big.

It seems like my Little Bit all but grew up this weekend.

She's basically a big girl now. Waaaaah.

I mean, I've seen it coming, lately. I leave her sitting on the floor in the living room and two minutes later find that she's pulled up on the couch.

Well, that's because I'm a big girl.

 And when we play in her room, she chooses complicated toys like puzzles and can manipulate the little pegs well enough to pull all of the pieces off (so that she can bang them together and chew on them, obviously).

Like I said- I'm a BIG GIRL, Mommy!!

 And my personal favorite aspect of Big Girl-ness...she can destroy her room in about the amount of time it takes me to put on my mascara. Yay.

But I really needed to see EVERYTHING IN THE TOY BIN AT ONCE!!

 In addition to doing smart Big Girl things, she's also like...big. As in, has arguably been too big for her Rock 'n Play for probably about 5 months, but since nobody gave her the memo, she had no plans to quit rockin' and playin'.

Try and separate me from my RnP. Just try. I dare you.

And ya know...my mama didn't raise no fool. Millie sleeps 11 glorious, silent hours in that puppy. Right next to my bed. It's the greatest thing on earth. Where's the motivation to mix it up?

I'll tell you where. NOWHERE. I'm not one to mess with a good thing.

Butttttt a few weeks ago we finally gave up on the swaddle. Yes, she was nine months old. More importantly, she was 21 pounds and 29.75 inches, and evidently our swaddles weren't built to handle that much baby. She basically busted out the bottom of them all and that was that. We transitioned her (pretty seamlessly, I must say- she didn't seem to care much at all) to a glorious aden + anais sleep sack (that is so soft I wish I had one for myself), and it's been good- but now that she has her arms free, all of a sudden her RnP situation started seeming a little precarious. As in, she could clearly reach up and climb out if she got a notion to do so. And sometimes it seemed like she might be getting that notion. Soooo...

.......

.......

on Friday night, we put her in her crib in her very own room to sleep for the night. Waaaaaaaaaah. 

She's been sleeping in her crib (both at home and at school) for naps for months now, so she's not unaccustomed to the idea...but apparently sleeping there in the dark, at night, for a lot of hours must be different than for a 45-minute nap. Because uhhh...yeah. Not so much on the sleeping. More like...welcome to Millie's Acrobatics Hour! Watch as she flips, twirls, climbs, and leaps!

It was super special. She would sleep for about an hour at a time, then take a break for gymnastics. Then lose her paci and need parental assistance. Then sleep, then roll over and be too foggy to remember how to roll back, then need parental assistance. Then sleep, then roll over, then sit up, then be confused about what is happening, then need parental assistance. Then lose her paci. Then do a back flip. It was all very entertaining, so it's a good thing we started this process on a weekend. Last night was a little more peaceful (the acrobatics didn't really start up til closer til morning), so I'm hoping that third time's a charm and that tonight she'll be back to normal Millie sleeping habits. 

But if not, that's cool. I kinda missed out on all the 'being up all night with a newborn' stuff (I know, wah wah, poor me. Trust me, I'm not complaining.), so if I get to make up for some of it now, I'm down with that. 

So anyway. Big girl is now officially in her crib, and I've washed the RnP and am ready to hand it off to a friend expecting twins. And I may or may not have shed a tear when I folded it up for the last time. You served us well, RnP. May you have the same magical effect on newborn twins.

So in other giant news...well, may as well change All the Things at once, right? So on Friday night while Millie was preparing for Cirque du Soleil, Matt and I (okay, mostly Matt) were preparing to blow her mind by assembling and installing her Big Girl Car Seat!!

Uhhh...my mind is not really blown. Try harder next time.

I am thankful for friends that point out things like hey, she needs to move to a new seat when she's 30 pounds OR 30 INCHES. That was good to know, since I only knew about (or remembered, I guess) the 30 pounds part...and she was 29.75 inches two weeks ago. Oops!! So we lickety-split researched and ordered her Big Girl Seat and Friday night got it all ready to go!

We went with the Diono Ranier because it seems like basically the most badass car seat on earth. Its frame is SOLID STEEL. Which means it is not exactly lightweight, but I don't really care. I need a car seat to keep her from being crushed to death, not to be comfortable for me to carry around. Also, she can rear face until she is FIFTY POUNDS. Yes. Fifty. FIVE ZERO. And we plan to be the freaks that make her stay rear facing until she reaches that limit, so...ya know, until middle school. And then it can be forward facing/booster until she is 120 pounds. College! So in conclusion, I'm trying to think of some really cool things I can let her do when she's a kid/teenager that will make up for what a horrible lame mom I am going to be about car safety. Like I will totally let her get whatever piercings she wants. She can have the coolest piercings ever. Or like...purple hair. Or no hair. Or whatever. I feel like I'm going to have to really give a lot to make up for how lame I plan to be about the car seat, but ya know...whatever. The whole purpose of mothers is to be really embarrassing to their kids, right? I'm just planning ahead about how I want to do it. Picking my battles early.

At any rate, her first few days in the new seat have been nice and uneventful. I don't think she's nearly as excited about it as she should be, but what can ya do? Maybe she can somehow sense that this is the beginning of a twelve-year relationship (how long it is til it expires), so she's starting things off cautiously. I guess that's okay.

I guess those are all of the huge milestones she hit this weekend. In addition to just...ya know, being big...she got to spend some time with her cousins!! On Saturday afternoon the girls went for a swim in Millie's new pool and it was pretty much the cutest thing ever.

First, you need to see an old picture of them from August. This will help you appreciate their current pictures.

