30 going on 97 & ridiculous junk

I'm turning 31 next week. It's not that big of a deal. It's only 31!, I tell myself. You have your whole life ahead of you still. And it's true. Thirty-one isn't that old. My brain understands.

My body didn't get the memo.

Last night as I was innocently vacuuming the living room, getting ready to watch the Sound of Music Live, it happened.

Old age.

As in, lightning bolts struck my lower back. One minute I'm standing there vacuuming. Next minute I've collapsed to the ground in pain, the vacuum is running but toppled over, I'm screaming, and Matt's standing over my crumpled, crying body, trying to figure out what just happened. 

I was in so much pain that I couldn't move. Or breathe. Or talk. I could only lay there on the floor and wonder how bodies can betray you like that. I was barely DOING anything! What'd I do to deserve Back Lightning??!

A quick consultation with Dr. Google and WebMD revealed that I probably had a herniated disc and/or was dying of something extremely late-term and tragic. Or maybe both. Since it was almost eight o'clock and SoM was about to start-- and I do have priorities--we decided to just park me on the couch with some Tylenol and ice the back. It was miserable. Even the Von Trapps couldn't make me feel much better, although reading hilarious Twitter commentary on the show helped. (Side note regarding SoM Live: in all, I enjoyed it but wasn't overwhelmed. My friend Colleen wrote up a fantastic and hilarious recap of the show which I 100% agree with, so go read her commentary and that's what I think, too.) 

Sleep last night was non-existent.  Laying down hurts. Standing hurts. Sitting hurts. EVERYTHING HURT NO MATTER WHAT I DID. It was miserable. So I laid in bed all night counting the minutes until the doctor's office would open in the morning. We were the first ones there, which felt like a big win. I wasn't in the mood for catching nine more diseases in the waiting room, so I was glad to be the first person in and out.

At any rate, the doctor agreed with WebMD- probably a herniated disc. He gave me three prescriptions and wished me luck as I wait out the pain. After picking up my new meds, I parked myself on the couch and so here we are, all up to date. My back, hips, and butt all hurt like CRAP still. But the meds totally knocked me out so at least I got three hours of sleep. I'm hoping the pain gets better soon and I'm also irritated that there's really nothing they can do to fix the problem except wait it out. I was ready for back surgery right there in the Prompt Care clinic, people. And I didn't get it. Boo.

So there's the riveting latest episode in the ongoing saga of how my body sucks. Getting old is SO FUN, kids!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

On the plus side,  we got a new issue of the ABC Distributing catalog the other day. Are yall familiar with this gem? You're about to be.

When we first bought our house and moved in, four and a half years ago, we found ourselves occasionally receiving the old residents' mail. One of the first things we ever got was this random ABC Distributing catalog, intended for a previous homeowner. Now obviously the 'real' mail we would return to the post office. But junk mail, flyers, and mass-mailed catalogs we tended to just throw in the recycling. But we made the mistake of actually looking at this catalog before we tossed it. And my oh my. What a treat.

ABC Distributing has what appears to be the world's largest collection of incredibly weird and ridiculous junk. It's kind of like Sky Mall, only waaaay cheaper and kitchsier, if that's imaginable. If Sky Mall is a  2013 Rolls Royce, this is a '86 Honda Civic. If Sky Mall is Nordstrom, this is Big Lots. Or like, a Big Lots factory outlet. If that exists. In other words, ABC Distributing is awesomely amazing and 100% entertaining. We kept that catalog on our coffee table for quite some time and EVERYONE that ever looked at it basically died of happiness. There was so much weird stuff in it!! So many bizarre and unnecessary items!! Classic.

We've had it ever since. We still like to pull it out and laugh at it. But a few weeks ago Matt had a great idea. A genius idea, really. He went onto the webpage and requested a new catalog! A new, up-to-date, current tome of awesomeness! We've been anxiously awaiting its arrival, and earlier this week it finally came. The Christmas 2013 edition! Just as weird as ever. Unbelievable. FREE ENTERTAINMENT, people.

Last night (prior to Lightning Back) I graced my new blog Facebook page with a picture of one of the many, many bizarre findings from the catalog. It's safe to say that the general public found the item to be as weird and hilarious as we did, so I'm glad I could spread some joy via singing Santa toilet lid covers. But earlier today, in my drugged stupor, I had my most brilliant idea yet: Twelve Days of Christmas. Like, a 12-day gift guide.

Yes.

I mean, I know that's not a new idea. Tons of bloggers have something like this. But they are mostly focusing on good ideas. Things you might actually want to buy for people. And let's face it-- most of the stuff is super expensive. But I haven't yet found anyone doing a Twelve Days of Hilariously Useless Cheap Crap. So I guess I'll step in and fill that void. Coming to a Facebook near you: the best holiday gift guide EVER. You're welcome, world.

So that's my new mission. I'm stuck on the couch, but at least I have some 'work' to do. I have to pick eleven more amazing, hilarious, completely ridiculous items to recommend to you for Christmas! It's a tough job, but I think I'm up to the task.

With that, I bid you adieu. And so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye! (To you! And you! And you and you and youuuuu!) (PS. Rolf's shorts. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA)