a really big girl and some musing on life

Whoa. It's Christmas Eve. How'd that happen? Also, how'd I make it to Wednesday without blogging? I'm falling apart here, obviously.

On Monday Camilla had her "four month" checkup. The quotation marks are necessary because she is closer to five months than four, but whatev. The big (haha) question of the day was HOW MUCH DOES SHE WEIGH, EXACTLY? Because she looks healthy, if you know what I mean. Not malnourished. Probably going to survive a famine longer than anyone else.

I was worried she was going to be completely off the percentile charts and that I was going to get a lecture about childhood obesity or something. But my worries were in vain- she's still on the chart, hallelujah!! She's a healthy 16 pounds, 14.5 oz...merely the 95th percentile! But put another way- she has DOUBLED (and then some) her birth weight! That's pretty impressive. No wonder my back hurts all the time. She is 25.25 inches long (75th %ile) and her head has grown almost 2 inches since her two month checkup, which explains why none of her hats fit anymore. Also, she has that big smart brain to accommodate. Overall, her appointment went well and she was declared healthy and beautiful. She had to get some shots, though, which wasn't really her favorite. I took the whole day off work so that I could be there to take care of her post-shots if she wasn't feeling so hot. 

Really, she just wanted to sleep.

After that, she wanted to moan pitifully for awhile and then sleep some more.

 And then after that, she decided that all she could manage was to be held and cuddle and nap on her mommy for the rest of the day. It was a real burden, but I managed to step up and help her out...while watching Gilmore Girls and listening to the cold rain outside.

It really wasn't the worst thing ever. To put it mildly.

I got basically nothing accomplished on Monday, but I got to cuddle with my snuggly baby for hours on end, so it was the best day ever. 

Yesterday I went back to work for our final day before Christmas. There were treats and gift exchanges and the day went pretty quickly. Over at my in-laws' house, Millie took napping to a whole 'nother level. To put it in perspective, I normally like her to get between 3.5-4 hours of sleep (total, divided over however many naps) during the day (before I get her at 5:15). That seems to lead to her being the happiest baby possible during both the day and the evening. Lots of days it doesn't happen and she just gets 2.5 hours or so. She can survive on that. Rarely she'll sleep 4.5 hours or so. Yesterday she slept SIX HOURS AND FORTY-FIVE MINUTES during the day. Homegirl was WIPED OUT. And she still took another nap before bedtime!! It was like having a really huge newborn.

Today we're packing up to head to my parents' house for Christmas. Matt still has to work today, so the girls are doing all the work.

I contribute by being really adorable and distracting!

I have no idea whether Millie is going to be Super Sleepy Baby today or back to her normal self, so obviously I'm getting a jump start on productivity by wasting away her first nap blogging and drinking coffee in my PJs. (And also washing diapers...that counts towards productivity, right?) I'm sure the car will just pack itself...

I may not be the most productive person in the world right now, but I feel pretty confident I'm the happiest. We haven't even finished our Christmas shopping yet (judge away, people who finished yours in July!!) and probably won't. IOUs for Christmas? I'll text you a picture of Millie? Whatever, can't bring myself to get too worked up over it...I just...baby. All I want to do is cuddle and play with my sweet girl, the greatest gift I could ever even imagine. 

The funny thing is...I've been thinking about this for the last few weeks...it's like, now that Millie is here and I'm a mom, I feel like I can finally breathe again. I can stop worrying about what the future might bring- I can THINK about the future, period. For so many years it was this bleak, scary, unknowable thing and I couldn't dare to hope or dream or even think because I just didn't know what was going to happen and who I was going to be: a mother? Childfree and happy? Childfree and bitter? And now it's like I'm free to hope again. The chains are gone and I am a mother and now I can figure out what else and who else I want to be, too. My heart can grow and all of the sudden I have these random ideas and thoughts and desires that keep bubbling out and smacking Matt in the head- we should do this!!! Hey, what about that? For five years I could only think about ONE THING, and now I can think about EVERYTHING. It's crazy how awesome it feels. (This probably makes no sense to most people, but maybe other people parenting after infertility can relate. If this all sounds like crazed rambling, just blame it on the abundance of sugar-filled holiday treats and overcaffeination.)

I hope you have a very happy Christmas, and know that my thoughts and prayers are always with my sisters still waiting for miracles. My heart aches with yours. I will never, ever forget what that feels like...I will never cease to be thankful for the abundant gifts I've received.