Awww...look at little fetus-Millie!!!! So itty!!

Eliana is 2.5 months older than Millie.

Today, the tables have turned. Millie is the reigning heavyweight champion of this duo...

POOOOL PARRRRTAAAYYYYY!!!

If I get hungry, I could eat Eliana for a snack!!

Actually, she couldn't. Eliana is one quick mover, and an extremely proficient splasher. They had fun playing side-by-side (and back-to-back) in the pool, splashing and trying to stand up and grabbing handfuls of grass, sticks, and dirt into the pool. They definitely agreed that a dirty pool was a more fun pool!

After the girls wore themselves out swimming, we left the wet babies with our husbands and the three sisters-in-law went to watch Pitch Perfect 2!! I go to the movies basically never...maybe once a year, if that...but I was really dying to see PP2, particularly with people who would deeply appreciate it (as in...not my husband). I'm so glad Jess and Amy wanted to go with me- it was as amazing as I had hoped it would be. Totally lived up to the first movie. And I would like to see it again, so if you need a buddy...lemme know.

And that was pretty much our weekend!! Little Bit grew up way too much, slept way too little, and oh- she ate BBQ (pulled pork) for the first time. And as you may have guessed by her physique, she's kinda go big or go home about food she likes...and this definitely counted as go big. I bet she ate at least an average adult male-sized portion. It was touching, really. She just loved it so much- and she was so tired- and she would rub her eyes and look so sleepy and then SHOVE MORE IN HER MOUTH and then look so tired but then SEE THE BBQ AND SMILE SO MUCH AND SHOVE IT IN HER FACE...it just blessed my little southern-food-loving heart. So anyway. At least one new thing this weekend impressed her! 

things I do because my mother wouldn't let me

I'm a rule follower. I always have been. I like rules, parameters, systems, and when people do what they're supposed to do. I don't always like or agree with a given rule...but even still, I abide by them. It would drive you crazy to ride in the car with me. I never go over the speed limit. Rule follower. 

Growing up, guess what? I was a rule follower! Obviously I disagreed with most of the rules my parents set up, but I very rarely sought to break them. I mastered the art of complying with my actions while SILENTLY REBELLING WITH MY BRAIN AND MY EYE ROLLS. I'm sure I was a delight to parent.

Now that I'm all grown, I understand and appreciate most of the rules my parents had. They were and are very reasonable people. They weren't on a power trip or arbitrarily strict. I still live by most of the rules that governed my life growing up: I don't run out in traffic, I don't climb into windowless vans with strange men offering candy, I wash my face before I go to bed, I don't smoke. 

But there are a few things I don't do. A few rules that got kicked to the curb once I left the nest. And I'm gonna be honest: I think that half of the joy I get from doing these things is just the knowledge that my mother wouldn't let me do it. But now I'm my OWN boss and I say yes. It's awesome. Sometimes being a grownup is the most kickass thing ever. So maybe deep in my heart there is a little seed of rebellion. Who knows.

The list is short, but here we go.

Things I Do Because My Mother Wouldn't Let Me:

1. Eat noodles with ranch dressing.

I know. I'm almost ashamed. But then again, I'm not, because it is SO FREAKING DELICIOUS. And my mother WOULDN'T LET ME. Was it because it's so grossly unhealthy? Because she spent so long heating up that Prego and she didn't want it to go to waste? Because the combination just disgusted her personally and therefore she didn't want to have to look at it on my plate? I may never know, but the fact is, every time I tried to eschew my marinara in favor of some Hidden Valley, I got shot down.

But now I'm my own boss. And while I am far too calorie-conscious to actually down a whole plate of noodles and ranch, I will admit that anytime I have a few leftover noodles, they're bound to rendezvous with a little ranch and be eaten up while I'm doing the dishes. And it is fabulous.

2. Walk around outside in my sock feet.

Exhibit A: last night

 Moms get in a frenzies about the lamest things. Walking around outside in socks has to be right up there at the top of the list. Yeah yeah yeah, I get that the Georgia red clay will NEVER EVER come out and they'll be permanently orange. The concrete will prick them up. They'll probably get a hole from a stick or something. And yet...sometimes a person just needs to walk around outside in their socks, okay?? Moms need to calm down. Now that I'm my own boss and I'm in charge of my own laundry and my own sock purchasing, I let myself walk around outside in my socks whenever the mood strikes (which is often). It's delightful. However, I don't judge my mom too harshly for this rule. I can see how it would be annoying to have to constantly replace the socks for three kids. I'd probably make a similar rule. But I definitely wouldn't abide by it myself. That's what being a grownup is all about!

3. Pop my gum.

I'm probably the most gifted gum popper you have ever encountered. Seriously. It's one of those things that 90% of you would never know about me since you don't know me in real life. The 10% that do know me are all nodding and wishing I would still abide by my mother's gum popping rules, which were plentiful. I'm pretty sure I learned the art of loud and obnoxious gum popping when I was still in diapers. I bet they thought it was cute at first. Ha! Joke's on you now. Anyway, my parents were always nagging me big time to stoooopppp popping your gummmmm!!!!!! whenever we were in the car, watching TV, or basically doing anything. I was allowed to pop my gum if I was alone in a soundproof room, which was not very often. Since I can't chew gum without popping it, this meant that I was doomed to spend most of my time gumless. I mean...what's even the point of life if you can't be chewing gum? Ugh. Anyway.

