I try to keep it in perspective. I try to remain optimistic. I try to have faith. I do.
And the last few months, I've really been succeeding. I feel like all these prayers have finally sunk in on some level. Yeah, we're still not pregnant...so that hasn't changed. But my heart has, to some degree. I've had more peace. More joy. Less of a need to stress and control and freak out. Progress, right?
But sometimes...I just don't know.
HOW LONG, God?
How long will we wait? How many more nights will we spend crying on the couch because we find out, once again, it's a not yet? How many more months will we have to experience the horrible cycle of hope and despair? How many more times will I have to offer a "congratulations" through my tears when friends announce their pregnancies? How much longer until I just quit having friends altogether, because I just can't handle the jealousy sometimes? How long?
How much longer will I be stuck in career purgatory, where I've been wasting the last 3 years? I've never had career "goals" or whatever, because my only goal was to be a (stay-at-home) mom. Well, that was cute and all three years ago, but at some point I guess I'm going to have to grow up and pick another goal, something I can actually obtain. But for some reason, it feels like if I pick something, if I start working toward something, then I'm cheating on my non-existent child(ren). If that's not messed up, I don't know what is.
So how long?
Just in case you've forgotten, God or anyone else who may be reading this, it's been TWENTY-SEVEN MONTHS. Twenty-seven months of this horribleness. TWENTY-SEVEN MONTHS!! I'm sorry, the number just sinks in a little bit more every time I type it.
27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 27
Let's see. I could have started and finished pretty much any master's degree program in that amount of time. I could be almost through law school. You know, which I didn't go to because I wanted to have children instead!!!!!! Funny. And don't even get me started on how, if I had gotten pregnant when we first started trying (27 months ago), I would have a 1.5 year old and could easily and reasonably be pregnant with my second. Right. I could be lapping myself. It's awesome to think about it like that.
Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock.
Oh wait, I do.
And I'm just going to sit here and cry and eat the brownies Matt made me and cry and whine and ask God how long until He gets absolutely sick of me and either smacks me upside the head or GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. And although I'm hoping for the latter, I'm really open to anything right about now.
Anything but more waiting.
I'm so sorry- I know there is not much to say or do, but I will just have faith for you guys ok? You can take some time and fall apart when you need to and other people can hold you up! By the way, let's get together soon!
ReplyDeleteHa wow, seriously- we are long lost twins! Or since I already have a twin, we are long lost triplets... except she's pregnant now, so that throws a wrench in things :)
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to every part of this post (except for the fact that we have only been trying for 17 months, so we're behind you.
Please know that I really am praying for you on a regular basis- that you would continue to find joy and have a peace that surpasses understanding, because right now "understanding" would = freaking out and being admitted to a mental institution.
Oh, and PS- I totally don't pay for the fertilityfriend subscription- I just use the free service! It's definitely more limited, but it does the job!
thinking and praying for y'all
ReplyDeleteAs someone a little further down the path, I know platitudes don't usually help much (though at times a few simple words have had a huge impact). I can only assure you it gets better. Over the 8 years of our ups and downs I do know that tomorrow is another day. Always on these bad days God at least came through with encouragement not to give up, no to believe the lie that you aren't meant to be a mother so I want to make sure you know that! As a side note, I too HUGELY struggled with the career thing and that was a source of tension between Jason and I as much as anything at times, if you want to talk, call anytime.
ReplyDeleteErika, I'm so sorry. I'll continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you (and myself) as I read this. I'm right there with ya and can offer my empathy, encouragement, and misery at times. I was really encouraged by what Beth Moore said in the last video about only being strengthened by waiting on the Lord when we are only waiting for Him and not our fill-in-the-blank desire. This has been a harder month for me as well, but I keep reminding myself that the joy of the Lord is my strength. It's become a daily mantra. Yesterday's sermon was pretty on point, don't you think? I, too, feel suspended in a deadend job just waiting for my "real" life to begin. It's been a struggle to realize that I'm in this job now for a reason and need to try to do whatever it is God wants me to do in the meantime. *sigh* We'll get some serious medals when this is all over for running this race as long as we have! :) I hope you have a good rest of the week, just lean into Him.
ReplyDeletehey, you can always compare your life to mine:
ReplyDeleteworking the same job i worked in high school, living with my parents, unmarried, no kids, minimal social life...
just thought i would try to make you feel better :)