tired.

Just a quick update to let you guys know (and remind my future self-- hello, self!-- you know, the one who looks back and re-reads her old blogs) that I haven't died or disappeared or forgotten about blogging or anything of the sort. I'm alive and more or less well and here.

I'm just tired. New depths of tired. I keep finding new depths. It's amazing.

I've had to work late several nights in the last week. I also have to go to work earlier in the morning. We've had family get-togethers and out of town visiters. We've had about 6 doctors visits between the two of us. (And 6 office co-pays, don't forget those!) I can't even sleep in on Saturdays because I get anxious thinking about all the yardsales I'm missing. I think that might make me a tiny bit crazy, btw. And it's 8:00 on a Tuesday night and I'm showered and in my PJs and I would love to go straight to bed, but I know that if I don't watch Biggest Loser and Lost live (or semi-live, as it were) I won't get a chance to watch them for potentially two days and I'm not sure I can go on living like that. I'm nothing if not committed to my Tuesday night shows. :)

Oh yes, I'm also committed to Amazing Race and I would just like to take this opportunity to say GO COWBOYS!!!

Back to your regularly scheduled blog.

So, in the interest of semi-full-disclosure (and shamelessly begging for prayers), our infertility medical updates. We have some test results in and they're not good. Actually they're pretty bad. Apparently it's no medical fluke we haven't gotten pregnant... to put it in the words of my tactful doctor, "it's not impossible for you guys to get pregnant. It just might take a lot more time and effort than you'd like." Well, duh. Seventeen months in, I already figured that much out!! So I'm scheduled to have some more invasive (read: painful and probably expensive) testing done in a few weeks...at which point we will have a better idea of what our "next steps" are.

Of course, if by some miracle I got pregnant this week, then none of those next steps would be necessary, right?? So...pray??

It's funny...I don't really feel "old" enough to be dealing with all of this. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see my hair in its perpetual ponytail, my dirty (from gardening and four year olds) and wrinkled clothes, my makeup-free face (from sweaty recesses and too much crying) and I look like I'm 17 still. I usually feel like that too...like I have about as much emotional maturity as your average high school student. I guess I've always thought that people struggling with infertility were much older, richer, and wiser than me. I imagine "them" having an emotional strength that I surely lack.

I guess I was wrong.

So this is why I'm so tired. In addition to work, play, yardsales, and gardening, I've had to grow up a lot this week. It's not easy. But I'm getting there.

So that's where I am. I really and truly covet your prayers. Lately I've found it nearly impossible to pray for myself...it just hurts too much... so I'm needing other people to fill in the gap for me. And let me be completely honest and just say that one of my favorite things to daydream about is the day when I will get to write out (because I've mentally composed it a thousand times) the blog where I announce that your prayers were answered and that I'm pregnant. I can't wait for that day. I mean, it's pretty much the only reason I want to get pregnant.

Okay, NOT. Just kidding. But seriously. It's gonna be great.

And with that, I'm off to my much-anticipated Tuesday night TV marathon!! Goodnight!