Either Matt is deaf or he's the kindest person on earth. I don't think he's ever complained about my gum popping. I pop it as loud as I want, whenever and wherever I want, AND IT IS AWESOME. I have my own office at work and that's my favorite part about that, too. No one complains or cramps my style. Freedom to pop. Bliss. 

Umm...I think this is the end of my list. Is that sad? 18 years of 'oppression' (so said the teenager) and now I glory in breaking three little rules? It is sad. Oh well. I'll just eat some noodles and ranch to cheer myself up while I dream up nonsensical rules to burden my own future children with! No cookies while you're wearing flip flops during Daylight Savings Time! I am definitely going to dominate parenthood.

thanks for a decade of wasting time!

You may have heard that Facebook celebrated its 10th birthday this week. Can you believe it's only been 10 years? I remember it like it was yesterday...but at the same time, it seems like it's been around my whole life (and not just a third of it). Let's also reflect on the fact that in the past 10 years my net worth has increased by about $4 (with a couple of Naked palletes that I could probably liquidate to bring my net worth up to about $75), whereas Mark Zuckerberg's has gone up by like $40 billion. And we're roughly the same age. That's such an encouraging fact...

Anyway, like everyone else on earth (or FB), I made one of those little 10 year videos yesterday. And I can't figure out a way to share that here, so...great story, Erika. But I think they're fun, and the music (which is the same on every single person's) makes me feel all teary even when the pictures/factoids aren't particularly sad. I will share, though, that according to both that little video AND my own personal research, this is the first profile picture I put on Facebook:

It's blurry because it was uploaded in 2006 and pictures maxed out at like 1kb back then. I probably got this thing off a floppy disk.

Also-- help me out. According to my 10 Year video, I joined FB in 2004. But this is my first profile picture, which was uploaded December 15, 2006...were there not profile pictures the first few years? Anyone remember? Or did those just get lost somewhere over the years? I really can't remember there ever not being profile pictures, but...I could be wrong.

This morning I saw a quick little video that told you how to find your Facebook 'number'-- as in, what number person you were to join. Mark was first...the rest of us fall in line somewhere behind him. 

Now, since I was in college when FB started-- and FB was originally only open to certain colleges, mine among them-- I've always considered myself to be in the first group of people who got on board. Like, basically I discovered FB. I was on it before it was cool. (And I'm still on it, even though it's arguably less cool than ever...) But once I saw my 'number,' I felt like my whole life has been a lie. I think that in order to consider yourself one of the 'first,' you'd have to be at least in the first million users or so. And sadly...I'm not. If this thing can be believed, I was lucky number 4,904,526 to join The Facebooks. Womp womp.

However, I feel a little better when I look at my blog's Facebook page (which I just created in November). Created almost a decade after my personal profile, I come in strong at number 1,403,012,343,270,805...which does not even look like a real number to me. Like...isn't that waaaaay more than the whole world's population or something? Then again, I guess lots of people/companies/webpages have multiple pages, so it could make sense.

Anyway. I think you should look up your own personal FB number. Anyone else in the neighborhood of 4.9 million? That means we probably joined like...the same week. Or day, who knows. Wouldn't that be weird? If you joined earlier than me, feel free to keep that info to yourself. I like to be the best, which is obviously measured by how early you joined Facebook.

reality check

Remember a long time ago how I said I was going to go to one of those cool running stores and have a legit shoe assessment/consultation and then buy REAL running shoes based on science and fit and not price and cuteness? I know. It was a long time ago-- September. Ancient history. Well, I like to accomplish things at a snail's pace, what can I say? (Actually, I can say that a lot has happened since mid-September and buying fancy running shoes somehow fell really low on- and then off- the list of things to do.) 

Gosh. Thinking about how ridiculous life has been since mid-September is actually really mind-blowing and awful. I just glanced back over the titles of my posts...from then til now...AND LET'S MOVE ON BEFORE I START BAWLING.

So!! On Saturday Matt and I were having a little 'continue the birthday fun and let Erika pick whatever she wants to do all day long' day (my favorite kind of day) and so I decided we would go to the running store and both have our feet/strides/styles assessed and get ourselves some new kicks.

WAIT! Back up. Relevant rabbit trail about what suddenly made new running shoes so important first:

Leggings, yall. Leggings. Leggings are so fun! So cute! So comfy! So easy!! I fully believe in and subscribe to all of those thoughts about leggings. But here's the truth about leggings-- I'm gonna be blunt. Leggings lie to you. Leggings tell you "go on, eat your fourth dessert of the night! I'll still feel great!" Leggings tell you that it's okay to eat your feelings for two months, to watch 18 episodes of Parks & Rec every night while you mindlessly munch on popcorn. Leggings don't bat an eye if you skip your morning workout...for three months. The leggings are still gonna fit. They'll welcome you every day, never breathing a comment about your slowly-but-steadily-expanding derriere. Leggings are an enabler. They're the friend you call when you just want to feel better about yourself. They're the worthless accountability partner who will never, ever call you on your crap. Leggings are awesome.

UNTIL YOU TRY TO PUT ON YOUR JEANS.

Jeans? Jeans keep you real. Jeans don't lie. Jeans say "hold up, sistah-- ain't NO WAY you can button me today! You tryin' to dump 5 gallons of ice cream in a 1 gallon bucket??! AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!" Jeans will remind you constantly, all day long, that no, maybe you should NOT have had two lunches plus extra dinner every day last week. Jeans will leave marks all over your body so that when you're disrobing, they're still silently mocking. Jeans make you feel bad about your awesome accomplishment of watching 9 episodes of Scandal in one afternoon. Jeans are that really blunt grandmother who calls it exactly like she sees it. Bless her heart...and my vaster-than-ever posterior. 

