round table discussion: what should we call...

Yesterday I was exchanging emails with Dawn, a new blog friend I met during NIAW a few weeks ago. In the course of our exchange, she raised this question:

Ummm...I feel like that is really small. Screenshots, you are failing me. Sorry if this causes you to squint and get new crows' feet.

Anyway. Dawn raised an interesting question: is it okay to refer to women (we'll limit this discussion to women for now) experiencing infertility as 'infertiles'? Is this a phrase that should only be used if you are infertile yourself? Is it okay, like Dawn asked, for a non-infertile person to call an infertile person 'an infertile'?? I thought this was a really good question.

My knee-jerk answer was don't worry about it. I totally did not notice that she'd used the term in her previous email, so I certainly wasn't offended. I mean, I use the word myself all the time, both to describe myself and also my group of infertile friends as a whole. But to be honest, I really have never given it a whole lot of thought one way or another. I gave it about two minutes of thought before I responded to Dawn. In that amount of time, although my overall feeling is still that it isn't a big deal and most people probably wouldn't be offended, I did start thinking about the issue in terms of people-first language. 

If you're not interested in reading the Wiki, I'll summarize: people-first language is basically what it sounds like. It means intentionally using language that emphasizes a person's personhood and de-emphasizes an (often negative, or negatively stereotyped) identifying characteristic about the person. For example, saying child with autism instead of autistic child...it's a little more positive and humanizing, you see? They're a child first. Additionally, they have autism. So anyway. People-first language is often emphasized in disability etiquette. (But also, there are a lot of criticisms about it. Surprisingly, not everyone agrees about everything!)

So looking through a 'people-first language' lens makes me think that referring to a group of women as 'infertiles' is probably...not great. We are women experiencing infertility, yes. But should we reduce our entire identities to our disease? Probably not. I'd like to think that there's more to me than my inability to have children. 

But even saying that...do I feel hurt or lesser-than if someone (or myself!) calls me 'an infertile'? No. I think it's kind of funny, really. Tongue in cheek. I mean, even though I use the phrase myself, I'm pretty sure I only use it to describe friends (with infertility!) that I know well. I wouldn't call a stranger in the RE office an infertile. It's a little...casual...or something...for that. And if I were addressing Congress about healthcare coverage for infertility, I would probably go with the lengthier-and-less-cute women experiencing infertility. But in casual conversation? I don't really have a problem with it.

(Maybe this is the same as calling band nerds 'band nerds'? I was one of those, too. We totally all called each other band nerds. And our close (but non-band-member) friends could also lovingly refer to us as band nerds. But if a random stranger were to mockingly call us band nerds...well, those were fighting words. Except for band nerds don't fight, but whatever. We would definitely go hide in the band room and make fun of you.)

After Dawn and I discussed it for a bit, I decided that this is really a topic for the masses. I can only speak for me. I don't really call if you call me 'an infertile.' But maybe other women experiencing infertility feel differently. I don't want to pretend to speak on behalf of everyone. So I told Dawn I'd open up the floor for discussion.

What's your opinion on this? We'd love to hear from you, particularly if you're a woman experiencing infertility. Or if you aren't experiencing infertility but you have friends that are- would you feel comfortable referring to them as an infertile? Or if you have some strong opinions (that you can express nicely!) about person-first language. Or a funny haiku. Anything goes! So. The round table is open...do share!

on not caring

Mother's Day is right around the corner. And for an unexpected and exciting twist this year...I don't really care.

It's true. I keep forgetting it's about to happen and then when I remember and expect the feelings of rage and sadness to overwhelm me like they have every other May for the last six years...they don't. I give it a minute and then just shrug it off and move on with my day. Mother's Day is Sunday. I don't even really care.

I feel like a traitor or something. Like a disgrace to the sisterhood of the infertile. I try to rally up some emotion. This is your sixth infertile Mother's Day!! Oh the injustice!! You lost a baby six months ago! This should be even MORE painful than usual!! And yet...nothing. I'm either remarkably well-adjusted and emotionally mature or I'm completely numb. I'm really not sure which it actually is, so we'll go with the former.

For four years I've skipped church on Mother's Day. My own personal boycott of the holiday, plus a chance to miss out on feeling like I'm the only non-mother in the world. I also feel like my absence makes it easier on everyone else. My church family is compassionate and amazing, but no doubt me not being there saves folks a lot of awkwardness. So that's just my 'thing'. No church on Mother's Day. But this year? I dunno, I think I'll go. Not because I particularly want to make people feel weird by being there, or because I'm dying for pity and attention, but because we've been out of town a lot the past month and I miss my church. And I just can't muster up enough Mother's Day bitterness to make me want to stay home. So maybe I'll just go.

It's just weird. I expected this year's Mother's Day to be the worst. By all accounts, it should be. Another year of infertility topped off with a failed adoption? It's been the most painful, excruciating, tear-filled year of awfulness...a few months ago I was like pre-dreading the dread of Mother's Day. Ha. I figured I'd have to leave the country or something for basically the whole month of mid-May to mid-June to cover both parental holidays. But now here we are, and here I am not caring. Maybe it's because the pain of Mother's Day is so tiny and symbolic compared to our other physical loss. I don't know. I keep trying to probe deep and get to the bottom of this weirdness, but then I figure that maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. It's not like I want to be in more pain and experience extra anger, ha. I should just be thankful for the gift of non-bitterness and move on.

All of that said, I'm no dummy. I will still probably require some lavish gifts from Ulta from Matt in order to make it through Sunday. I can probably drum up a few tears if that's what it takes to get the new Tarte eyeshadow palette. Actually, could that be why I'm doing so well? Could it be that my passion for becoming a mom has been soothed by my enthusiasm for makeup acquisition (which is infinitely easier and cheaper than REs and adoption agencies)? Interesting theory. I have spent a lot more money on makeup in the six months since The Awfulness, so maybe there's something to this. Maybe Ulta should start paying me to set up makeup tables in the waiting rooms of infertility clinics or something! Everybody would benefit.

Anyway, here we are. T-minus three days and I'm still not caring. I think I'll call it a win.
  

people of craigslist

Over the years, Matt and I have collected a number of small kitchen appliances that we never use. A few weeks ago, as Matt noticed the stack of unopened, still in their original packaging appliances taking up valuable real estate on the garage shelves, he suggested that we try selling them on Craigslist. I personally find selling things on Craigslist to be a huge pain, but since he was willing to head up the effort, I agreed. Less boxes and more cash is always a good thing, right?

In theory.

Unfortunately, selling things on Craigslist means you have to come into contact with people who are shopping on Craigslist. I'm sure that 98% of the folks shopping on Craigslist are completely normal, sane folks just looking for a deal. I mean, I shop on Craigslist. I'm not crazy. You shop on Craigslist. You're normal, too. But that 2%?? THEY ALL WANT MY APPLIANCES. (I promise that what we're selling is nothing weird. Totally normal, boring, unexciting things that you could easily purchase anywhere. Just...things we don't personally use or need to own.)

When I think of 'crazy Craigslist people,' my mind immediately jumps to serial killers or people looking to meet single girls in a dark alley to sell a lamp or something. And this particular Craigslist go-round hasn't disappointed in that regard.

Meet Reggie.

Reggie wants to buy my $15 appliance. Unlike the 5 annoying people before him, he doesn't even want to haggle over the price. But he really really wants us to meet up. He sent a series of emails throughout the weekend ('is it still available?' 'when can we meet up?' 'hello??') which I patiently tried to answer. With all of the appliances, I clearly stated in the ads that we live in ______ (small town outside of Athens) and work in downtown Athens. Therefore we could meet in either town (or somewhere in between) depending on the time of day. So this guy really really wants to buy the appliance in Athens. Great. Monday, buddy. Monday you can buy it. I'll be in Athens, where I work in a very busy public place and am comfortable walking outside or across the street and meeting a stranger.

