this time last year

I've found myself thinking a lot lately about what life was like a year ago at this time. 

To be honest, it sucked.

I don't know if there are adequate words in the English language to describe the particular feeling of hope and overwhelming fear that surrounds someone who is days away from their maybe-baby's due date. I remember, though. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up every single waking minute of every day. I've never experienced morning sickness, but maybe it's something like that- only this nausea is from panic and fear, not hormones. I remember just wanting to be able to turn off my brain. To relax for just FIVE MINUTES. To not be frantically wondering what was going to happen in an hour, a day, or a week. To just KNOW whether we were going to leave the hospital with a baby this time, and if we did, then would we make it through the ten days and still have a baby in our arms. Last year at this time, we were celebrating last everythings...and trying desperately to believe that they were truly our lasts. To be honest, I can barely even stomach reading my own posts from a year ago. I remember so vividly how terrified I was...it just kinda makes me feel sick all over again. Even though I know how the story ends...I will never, ever forget what it felt like in the days before redemption came.

Yo, Mom. Enough talk about redemption- how about a cold beverage while I get my relaxation on?

Life isn't stress-free now, but praise Jesus, all my current stressors are so gloriously mundane they're nearly laughable.

Work. It's been really stressful the last few months. It gets me down sometimes. But you wanna know what's awesome about work stress? EVERYONE IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS IT. Practically everyone has experienced it personally at some time or another. When you want to complain to someone- a friend, a parent, a random checker at the grocery store- about how work has been overwhelming lately, THEY GET IT. And they don't try to offer ridiculous platitudes and "promises" with no legitimate basis (I'm looking at you, "God won't give you more than you can handle"...). 

And although Millie is truly one of the easiest and most un-stress-inducing babies I've ever known or heard of, even parenthood isn't entirely stress-free. But you wanna know what is the most awesome stress ever? Parenthood stress. Because it means I am a parent. So it makes it pretty easy to keep things in perspective. 

Still, Millie's health has kinda sucked the past few months (in a really, really non-serious way...not at all trying to compare her to kids with SERIOUS medical issues and conditions). She got tubes in her ears last week, and although it's probably the simplest surgery in the world, it was still a little stressful knowing that she would be under general anesthesia and signing the paperwork that says you understand that surgery could result in loss of limbs and/or death...which seems a little unlikely, but still. 

But I like my limbs, Mommy.

What's going on? Why are we awake so early? WHERE IS MY FOOD?

Another picture, Mama? On an empty tummy? Really? I can't even.

And so the bottom line is this: if I even start to mentally complain about stress these days, I can cut myself off pretty quickly by thinking back to last year at this time. Then I just have to laugh at my present-day self. And when I laugh, Millie laughs, because she thinks laughing is great. And then everything is better, because there is nothing better than a happy, laughing baby.

A happy, laughing baby calls me Mama, yall. Everything was worth it.