SO. Let's just say that post-failed-adoption-mourning and a steady wardrobe of leggings hasn't done my body any favors. My jeans called me out on it and I'm heeding their advice: step it up. Step up the exercise. Step away from the holiday-treat-filled-break-room at work. 

Which brings us back to the running shoes. It was time. Now that I'm 400 years old and I have a broken (but healing) back, shoes are more important than ever (???? I don't know, they seem correlated in my mind). So to the Athens Running Company store we went. We did the assessment and fitting thing and it was super fun. And then I tried on 80 pair of shoes and jogged around the store and totally looked like an idiot. But I probably wasn't the first one they'd seen, so I tried to get over it. And THEN-- miracle of miracles-- I picked new shoes and did NOT take the colors and overall cuteness into account.

I think I surprised us all. 

So I'm now the owner of these:

Yes, I wear a size 10. Large and in charge- that's me!

  They look kinda funny and the lacing part goes all curvy and I don't know why, but dangit-- I picked the ones that are scientifically proven to make me a way better runner and lose 10 pounds immediately!!!

Or that's what I thought, anyway. I mean-- when you pay three times as much as you've ever paid for tennis shoes before...your expectations go sky high. I had such visions for my first run!! It was going to be so easy!! So pain free!! I'd barely even know I was exerting any energy...after a period of time I'd glance down at my GPS and realize with shock that I'd gone 10 miles-- and barely feel winded!!! This was how it was supposed to go down.

Guess what?

Running still sucks, even with nice shoes. Bah. Life-- why so harsh?? 

I mean, I'm sure they are better. I will admit that at least my feet and shins weren't hurting as much as usual. But I could definitely tell I was running. I definitely still hated it. It was still freezing. I couldn't breathe. I felt every single inch of those 2.75 miles. I'm already making a list of excuses for why I don't want to go running again this afternoon. Also, since I'm wearing leggings today, I forget why it is I wanted to start running in the first place...

It was a harsh-lesson-learning weekend, I guess. Sorry to hit you with it on a Monday, but I felt like you deserved to know. Nice running shoes are...nice, I guess...but not as nice as leggings. THE END.

an old lady weekend

It was not an eventful weekend. Thanks to the ol' Broken Back of '13 and some high-quality drugs, I was pretty much passed out on the couch all weekend. And I'm gonna be honest with you: I didn't hate it. I hated it when my back would start freaking out again for no good reason...but I didn't hate watching 289 episodes of New Girl and being waited on hand and foot by my hottie servant husband. 

I also rekindled an old addiction. Back in like...'93 or something...BEFORE the internet was invented and I spent my time making up fake identities in chat rooms...all there was to do on the computer was play games. And there weren't that many games, especially in my house. But one game I remember having on the computer was Mahjong. And I don't remember anything about it except that I would play for hours on end.

But then the internet got invented, and then there were chat rooms and email, Facebook and Twitter...and my love for Mahjong got kicked to the curb somewhere along the way. RIP, weird Chinese game.

UNTIL THIS WEEKEND.

Matt and I bought ourselves a new laptop on Cyber Monday and got our little paws on it Saturday morning.

This is the first time in my life I've had to open up/break in/figure out a new computer like a grown up. Normally my dad does it for me. So this seemed intimidating. Luckily, it was a piece of cake. Slash I'm a technological genius (pay no mind to the fact that I needed help downloading something from iTunes last week).

So this new laptop has a touch screen!! It's very exciting. And you can put apps on it! Also exciting. As I was browsing the app store, I noticed that there was a Mahjong app. Happy childhood memories (of hours alone in front of a computer??) flooded me as I excitedly downloaded the app. Ahhhh...Mahjong. This is going to be AWESOME.

AND IT WAS.

After playing one 'beginner' level game to refresh my memory about what the game even was, I quickly advanced to EXPERT games...and dominated them. It was so awesome. I probably played Mahjong for like 20 hours between Saturday and Sunday. But it's okay because IT MAKES YOU SMARTER and it's what old Chinese ladies play. Or at least it's what they're always playing in movies and books, so obviously it must be true. 

So to conclude, now I'm not just an old lady with a bad back, I'm a smart old Chinese lady with a bad back. I feel like that's an improvement.

I'm back to work today. It's ambitious, but I felt like I should give it a try. I came prepared, though-- this is a bird's-eye view of the inside of my tote bag. 

I'm packing two pillows, my trusty heating pad, and a candle. Ambiance is very important when you have a herniated disc. Or something.

I'm also working on a very important decision I have to make this week. I got my long-awaited 'IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!' email from Starbucks that entitles me to ANYTHING I WANT FOR FREE from their store. WOOO! I've been waiting my whole life for this! Anything! Any size! Any amount of add-ins! The possibilities are endless and I really don't want to screw this up. I feel confident that with all the brain exercising I've done this weekend I'm bound to make a good choice. I just don't know what it'll be yet. So I should probably go play some more Mahjong.

30 going on 97 & ridiculous junk

I'm turning 31 next week. It's not that big of a deal. It's only 31!, I tell myself. You have your whole life ahead of you still. And it's true. Thirty-one isn't that old. My brain understands.

My body didn't get the memo.

Last night as I was innocently vacuuming the living room, getting ready to watch the Sound of Music Live, it happened.

Old age.

As in, lightning bolts struck my lower back. One minute I'm standing there vacuuming. Next minute I've collapsed to the ground in pain, the vacuum is running but toppled over, I'm screaming, and Matt's standing over my crumpled, crying body, trying to figure out what just happened. 

