not this time

And...I'm out. Out of the "maybe I'll get pregnant this month!!!!" game. Again.

And again.

And again.

I feel like a broken record.

Emphasis on broken.

Also emphasis on record. As in...have I set some kind of world record for REALLYREALLY wanting to get pregnant and perpetually failing?

I know I haven't (yet). People do this for YEARS AND YEARS. Way more than my current (almost) two years. So...isn't that incredibly NOT encouraging?? I could still be doing this two years from now? Ha, right. We all know I won't be doing this two years from now. By then I will have just up and kidnapped a baby while shopping at Target and will be serving cold hard time in a penitentiary somewhere.

So...I don't really know what to say. I've been avoiding writing this blog because I feel like as long as I don't write it...maybe there's still hope, maybe it's not really true, maybe I'll wake up and my life will be totally different. Maybe we won't be broken and maybe our doctors will think there's some hope for us and maybe God will feel like being nice to us.

Well, a girl can dream.

I don't know what we're going to do this cycle. I am totally burned out on infertility treatments. I'm sick of it. And since our doctors told us last month that they really don't think there's any hope for us short of IVF...and so far they've been right...it just doesn't make me feel like spending a lot of time and emotional energy and money on another probably-pointless cycle of drugs and IUIs.

I don't know if not doing treatments will be any easier, emotionally, though. You know? It's like...will I feel better by not doing everything possible to get pregnant? I don't know. Sure, I hate going to the doctor so often for check ups and shots and ultrasounds and IUIs and whatever else, especially when I feel like (and my feelings have been completely correct up to this point) I'm throwing our hard-earned (and quickly fading) money away...but at least I feel like I'm doing something. If we take the no-assisted- reproductive- technology route this month, we have about a 100% chance of not getting pregnant again. We'd be banking on a miracle. And lately, to me, it just hasn't seemed like God's feeling too generous with the miracles.

If you need some inspiration and spiritual uplifting and optimism...I'm not your girl today. Try back next week. Sorry.

So...advice, thoughts, comments, prayers, cold hard cash...all of these I will gladly accept. Oh, and if you have a cute baby lying around that you'd like to get rid of...I promise I will be a good mommy. Call me.