Tuesday, October 19, 2010

not this time

And...I'm out. Out of the "maybe I'll get pregnant this month!!!!" game. Again.

And again.

And again.

I feel like a broken record.

Emphasis on broken.

Also emphasis on record. As in...have I set some kind of world record for REALLYREALLY wanting to get pregnant and perpetually failing?

I know I haven't (yet). People do this for YEARS AND YEARS. Way more than my current (almost) two years. So...isn't that incredibly NOT encouraging?? I could still be doing this two years from now? Ha, right. We all know I won't be doing this two years from now. By then I will have just up and kidnapped a baby while shopping at Target and will be serving cold hard time in a penitentiary somewhere.

So...I don't really know what to say. I've been avoiding writing this blog because I feel like as long as I don't write it...maybe there's still hope, maybe it's not really true, maybe I'll wake up and my life will be totally different. Maybe we won't be broken and maybe our doctors will think there's some hope for us and maybe God will feel like being nice to us.

Well, a girl can dream.

I don't know what we're going to do this cycle. I am totally burned out on infertility treatments. I'm sick of it. And since our doctors told us last month that they really don't think there's any hope for us short of IVF...and so far they've been right...it just doesn't make me feel like spending a lot of time and emotional energy and money on another probably-pointless cycle of drugs and IUIs.

I don't know if not doing treatments will be any easier, emotionally, though. You know? It's like...will I feel better by not doing everything possible to get pregnant? I don't know. Sure, I hate going to the doctor so often for check ups and shots and ultrasounds and IUIs and whatever else, especially when I feel like (and my feelings have been completely correct up to this point) I'm throwing our hard-earned (and quickly fading) money away...but at least I feel like I'm doing something. If we take the no-assisted- reproductive- technology route this month, we have about a 100% chance of not getting pregnant again. We'd be banking on a miracle. And lately, to me, it just hasn't seemed like God's feeling too generous with the miracles.

If you need some inspiration and spiritual uplifting and optimism...I'm not your girl today. Try back next week. Sorry.

So...advice, thoughts, comments, prayers, cold hard cash...all of these I will gladly accept. Oh, and if you have a cute baby lying around that you'd like to get rid of...I promise I will be a good mommy. Call me.


  1. Erika, I'm heartbroken for you and yet I know nothing I can say will make your heart feel better. We will continue praying for you and Matt.

  2. Boo hiss. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through another disappointment- there is really nothing to say except that it stinks. A lot.

    And I totally relate to wanting to keep doing whatever can be done to move the process along, but I can't tell you how much relief I felt last week by just giving myself permission to even consider taking a break from it all! Seriously, the idea of not having any medicine in my body and not having to see the stupid RE once for a month or two really did take quite a load off.

    Now, if we end up having to actually take a break (ie: if this round doesn't star looking up), I know it will be tough, because even if we are not "trying," I will still be thinking about it all the time.

    Anyway, all this to say, I will pray for you! I was very encouraged by the verse of the day that I read yesterday, and I hope it does the same for you: "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

    Hang in there, and go eat lots and lots of ice cream!!

  3. When I think about/pray for you...I always think of the words "let go." Maybe it doesn't necessarily mean what I assume and what would quickly come to mind, but pray about it. Love you.

  4. I pray for you every day at 2:30 AM during Adorations night-time feeding.

    Just wanted to let you know. EVERY DAY UNTIL IT HAPPENS.
    and when Adoration drops that feeding, I'll find some other random, probably very early in the morning time to take it's place.

    I love you.

  5. you are in my prayers, erika! i am so sorry to see you go through this.

  6. Oh, this makes my heart hurt for you. There's a line in the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" that says, "Hast thou not seen how thy desires have been granted in what He ordaineth?" That doesn't read very smoothly, but I really believe that God will fulfill your desire for a baby in exactly the way he has ordained to do so... whether that's pregnancy soon or later or adoption (but probably not abduction from Target :)). Praying for you!

  7. Erika,
    I am Jake's ex-girlfriend Jessica (that came to your wedding)- I just wanted to let you know that I've read your blog for awhile, being secretly creepy, and I'm so sorry you and Matt are going through this. You really WOULD be good parents, and whenever I read about your latest treatment not working, all I can think about are the couples who go through this, pray and pray for miracles, and eventually DO get their miracle. There is a baby Bates waiting on you somewhere, someplace, sometime. I hope your miracle happens for you sooner than later. In the meantime, best wishes. You are amazingly upbeat for someone going through such a tough situation.


  8. I don't know if you know but Jason and I started the adoption process after 8 years. Be glad to talk to you anytime.

  9. and by trying I mean hoping - we decided against trying to many fertility treatments b/c my diagnosis was Turner's Syndrome

  10. So I'm way behind on linking up, partly because I know that nothing I can come up with can make it better but I was reading through my blog list and Amy had a linky that I thought you might be encouraged by:


  11. love how raw and authentic you are. I think those of us who are fertility challenged have probably all felt like this a couple of times. you feel like you've got to sugarcoat it, put some positive spin on it, remind people that you haven't lost faith. but I love your honesty, and that you can maintain your witty sense of humor even in the darkest moments.


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