I was in so much pain that I couldn't move. Or breathe. Or talk. I could only lay there on the floor and wonder how bodies can betray you like that. I was barely DOING anything! What'd I do to deserve Back Lightning??!

A quick consultation with Dr. Google and WebMD revealed that I probably had a herniated disc and/or was dying of something extremely late-term and tragic. Or maybe both. Since it was almost eight o'clock and SoM was about to start-- and I do have priorities--we decided to just park me on the couch with some Tylenol and ice the back. It was miserable. Even the Von Trapps couldn't make me feel much better, although reading hilarious Twitter commentary on the show helped. (Side note regarding SoM Live: in all, I enjoyed it but wasn't overwhelmed. My friend Colleen wrote up a fantastic and hilarious recap of the show which I 100% agree with, so go read her commentary and that's what I think, too.) 

Sleep last night was non-existent.  Laying down hurts. Standing hurts. Sitting hurts. EVERYTHING HURT NO MATTER WHAT I DID. It was miserable. So I laid in bed all night counting the minutes until the doctor's office would open in the morning. We were the first ones there, which felt like a big win. I wasn't in the mood for catching nine more diseases in the waiting room, so I was glad to be the first person in and out.

At any rate, the doctor agreed with WebMD- probably a herniated disc. He gave me three prescriptions and wished me luck as I wait out the pain. After picking up my new meds, I parked myself on the couch and so here we are, all up to date. My back, hips, and butt all hurt like CRAP still. But the meds totally knocked me out so at least I got three hours of sleep. I'm hoping the pain gets better soon and I'm also irritated that there's really nothing they can do to fix the problem except wait it out. I was ready for back surgery right there in the Prompt Care clinic, people. And I didn't get it. Boo.

So there's the riveting latest episode in the ongoing saga of how my body sucks. Getting old is SO FUN, kids!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

On the plus side,  we got a new issue of the ABC Distributing catalog the other day. Are yall familiar with this gem? You're about to be.

When we first bought our house and moved in, four and a half years ago, we found ourselves occasionally receiving the old residents' mail. One of the first things we ever got was this random ABC Distributing catalog, intended for a previous homeowner. Now obviously the 'real' mail we would return to the post office. But junk mail, flyers, and mass-mailed catalogs we tended to just throw in the recycling. But we made the mistake of actually looking at this catalog before we tossed it. And my oh my. What a treat.

ABC Distributing has what appears to be the world's largest collection of incredibly weird and ridiculous junk. It's kind of like Sky Mall, only waaaay cheaper and kitchsier, if that's imaginable. If Sky Mall is a  2013 Rolls Royce, this is a '86 Honda Civic. If Sky Mall is Nordstrom, this is Big Lots. Or like, a Big Lots factory outlet. If that exists. In other words, ABC Distributing is awesomely amazing and 100% entertaining. We kept that catalog on our coffee table for quite some time and EVERYONE that ever looked at it basically died of happiness. There was so much weird stuff in it!! So many bizarre and unnecessary items!! Classic.

We've had it ever since. We still like to pull it out and laugh at it. But a few weeks ago Matt had a great idea. A genius idea, really. He went onto the webpage and requested a new catalog! A new, up-to-date, current tome of awesomeness! We've been anxiously awaiting its arrival, and earlier this week it finally came. The Christmas 2013 edition! Just as weird as ever. Unbelievable. FREE ENTERTAINMENT, people.

Last night (prior to Lightning Back) I graced my new blog Facebook page with a picture of one of the many, many bizarre findings from the catalog. It's safe to say that the general public found the item to be as weird and hilarious as we did, so I'm glad I could spread some joy via singing Santa toilet lid covers. But earlier today, in my drugged stupor, I had my most brilliant idea yet: Twelve Days of Christmas. Like, a 12-day gift guide.

Yes.

I mean, I know that's not a new idea. Tons of bloggers have something like this. But they are mostly focusing on good ideas. Things you might actually want to buy for people. And let's face it-- most of the stuff is super expensive. But I haven't yet found anyone doing a Twelve Days of Hilariously Useless Cheap Crap. So I guess I'll step in and fill that void. Coming to a Facebook near you: the best holiday gift guide EVER. You're welcome, world.

So that's my new mission. I'm stuck on the couch, but at least I have some 'work' to do. I have to pick eleven more amazing, hilarious, completely ridiculous items to recommend to you for Christmas! It's a tough job, but I think I'm up to the task.

With that, I bid you adieu. And so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye! (To you! And you! And you and you and youuuuu!) (PS. Rolf's shorts. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA)  

sisters, celebs, and going platinum

I got my hair did this weekend (by my sister!! because she's the best ever!!).

And yes, that means I get my hair cut in my parents' den. But what can ya do? Her salon is near Savannah. I live near Athens. That's a five hour drive, for those of you unfamiliar with Georgia geography (shame). So we take advantage of a weekend when we're both visiting home.

Sarah is the only person who understands what I mean when I say make me look like Zooey Deschanel. She can translate that onto my head. I don't know why I ever bother trying to find other acceptable hair stylists. They never measure up. She's been cutting my hair since she was in MIDDLE SCHOOL (trust me, she had no formal schooling at that point)...no one else will ever be as good as she is.

I asked for Zooey:

Source: google.com via Erika on Pinterest

Sarah makes me Zooey:

With much less-awesome brown eyes. Which Sarah and I are sure to rag our mother about (my dad has blue eyes, so this is all Mom's fault, clearly).

