things I do because my mother wouldn't let me

I'm a rule follower. I always have been. I like rules, parameters, systems, and when people do what they're supposed to do. I don't always like or agree with a given rule...but even still, I abide by them. It would drive you crazy to ride in the car with me. I never go over the speed limit. Rule follower. 

Growing up, guess what? I was a rule follower! Obviously I disagreed with most of the rules my parents set up, but I very rarely sought to break them. I mastered the art of complying with my actions while SILENTLY REBELLING WITH MY BRAIN AND MY EYE ROLLS. I'm sure I was a delight to parent.

Now that I'm all grown, I understand and appreciate most of the rules my parents had. They were and are very reasonable people. They weren't on a power trip or arbitrarily strict. I still live by most of the rules that governed my life growing up: I don't run out in traffic, I don't climb into windowless vans with strange men offering candy, I wash my face before I go to bed, I don't smoke. 

But there are a few things I don't do. A few rules that got kicked to the curb once I left the nest. And I'm gonna be honest: I think that half of the joy I get from doing these things is just the knowledge that my mother wouldn't let me do it. But now I'm my OWN boss and I say yes. It's awesome. Sometimes being a grownup is the most kickass thing ever. So maybe deep in my heart there is a little seed of rebellion. Who knows.

The list is short, but here we go.

Things I Do Because My Mother Wouldn't Let Me:

1. Eat noodles with ranch dressing.

I know. I'm almost ashamed. But then again, I'm not, because it is SO FREAKING DELICIOUS. And my mother WOULDN'T LET ME. Was it because it's so grossly unhealthy? Because she spent so long heating up that Prego and she didn't want it to go to waste? Because the combination just disgusted her personally and therefore she didn't want to have to look at it on my plate? I may never know, but the fact is, every time I tried to eschew my marinara in favor of some Hidden Valley, I got shot down.

But now I'm my own boss. And while I am far too calorie-conscious to actually down a whole plate of noodles and ranch, I will admit that anytime I have a few leftover noodles, they're bound to rendezvous with a little ranch and be eaten up while I'm doing the dishes. And it is fabulous.

2. Walk around outside in my sock feet.

Exhibit A: last night

 Moms get in a frenzies about the lamest things. Walking around outside in socks has to be right up there at the top of the list. Yeah yeah yeah, I get that the Georgia red clay will NEVER EVER come out and they'll be permanently orange. The concrete will prick them up. They'll probably get a hole from a stick or something. And yet...sometimes a person just needs to walk around outside in their socks, okay?? Moms need to calm down. Now that I'm my own boss and I'm in charge of my own laundry and my own sock purchasing, I let myself walk around outside in my socks whenever the mood strikes (which is often). It's delightful. However, I don't judge my mom too harshly for this rule. I can see how it would be annoying to have to constantly replace the socks for three kids. I'd probably make a similar rule. But I definitely wouldn't abide by it myself. That's what being a grownup is all about!

3. Pop my gum.

I'm probably the most gifted gum popper you have ever encountered. Seriously. It's one of those things that 90% of you would never know about me since you don't know me in real life. The 10% that do know me are all nodding and wishing I would still abide by my mother's gum popping rules, which were plentiful. I'm pretty sure I learned the art of loud and obnoxious gum popping when I was still in diapers. I bet they thought it was cute at first. Ha! Joke's on you now. Anyway, my parents were always nagging me big time to stoooopppp popping your gummmmm!!!!!! whenever we were in the car, watching TV, or basically doing anything. I was allowed to pop my gum if I was alone in a soundproof room, which was not very often. Since I can't chew gum without popping it, this meant that I was doomed to spend most of my time gumless. I mean...what's even the point of life if you can't be chewing gum? Ugh. Anyway.

Either Matt is deaf or he's the kindest person on earth. I don't think he's ever complained about my gum popping. I pop it as loud as I want, whenever and wherever I want, AND IT IS AWESOME. I have my own office at work and that's my favorite part about that, too. No one complains or cramps my style. Freedom to pop. Bliss. 

Umm...I think this is the end of my list. Is that sad? 18 years of 'oppression' (so said the teenager) and now I glory in breaking three little rules? It is sad. Oh well. I'll just eat some noodles and ranch to cheer myself up while I dream up nonsensical rules to burden my own future children with! No cookies while you're wearing flip flops during Daylight Savings Time! I am definitely going to dominate parenthood.