At around 11:00 a.m., Reggie texts me. Can u meet me now? Sure, fine. I can walk outside. Where are ya, Reggie? He responds with a residential address. Ummmm....

I Google the address and find it to be a neighborhood in a less-than-savory part of town 10 minutes (drive) away. Sorry, Reggie-- I meant, I thought you were downtown and I could meet you IN PUBLIC in the middle of this workday. Shockingly, I'm not really interested in leaving work and driving to your HOUSE to meet you alone!! He wasn't happy to hear about this. He doesn't have a ride, you see, so I'll really need to make like a delivery girl and bring it on over. Thanks but no thanks. I can live without that $15.

After another long series of pleading texts up until 10pm last night, I finally agreed to meet him (Matt would be with me, obviously) at a gas station near Athens this morning on the way to work. We agreed on 7:45 a.m. Several times.

Guess who never showed up this morning??

YOU ARE DONE, MISTER. GOOD LUCK SURVIVING WITHOUT THAT APPLIANCE!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA.

So that fellow was a sorta stereotypically crazy Craigstlister. Robbi, however, was not.

Robbi was interested in this same appliance several weeks ago (so I guess you already know that this story does not end with a sale). After a few back and forth emails inquiring about the availability and feeling out some potential times, Robbi sends me this.

This was pretty funny to me because the reason no one (who doesn't live there) is familiar with our small town is because IT IS REALLY SMALL. There aren't any 'busy public places.' So I had a chuckle over this request (also, I just found it amusing that a man would be so concerned about meeting strangers from Craigslist, but NOT concerned enough to erase his EXTREMELY DETAILED email signature which informed me about EXACTLY where he worked, including street address and several phone numbers). But I'm all about meeting in a public place too, so really, this isn't an unreasonable request. I responded maturely, naming a relatively public (if tiny and gross) grocery store.

Did you see that?? Robbi was TOO SCARED TO MEET ME IN A PUBLIC PARKING LOT WITHOUT A CHAPERONE!!!! I really felt kind of honored. That's awesome. He could probably sense how much time I spend lifting weights at the gym or something.

So Reggie didn't work out because he was too sketchy. Robbi didn't work out because I was too sketchy.

Meet Ann.

Ann was interested in a different appliance. A much nicer, much more expensive appliance. An appliance I really didn't want to sell, despite the fact that I don't use it. We'd gotten lots of inquiries about this appliance, but everyone wanted to offer like HALF of what we were asking. Um, no. I'm not even entirely sure I want to sell it. I definitely don't want to sell it for a fraction of what it's worth.

Ann inquired about the availability. When I said it was still available, she said she'd bring cash and could meet me downtown, as I requested, that afternoon. She'd text when she got here.

She showed up at the time she said she would. She texted. We found each other. She gave me cash- the exact amount we'd asked for. She was friendly and nice and we even chatted for a few minutes. She was super excited and nearly giddy about buying the appliance. We parted ways.

Ann restored some of my hope in the human race. Normal Craigslist people do exist. They're just buried beneath all the crazy.

The moral of this story is that you should probably just keep letting your unused stuff collecting dust in the garage. Unless it's something Ann needs, in which case you should sell it to her. And also, you should think twice before meeting me in public. I'm super scary. 

flowers and books. again!

It was a great weekend, but somehow I managed to take exactly ZERO pictures of it. Oops. I guess nothing was particularly photo-worthy. Or I'm really lazy. Or something.

I spent most of the weekend daylight hours working in the yard. SHOCKING, yes? As a reward for my efforts, I have really bizarre tank top tan lines, insanely itchy eyes (and arms...my arms don't appreciate me touching azaleas or being in close proximity to poison ivy), and my yard looks super fabulous. Which will last approximately 14 seconds before the dandelions are 11 feet tall again and you can't tell I did a thing. Oh well. Garden-wise, things are moving along nicely. Our strawberries are ripe for the picking. The asparagus is doing well. The kale continues to be out of control (in a good way, if you like eating kale, which I do). The tomatoes (that didn't die in the late frost) are growing big and bushy and starting to flower and show the first little tomatoes! Herbs are growing. In all, things are moving right along and I look forward to harvesting lots of tomatoes and peppers in the next month or so!