Anyway. I love my new 'do. (And it looks awesome straight, too.) (And my head is SO MUCH LIGHTER!! I have really thick hair and she cut about half of it off. But it's still long!) But guess what we discovered?

May I introduce you to my first official gray hair? Thirty years old, and wiser every minute. This guy's been hanging out in my bangs...I've been catching glimpses of him for the last couple weeks. He's a nice normal texture, though (not the crazy wonky gray hair that happens sometimes), so I'm leaving him be. I'll think of him as FREE HIGHLIGHTS, so what's not to love about that? Sarah says he isn't really gray, he's pure white. Which is probably the most awesome thing ever, so you can just feast your jealous eyes on that beauty and think about how sweet it's going to be when I'm pure platinum. A platinum Zooey. The world isn't even ready.

the 12/12/12

Well, my long-awaited birthday has finally arrived! Thirty years old on 12/12/12. Magical, I tell ya.

Here I am on my first 12/12. The one that occurred in 1982. And look-- I was 12 hours old! Even cooler. I bet my dad planned it like that. I bet he'd already calculated that I'd be turning 30 on 12/12/12, too. He's nerdy like that.

I guess I was pretty adorable. And was already working on my Dr. Evil pinky finger move. I've always been ambitious like that.

Anyway. Since you asked-- yes, I do have riveting plans for the big day.  A half day of work, then a trip to Atlanta for Matt's pre-op appointment. An appointment at which I have promised Matt I am going to embarrass the both of us by asking/reminding the doctor several times to please not accidentally cut Matt's man-parts off during surgery. I mean, if you can't say stupid stuff like that on your 30th birthday on 12/12/12, when can you? Exactly.

So...hope you have an enjoyable day, and even if you're not turning 30 today, I hope you do something fun at 12:12 pm, because...I mean, that's just awesome no matter what.

progress monitoring

Alrighty, kids. We're down to only 10 days left in my 20s (aka 10 days before I turn 30, aka 10 days til 12/12/12)...prolly about time to check in on my ultra-ambitious 30 (days) Before 30 bucket list! I tried to abide by Bren's "pics or it didn't happen" rule, but trust me...some of these things are extremely un-photo-worthy, and I'm not into torturing you, so...you'll just have to trust me that they happened (if I say they did). 

I will put the item in bold if I've completed it, okay? It'll be purple if it's in progress. Exciting details/stories are italicized. Annnnnd...go!


1. Play video poker at the local gas station. [This is all Matt. He is begging me to list this. Evidently he really wants to do this, so that's why he's forcing me to put it on my list. Don't worry, I'll make him fund it!]

2. Eat a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce on it. I had several Thanksgiving-leftovers sandwiches with this delicious combo, and just today had a turkey-cranberry sandwich at Panera...YUMMY!

3. Cook/bake a new recipe. We made several new recipes around Thanksgiving and one this afternoon- Crunchy Cranberry Waldorf Salad. 

4. Obtain clean fan blades in the master bedroom and living room. [Note that I said "obtain." This means I don't necessarily have to be the one doing this dreadful, most terrible chore. I can beg/bribe someone else and it totally counts!] Yep. Matt did this one for me!

5. Eat at (from?) a food truck. Knocked this one out yesterday at Elizabeth's wedding reception! Ate from three food trucks and one popsicle cart!

6. Shoot Matt's bow and arrow in the backyard.

7. De-lurk myself on at least 3 blogs. I'm not sure, really. I've been making a point to leave comments on blogs that I don't normally comment on, but I haven't really kept track, so...don't know.

8. Choose and decorate an amazing Christmas tree. Yup! Still no pictures of the final product, but you already know I was a little controlling about the process...

9. Roast marshmallows in the backyard.

10. Not sign this petition, so thoughtfully brought to my attention by one of my most ...umm... special... Facebook "friends." It's going to be really tough, since the thought of Georgia withdrawing from the United States to create its own new government is SUCH AN AWESOME IDEA, but I'm sure I can manage... Man, this has been soooo hard to resist...

11. Brinner. A couple times. At least.

12. Get a haircut. You know I did!!

13. Take my vitamins every day. Ummm...I totally fail at this. I did great for like a week. One day I even took them twice. And then...yeah. This one's not gonna be able to get checked off.

14. Actually take the bag of "give to Goodwill" clothes to Goodwill.

15. Get to 150 followers. Come on, yall...surely 12 of you lurkers can tolerate me enough to jump on board, right? Almost there!! Five more people wanna join in on the party?

16. Finish watching seasons 1 & 2 of Modern Family. Haven't even rented the DVDs yet. But I have caught up with this season, does that count?

17. Make a vlog. [Suggested by Amanda. Now I will need further suggestions as to what this vlog should be about. Go!]

18. Rate 150 books on Goodreads. [I've currently rated 125.] I'm up to 139...almost there!

19. Take pictures with my mom and dad.

20. Take a ridiculously long bubble bath. I know, no pictures?? What kind of self-proclaimed over-sharer AM I?

21. Walk on the highest incline on the treadmill at a 3.5 pace for 5 minutes.
For the record, I felt like I was sliding off a mountain the whole time. 

22. Memorize Psalm 30:1-5.

23. Make a secret Pinterest board. [I'm totally intrigued by this new capability, although I have no idea what to make a secret board about. Suggestions are welcome! ] TOP SECRET!!!!! Haircut ideas to show the guy cutting my hair!!! For my eyes only!! (And his, I guess)

However it turned out to be an epic fail because the "secret" board wouldn't show up on the app on my phone!! Even though I was logged in as myself! So...thanks for nothing, Pinterest.

