Friday, April 26, 2013

justified, part II

First of all- thanks for all the expert advice, support, and enthusiasm about my bold proclamation yesterday. Ha. I appreciate that you can be so enthusiastic even knowing I'll probably forget all about this in another week or two! But for the time being, your excitement propelled me to do some more 'training' yesterday (Thursday! A day I normally do NOT work out!) and to keep running even when I was, I'd say. Not sure if I'm going to be happy for the accountability or regret talking about any of this very quickly! Such is the nature of blogging, I suppose. 

So anyway. I need to share another story of justification with you. Please recall my lifelong mortal fear of birds. Something many people like to mock, and nicer people choose to just accept...but surprisingly few people share my fear. So whenever I have a chance, I like to present compelling evidence (such as this) that I AM RIGHT AND JUSTIFIED in my fear, and the rest of you are being foolish.

This happened yesterday:

I kid you not. Bird attack. In my own parking lot. To one of my favorite people.

Here's how it went down.

Diana, who just returned from 10 days in Bali (I know, it's okay to hate her a little), was returning to work from a dentist appointment. I found this out when she sprinted into my office like her clothes were on fire. She was shaking. She was wide-eyed. She was acting surprisingly un-jetlagged. She couldn't get her words straight.


You might think I would freak out. That's probably what she was expecting, knowing my track record of Bird Fear. But I did not. Because when the thing you expect happens...well, it's what you expect. It's not surprising. You might be surprised, however, to hear that I immediately correctly guessed WHICH bird it was.

"Was it that bird that lives in the bush in front of my parking spot?"


"Yeah, I figured. That bird is extra scary. I always suspected it would come to this."

True story. Some mornings I have to sit in the car for several extra minutes until the bird and I reach an agreement that I can exit my car, run into the building, and then he can go back to his aggressive patrol of the bush. I hate that bird.

And apparently that bird hates Diana, which is why for no good reason at all he decided to FLY AT HER and PECK HER ARM. I am not kidding. She had peck marks on her cardigan to prove it.

I hate that it happened to Diana, but a tiny part of me loves being proven right. Okay, a huge part of me. I AM RIGHT, DAMMIT! BIRDS ARE EVIL!! I wanted to call everyone who's ever mocked me and tell them. But I hate talking on the phone, so I figured blogging about it would be the more efficient way of getting the news out.

Naturally I told Matt all about it. He pretty much laughed it off, like getting attacked wasn't a traumatizing experience for Diana, or like I was probably exaggerating the whole thing. This morning we found ourselves a new parking spot. I have no need to prove my dominance to that bird. He can have that spot. After we parked, with no birds in sight, I sprinted into my building. As I looked out the door to see Matt walking across the parking lot to cross the street to his office, what do I see? That same evil bird, crossing into Matt's personal No Fly Zone. I saw the fear flash in his eyes as the bird came squawking up next to him. It didn't touch him. But it came close. And through the glass doors I yelled "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

I love being right.

EDIT: At approximately 9:00 a.m. my co-worker Katherine arrived at work, parked in The Spot, and was subsequently attacked by the bird. As of approximately 9:03 a.m. we were plotting our Threat Removal Plan, to be implemented immediately.


  1. I hope my friend Brittany reads this post, because she shares your fear/disdain for birds!

  2. I too fear birds and love being right....maybe we are related or something! The funny thing is, I have a neighbor that always asks me to pet sit for their bird when they go out of town. They take the dog to a boarding place and leave me with the bird, I would much prefer the dog. Luckily, we haven't had any run ins.

  3. My favorite part about your post is that Matt's called "Mattie McHusband" in your phone!

  4. Birds scare the crap out of me!!! I was eating a delicious Milano cookie while sitting on the beach and a nasty sea gull <---worst bird of them all, swooped down and stole it out of my hand. I about nearly died on the spot, shaking, and screaming!!! Hate hate hate birds!

  5. Birds are scary with the exception of owls... owls are awesome. I'm going to keep telling you that until you agree with me.

  6. HA! This post cracked me up. One of my bestie's is deathly afraid of birds and they always seem to follow her. :) I've never been pecked though but that would creep me out! Maybe she had babies in the bush?!

  7. truly disturbing. There is a bird near my office that routinely flies at the window--but we figured he was just...special. Now I'm wondering if there's a plan, a method to the madness...

  8. I wasn't all that scared of birds. Until this post. Maybe it's just that the birds in Georgia are scary. That's what I'll tell myself anyways... And now all I can hear is the birds yelling outside my window. Thanks.

    ps. One of my captcha words is "alliance" as in "Birds are all in alliance with each other against us humans. Yay.

  9. Wow! This sounds just like a Hitchcock movie. I don't know how you feel about guns or shooting animals, though birds hardly qualify. But you're really good at Jav so maybe you should carry a stick around just in case.

  10. Hahahahahha! You captured the story perfectly. Stupid bird.

  11. Thank you for making me smile every time I read one of your stories. Well, almost every time. I certainly don't forget the real reason behind your blog, but I appreciate the laughs you share in spite of your pain. I just think you're fabulous!

