Saturday, March 20, 2010

to do: weekend ed.

Ugh. It's 7:49 on Saturday morning (my ONLY Saturday morning of the week, mind you...) and my "to do" list is a mile long. I knew it was coming-- it was like last Tuesday or something when Matt was pointing out "I feel like this weekend doesn't even count. It will be less relaxing than the WEEK." and THAT is a sad fate, my friends. If I don't have weekends to look forward to, what is there in life, really?

It's probably not that bad. And yes, I realize the irony that I'm griping about all the things I have to do and yet I sit here blogging and catching up on FB gossip. It's just who I am.

I'm hosting (hostessing?) a baby shower here tomorrow which is the reason I have 2891 things to do today...all of which involve cleaning, sweeping, vacuuming, and more cleaning. And as I clean, with the thought of people descending upon my homestead in like 30 hours, I naturally question every decorating/home design choice I've ever made. Sigh. Why am I so insecure? Why do I think people will judge me based on the fact that I've lived here 9 months and haven't decorated the guest bathroom or hallway yet? And we haven't finished putting down the transitional pieces between rooms yet? And some of our floors are messed up and we haven't the first clue what to do about it other than whine? And I hate the linoleum in the kitchen/dining room but we don't have the time or money to replace it with something better...will people really judge me for that? And why do I feel compelled to make excuses for all of the above ANY TIME someone comes over? Why can't I just leave well enough alone and keep in mind that probably no one but Matt and I notice these things in the first place?

So it's Saturday and Matt's at work and cleaning and dealing with my insecure self is all I have on the agenda. Oh, and grocery shopping. And guess what, it's going to be like 75 degrees today and I don't even know if I'll get to enjoy it....cause you KNOW I'm already all caught up on my yardwork. It definitely gets top priority all week long (when it's nice enough outside)!

We did make a point to enjoy our Friday night, though. We ate at the (one and only) Mexican restaurant in our little town and sat out on the patio to enjoy the nice weather. Then we went home and had a nice fire in our firepit in the backyard for the rest of the night, complete with s'mores. This is the 3rd weekend in a row we've spent a night sitting next to a fire...what is it about fire-sitting that is so compelling? Does anyone else enjoy this as much as we do? Want to come over and enjoy s'mores with us? (I'm much less insecure about my yard than my house, so this would be an ideal social situation, ha.)

I'm tired. I don't know if it's the time change or what, but I haven't slept well this whole week. Ugh.

Sorry if it seems like I'm just complaining. It's not really been that bad of a week and I'm sure this weekend will turn out to be better than I'm thinking. I'd like to chalk it up to hormones or something. I don't know how many of you read this article that I mentioned a few months ago, but I'd just like to say that this hope-despair cycle is emotionally/physically/spiritually/ENTIRELY exhausting. I'm at a place (again) where I feel so incredibly hopefully...and yet within that hope, I fully expect to be distraught again within the next few days. It's terrible. It SUCKS. I hate that my hope and my optimism are so darkened by the thought (and the reality, thus far) that it's not gonna happen. It HASN'T happened. You felt this hopeful last month, and it DIDN'T HAPPEN. Don't get your hopes up because then it makes the defeat harder. Expect nothing and you won't be surprised when that's what you get. I hate that this is how I feel. But I don't know how to feel any other way. It's easier during other parts of the "cycle"...easier to just feel hopeful. But at this point...when I know that within a day or two I will know the truth for's just more natural to feel negative. You know why? Because for the past 15 months, those negative thoughts were right. With that kind of track record, it's hard to believe that they won't be right again this time.

And with that bit of depressing realism for your Saturday morning, I leave you, my friends. Those floors aren't gonna mop themselves...and despite my greatest efforts to fashion little doggie shoes out of Swiffers and attach them to Lola's four feet....well, that hasn't really worked out, either, so I guess the Swiffering is up to me, too.

Enjoy your weekend.


  1. Don't stress about the's totally cute..and hey, you HAVE a house. That is enough to impress people. Unless you have a house but are a hoarder or have 12 cats. or both. Which ya'll do not, so I think you are in the clear.

    and you know I pray for all the time. and I won't stop. Until I see some Kingdom breaking through on your horizon.

  2. 1. Your house is so cute. No stress.
    2. I am praying for you too.
    3. Make yourself a thankful list. It sounds pithy, but it really helps me when i just want to complain about all the things that i don't have.
    4. Remember that God is cultivating something wonderful in you (i mean He has to have His reasons right?)
    5. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
    6. WV: polos maybe you should wear more polo shirts?

  3. I've been through the ups and downs of infertility...the emotional rollercoaster is so difficult. In the end it all worked out for us (with help) and looking back I would not change a thing. You'll feel raw, angry and sad, but that is normal. Hang in there!

    Also, I'm sure your home is perfect...don't worry about it!


  4. Erika,
    Don't stress about the house.. Never been there, but it looks GREAT in the pictures you've posted! :) Besides, you are LIVING like NO ONE ELSE! So later you can LIVE like NO ONE ELSE! :) (That was directed to the floors. LOL)

    I pray for you often. I wish I lived closer and we could meet up and you could vent away. I've been there my friend... No idea why some of us are called to battle with infertility, but I DO know that He knew about this long before we did, and that He does love us through the pain, never leaving us. I can say, that it makes victory THAT MUCH SWEETER on the other side... and I'm praying that you get to the other side soon.

    And can I say that I'm not surprised these feelings are bubbling up as you get ready for a BABY shower? I remember a time in my life, that I couldn't attend baby showers or hold new babies and I REALLY felt bad for it, but ya know... my friends understood and loved me through my painful moments. It wasn't that I was being hateful.. I was in self preservation mode and it was called survival back then.((((HUGS))))


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