24. Diagram a sentence. [Random, yes. But I feel like it's a lost art. At least it's lost to me. And I'm concerned I've maybe forgotten how. So I should re-learn before I'm too old, right?]

25. Have 9 consecutive no-work days. [Hahaha, thank you Thanksgiving Break!! Done and DONE!] Obviously.

26. Make a new Christmas craft. My woodburned ornaments! And I bought my very own woodburning kit today, so prepare yourself for an abundance of woodburned beauty in your future!

27. Play piano for 30 minutes.

28. Make out with a tall, dark, and handsome bearded man. [My husband-whaaaat??!] [PS. Guess who suggested this one?] Shockingly, it was Matt. And good thing I jumped on that one early (not literally.) (Well, maybe.) because he just up and shaved the thing off the other night with no forewarning!! Glad I didn't procrastinate on this one or things could get reallllly awkward...

29. Learn a new way to tie a scarf. Not that I've actually left the house with it tied this way yet, but I can do it!

30. Beat Matt at a game of Jav. [If I've never described Jav before here, I'll be sure to do so at some point. Possibly.]

So that puts me at 15/30 totally completed, with another few in progress. Yikes. I better get busy! 

I had a busy and FABULOUS wedding-weekend, full of friends and food and primping and laughter and Instagram-ing (sorry if you follow me and got a little sick of seeing my feathered hairpiece) and also I bought two more lipsticks because I've decided I enjoy wearing lipstick. So that's that. Perhaps I'll give you a glamorous and photo-filled update later this week! 

But here's a teaser in case it takes me awhile to get around to it. Please note the feathers and the lipstick. I promise this is how I look on a regular basis.

And I'm out. Happy December (aka BEST MONTH EVER)!

it seriously needs to be weekend.

Although I understand conceptually that every day (and therefore week, weekend, month, etc.) is exactly the same length...daggum if it just doesn't feel that way sometimes. The good times seem to fly by (see: week at a resort). The mundane/boring times...juuuust....keeeeeep...draggggggging...byyyyyy (see: this week). I'm sure it has everything to do with the nine glorious days of freedom coming up. And having a stupid cold or whatever this is doesn't help matters. But for real. Holy crap this week needs to be done with.

So I never updated about the bachelorette party I was getting glammed up for last weekend! Although if you're friends with me on Facebook or Instagram, you might actually feel like you were there with me, so frequent and obnoxious were my updates. Oops. Sorry bout that. It's just that I so rarely engage in anything nearly this fun and photoworthy...I felt the need to thoroughly document it when I could!

My friend Elizabeth is the beautiful bride-to-be and her sister Sarah was the planner extraordinaire for the party. I've known Elizabeth and Sarah since I was in high school, although back then Sarah was one of the "little girls," as my friends and I referred to our group of five-years-younger-than-us sisters that were also all friends. Sarah was best friends with my little sister Sarah (that's not confusing is it- we just call them "the Sarahs" and are done with it), but now that we're all grown up and five years isn't such a big difference after all, I'm happy to call Sarah my friend as well. Sarah did a fantastic job planning a fun night for us all, especially considering that "us all" consisted 95% of ladies in their laaaaate 20s or early 30s. As the night progressed, we found great joy in pointing out the differences between the stereotypical bachelorette parties of 22-year-old babies recent college grads and the more seasoned 30-year-old professionals. 

We met up at Sarah's (SUPER CUTE!!!!) house first for some snacks and presents. 

22-year-old lingerie party: Model all of the new lacy, stringy gifts for your guests (on top of your regular clothes- optional).

30-year-old lingerie party: Model your fluffy new monogrammed bathrobe on top of your clothes while guests jealously comment on how comfortable and warm you look.

Then our ride showed up. Sarah got us a limo, which is seriously the most bachelorette-y thing ever. And also super fun. And also I would like to take a limo everywhere now, thanks. So our limo driver's name was Scotty, and Scotty was a realllllly special guy. The kind of guy that wears his handgun in plain sight, strapped across his chest, and constantly talks about protecting us and shooting people. And goes a little overboard with the body contact when helping the ladies in and out of the limo. Oh, Scotty...you were something else.

Anyway, as soon as he showed up, Scotty excitedly informed us that he picked up a "special movie" for us to watch in the limo. I'll give you three guesses, but I bet you won't need them! It's a fairly recent movie that most likely you or some women you know all got together to go see, giggling ridiculously as you anticipated the amazing dance scenes...right, uh huh. So anyway, that's what was on the 4 or so little TV screens in the limo. Some of the ladies were thrilled. Some of them were horrified. Ha-- with the 30 year old crowd, you just never can tell!

Elizabeth's thoughts about the film.

Unfortunately for Scotty, we mostly ignored the film in favor of the more-excellent 90s radio stations available for us to scream-sing along to. We also had a lot of picture-taking to do. Plus Sarah and I had to constant maintenance-work to do on our seriously bold lipstick.

We ate dinner at Eclipse di Luna, which was a delicious and fun tapas place. 

22-year-old bachelorette party alcohol choices: Jello shots

30-year-old bachelorette party alchohol choices: a couple respectable pitchers of sangria

Upon finishing dinner and finding ourselves with a substantial amount of time on our hands before our next engagement began, we decided to be honest with ourselves and admit that partying all night was not going to be possible without reinforcement. In the form of caffeine. So we told Scotty to locate us a Starbucks and step on it, which he did.

Unfortunately, what he managed to do was locate us the only Starbucks in Atlanta (and probably the world) that closed at 9pm. I mean, are you SERIOUS? I had never even heard of such a thing. But there they were, with lights dimmed and people mopping the floors. However, lucky for us, Scotty doesn't take "closed" for an answer. Not sure what kind of strings he pulled (or guns he flashed), but lo and behold-- the Starbucks employees were willing to unlock the doors and let us come in and purchase their wares!!

Victory is ours!!

We were sure to express our appreciation for their flexibility in the form of tips, don't worry.

30-year-old bachelorette party: Requires coffee.

We then made our way to Dad's Garage for an improv comedy show. I had never been to an improv show before, but now that I have I think I can express my feelings as this: I want to be an improv comedienne. It was so funny and I almost broke a rib with my raucous laughter. AND it was fairly clean, which was greatly appreciated. I definitely foresee myself traveling up there in the future for more shows. LOVED IT.

After that it was well past midnight, which meant that despite our caffeine reinforcement, the 30-year-old partiers were...well, done. Scotty gave us one last ride home, during which we celebrated Veteran's Day by singing the Armed Forces Medley. 

30-year-old bachelorette party: Everyone's sober enough to remember the Armed Forces Medley at 1am.

Elizabeth and I went back to her condo to spend the rest of the night chatting and giggling, which isn't so different than the many nights we spent like that during high school and living together in college. It was a perfect and entertaining night and now I am SUPER excited for her wedding in a few short weeks!

And also, I'm super glad I sat down to blog about this. Because now instead of feeling blah and irritated about this super long and boring week, I feel happy and inspired by reliving the fun of last weekend! So yay for that. 

And now I'm going to go eat brinner-- oh that's right, knocking things off the 30-before-30 list like it's no one's business. Oh yeah! One friend of mine (when I begged for 30/30 suggestions on Facebook) suggested that each of my Facebook friends give me $30 to help me celebrate! Personally, I thought that was the best idea ever, and I'd like to expand that generous offer to my blog audience as well. Feel free to send it via Paypal OR snail mail-- whatever works for you!

30 (days) before 30

I definitely never successfully made one of those ever-popular "30 before 30" bucket lists back when everyone was doing that a few years ago. I started to. I tried. I stressed over it. And I gave up after I could really only come up with one goal I really wanted to accomplish: becoming a mom. So it's a good thing I never actually made the list, or I would have to declare it a 100% failure.

However, it occurred to me today that I now have only 30 days left before I turn 30. Crunch time, yall. Time to wring every last bit of goodness out of my 20s before they're gone. So in true procrastinator's fashion, I'm hammering out a last-minute list of extremely (mostly) un-lofty "goals" for my last 30 days of 29-dom. Feel free to help out/shout encouragement along the way! And don't judge me if some of the "goals" are actually things I've already planned to do or just so happened to already do today. 30 goals is a lot when you're as unambitious as me!

1. Play video poker at the local gas station. [This is all Matt. He is begging me to list this. Evidently he really wants to do this, so that's why he's forcing me to put it on my list. Don't worry, I'll make him fund it!]

2. Eat a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce on it.

3. Cook/bake a new recipe.

4. Obtain clean fan blades in the master bedroom and living room. [Note that I said "obtain." This means I don't necessarily have to be the one doing this dreadful, most terrible chore. I can beg/bribe someone else and it totally counts!]

5. Eat at (from?) a food truck.

6. Shoot Matt's bow and arrow in the backyard.

7. De-lurk myself on at least 3 blogs.

8. Choose and decorate an amazing Christmas tree.

9. Roast marshmallows in the backyard.

10. Not sign this petition, so thoughtfully brought to my attention by one of my most ...umm... special... Facebook "friends." It's going to be really tough, since the thought of Georgia withdrawing from the United States to create its own new government is SUCH AN AWESOME IDEA, but I'm sure I can manage...

11. Brinner.

12. Get a haircut.

13. Take my vitamins every day.

14. Actually take the bag of "give to Goodwill" clothes to Goodwill.

15. Get to 150 followers. Come on, yall...surely 12 of you lurkers can tolerate me enough to jump on board, right? 

16. Finish watching seasons 1 & 2 of Modern Family.

17. Make a vlog. [Suggested by Amanda. Now I will need further suggestions as to what this vlog should be about. Go!]

18. Rate 150 books on Goodreads. [I've currently rated 125.]

19. Take pictures with my mom and dad.

20. Take a ridiculously long bubble bath.

21. Walk on the highest incline on the treadmill at a 3.5 pace for 5 minutes.

22. Memorize Psalm 30:1-5.

23. Make a secret Pinterest board. [I'm totally intrigued by this new capability, although I have no idea what to make a secret board about. Suggestions are welcome! ]

24. Diagram a sentence. [Random, yes. But I feel like it's a lost art. At least it's lost to me. And I'm concerned I've maybe forgotten how. So I should re-learn before I'm too old, right?]

25. Have 9 consecutive no-work days. [Hahaha, thank you Thanksgiving Break!! Done and DONE!]

26. Make a new Christmas craft.

27. Play piano for 30 minutes.

28. Make out with a tall, dark, and handsome bearded man. [My husband-whaaaat??!] [PS. Guess who suggested this one?]

29. Learn a new way to tie a scarf.

30. Beat Matt at a game of Jav. [If I've never described Jav before here, I'll be sure to do so at some point. Possibly.]

Well alrighty then! We have some very ambitious plans for the next 30 days, no? Don't worry, I won't bug you with an update every single time I complete one. Although I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing my fan blades haven't been cleaned...

Happy last 30 days of 29-dom to me!!