  12. I didn't know you were afraid of birds before! I told you in my last comment that I love them and I bought the same cat purse as your sister but with birds instead! You probably thought I was crazy to love birds! I love the way you write, very enjoyable to read :)

  13. Yikes!!! That sounds awful and terrifying.

  14. So, funny story. That fire drill (which was unplanned and actually a system malfunction) was extra long because after they got the all clear from the fire dept, Jonathon was in charge of turning the alarm off bc Phil (COO) wasn't there. And he had been shown how to do it once, 2 years ago. So he was standing directly in front of the blaring alarm trying to read confusing instructions and it apparently took him 5+ tries to actually shut it down. At least the weather was nice for all the people waiting in the church parking lot!

  15. This is hilarious. What kind of bird is this? I mean, is it a big bird?!

    I used to hate birds. I have discovered now i love them IF it's a pretty sweet quiet non-scary bird. :) Growing up my friend had 2 pet birds & I HATED IT b/c every time I went over there all you could hear was the loudest squawking birds! I new i would NEVER have a pet bird. I didn't realize i was afraid of them until later when we went to Disneyworld & in this food court area they are EVERYWHERE! And the sea gulls would ATTACK YOU! One actually took a girl's french fry FROM HER HAND! (Or something. Food she was holding. I think a french fry. It was a long time ago).

    BUT then years after that, i guess i had been away from scary birds for awhile, when i started walking some lakes by us & fell in love with the egrets & the pelicans. And now i just love birds. As long as they are outside & not squalking at you or attacking you! LOL

  16. I can handle a bird, but put a lizard in my path and watch me have a full blown panic attack. It makes no sense that an animal that can attack me (a bird) does not scare me, yet an animal that cannot attack me (a lizard) scares me to death.

    Please blog about y'alls plan of attack!

  17. Allison's friend Brittany IS reading this! Oh my are completely justified. I can relate so much to this, especially the part about running into the office. Like Brittnie (above) my fear of lizards is actually about 10 times worse than my fear of birds. I have stooped so low as to crawl out of the passenger side of my car (in public) if I see a lizard or bird anywhere near the driver's side. I love your blog!

  18. 1. I HATE birds too. Had a bad experience at 19 in South America getting swarmed by panicked pidgeons. Like at least 10 of them flew into me in the ordeal. Never getting over fear of birds.
    2. I think I know what bird you're talking about. I've watched a particularly territorial bird from the car line for a while now.
    3. Ya'll are all so brave. Must know how the removal plan worked!
    4. DIana is my new hero for surviving the bird attack!
    5. To prove I'm not a robot I'm gonna have to type "acknowledged, do wica". Seriously? Is that a clue about what is possessing your bird? Watch out. That's all I'm sayin'.

  19. Apparently, birds stir up lots of people… okay, so my bird attack story.

    Due to your other coworker's attack, I'm pretty sure that your bird is a momma bird and that her nest is in a bush or tree near The Spot. Here's why:

    There was an open breezeway at my office. The most direct route to the FedEx dropbox was through said breezeway. I went EVERYDAY for a year plus. Then, all of a sudden, one day last spring, I was ATTACKED by a giant, mean, scary, squawking beast of a bird. I had super long hair and it FLEW IN MY HAIR! Holy freakout! Needless to say I screamed, started running, waved the FedEx envelope in the air, but it KEPT COMING! Finally I escaped, but it sat on the edge of the roof and SCREAMED at me! Needless to say, I walked around the building to get back. But the next day, assuming crazy bird was a one time deal, I went back… IT HAPPENED AGAIN! I avoided that route for a week or so, went back, and nothing. I assume baby birds moved out and psycho momma chilled.

    I'm not afraid of parakeets, or blue birds, or hummingbirds, or penguins, but girl, Alfred Hitchcock knew what he was onto when he made "The Birds". Scary stuff.

  20. Birds are super scary. I have been attacked by a goose, a chicken and a pack of wild turkeys. And freshman year of high school I was pooped on at lunch.

  21. Oh, you can always make me laugh, even when I'm feeling shitty.

    One of my best friends is terrified of birds. The one time we were sitting in Bryant Park having lunch when one made a beeline for her head and she started freaking out, as expected, while another friend and I laughed our asses off. Later when she told the story to her mom she was so distraught that she made it sound like the BIRDS were laughing at her. So now when I see a group of birds on an electrical line, I can't help but think they're up there plotting attacks and laughing at us stupid humans. Too funny!

  22. Was it a mocking bird? b/c those are the territorial ones. All other little birdies are sweet, can't you just hate mean mocking birds???

  23. Hahaha! This does not surprise me at all. I was shamefully attacked by a bird too. I was pleasently walking and the bird came out of nowhere trying to peck me in the head.

  24. Hahaha, this made me laugh out loud! Birds give me the creeps!


I love comments almost as much as I love Mexican food. Seriously.