exclusive

First of all, I would like to state that, for the record, I had a good day today. AT WORK. I enjoyed my job today. I was smiling when I left work.

I need to get that in writing so that on other days where things don't seem quite so shiny, I can look back and remember that some days, I like it. So it's worth noting.

Now, moving on.

Apparently I am pretty hot stuff.

You may have suspected this for quite some time, but in case there were any doubters amongst you, I think what I received in the mail this afternoon should close the case.

A large black envelope. About the size, shape, and thickness of a wedding invitation. Who would send a black wedding invitation?, I wondered to myself. Oh, a black wedding invitation addressed to me...using my maiden name. My confused mail-lady wrote a big question mark next to the maiden name...bless her heart, she thinks I've been a Bates forever. But that's not important to our story. I can't wait to get inside and see what awaits me.

Well, it's not a wedding invitation. Thank goodness.

It is the verrrrrry exclusive invitation to get my very own Visa Black Card.

*gasp*

In case you're not aware of what all this entails, let me just tell you. It's all written right here on the lovely black invitation, so I'll just copy it for you. My personal commentary will be italicized like this.

GET YOUR EXCLUSIVE BLACK CARD NOW.

*Limited Membership
*24-Hour Concierge Service [okay, I'm intrigued. So you'll come to my house, day or night, and be at my beck and call? You've got my attention, Visa.]
*Exclusive Rewards Program [second time they've used the words exclusive. I'm feeling special!]
*Luxury Gifts [like what? a yacht? a 12-carat diamond from Tiffany's?]
*Patent Pending Carbon Card [ummm...why? So that eleven billion years from now, archaelogists can carbon date it and determine that I was a very important person?]
*Annual Fee $495 [WHAT???!! This better be a pretty sweet yacht, then...]

Those are some pretty convincing bullet points. Let's see what else they have to say for themselves. And I quote...

For those who demand only the best of what life has to offer [definitely sounds like me], the exclusive Visa Black Card is for you. The Black Card is not just another piece of plastic [yes, I believe we established already that it is carbon...]. Made with carbon [ahh, there it is], it is the ultimate buying tool.

The Black Card is not for everyone [hence the use of the word "exclusive," I suppose...]. In fact, it is limited to only 1% of U.S. residents to ensure the highest caliber of personal service is provided to every Cardmember. [that's why I needed to blog about this...I'm guessing the rest of you average joes are in the unlucky 99% that weren't offered this exclusive card. They must not have enough concierges to go around.]

Become a Black Card member today and enjoy our 24-hour world class Concierge Service ready to assist you with all your business, travel and leisure needs. [examples of my needs: Business-- "hey Concierge, could you wipe the snot off that kid's face?" Travel-- "Concierge, would you please confirm our reservations at my mother's house for next weekend? We want the guest bedroom with the most recently laundered sheets, please." Leisure--"Concierge, would you please map the most efficient route between yard sales in my extremely rural community? Thanks..."]

So while I obviously have a great need for this Black Card, I'm going to have to go with a no thanks, Visa. I'm not sure what formula you used to determine that I was amongst the 1% eligible for this (could it be my steller credit history with my one other credit card? the one with an average balance of $50 that is paid in full every month? clearly, I'm the type the credit card companies want!). You almost had me with your tempting offers of butler service (is that what a concierge is?) and luxurious gifts, but that $495 fee was a real turn-off. You must think I'm made of monies, and I'm not. If I were, why would I need a credit card? Wouldn't I already have my own team of butlers following me around? Let's think about it, Visa.

So...anyone out there jealous? Anyone actually a Black Card member and you want to share stories of your luxurious gifts and concierges? Anyone want to front me $500/year so I can experience it?...I promise I'll blog about all my luxurious experiences!!