Flower-wise, things are also looking good!! Nothing makes me happier than seeing the first blooms appear and seeing the dormant perennials spring back to life. I showed this little collage on Instagram last week, but it bears repeating. Right now most of the blooming flowers are purple and they make me really happy!!

Saturday night was Book Club! We have yet to come up with a better, cuter, and catchier name for ourselves, but that's okay. We still have awesome food and conversation, so I think that's more important. This is our third meeting (second book discussion) and it's quickly becoming one of my favorite things to look forward to each month!! We read and discussed This is Where I Leave You this month.

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We all found the book to be extremely hilarious and also extremely offensive. Luckily, we still had plenty to discuss. Much laughter was had by all. Despite its R-rated-ness, the book had some interesting themes, characters, and situations, so I can see why so many book clubs enjoy discussing it. But if your book club (or you) is opposed to being scandalized and reading things you can never un-see, so to speak...you should probably skip this one. At any rate, we had a great time hanging out, AND we picked a sure-fire home run for our next book!

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I read The Rosie Project a few weeks ago and loooooove love love loved it. I loved it. Do you get that? Love. It was one of the most fun and engaging books I've read in a long time, but not just complete fluff. There were also things deep enough to warrant discussing and dissecting. I've been dying to have friends read it so that we can chat and laugh about it together, so I was glad it didn't take much arm-twisting to get the girls to agree to read it for next month!! It's taking a lot of self-control for me to not just immediately re-read it now. I'm trying to wait a few weeks so it'll be fresher for our meeting. At any rate, it's only $1.99 on Kindle, so if you're looking for a delightful read, this is my recommendation for you. It's definitely 'light' enough to be a great beach read, there is pretty much nothing offensive about it, and you will seriously laugh out loud about fifty times and see the world a different way when you're done. 

I was lurking (the online equivalent of eavesdropping, I think?) in a conversation about quitting books the other day. Do you ever just stop reading a book? Or are you the type that totally commits and finishes even if you're hating it? I think I used to be more of the second type...but now I'm more firmly in the first category. There are too many books to be read to waste time on one I hate (or am bored with). I try to give them a solid chance...50 or 100 pages, maybe? But if you can't capture my attention in that amount of time, I just don't feel the need to stay committed. Sometimes, if I hear from enough people (or someone that knows me well and I trust their book judgment) I'll give it longer...last month Colleen specifically said that Red Rising really started getting good around page 125 so I should stick with at least til then. I appreciated that and she was right-- I probably would have quit if I didn't know I needed to hang in there til 125, but after that point I started loving it. (PS. When I just looked up Red Rising to get that link, I noticed that IT is only $1.99 on Kindle today also!! That is definitely a deal- it's usually in the $10 range. So just FYI, if you're in the mood for dystopia...hit that up!)

The book that first comes to mind when I think about quitting books is Anna Karenina. I have probably read 100 pages of that book three different times. I really want to read it. I want to care enough to keep going. And I just....don't. It's torture. And I'm not anti-Russian-books. I've made it through plenty of other hefty Russian novels that would make a high schooler weep. But I just can't get into AK. Matt read it earlier this year (it took him like 3 months) and I'm pretty sure he did it just to make me mad. Or something. But he finished. But I just can't bring myself to start it again. So long. So boring. So can't keep up with their names. 

Anyway, that said...just curious about how long other people give a book before quitting it (if you quit books at all). Also, do you judge books by their covers? I'll be the first to admit that I definitely do and it rarely leads me astray. So take that, stupid metaphor. You can learn a LOT about a book by its cover.

For instance, I bet that if I'd chosen this alternate cover image to show when I talked about The Rosie Project, you'd be much less interested in actually reading it:

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Or maybe not. Maybe you're more openminded than me. But I probably never would have read it if I'd only seen this cover. And I would have missed out. So...good call on the cover redesign, whoever made that call!
Hope your week is off to a great start!! And if it isn't...just read a book or something.