Monday, May 23, 2011


I think the title says it all. Blah. I feel blah. And also a little bit angry, and a lot sad. And tired. Physically. And emotionally...well, more like exhausted.

We had a really good weekend. We went to Augusta (my home sweet home), primarily because there was a shower for my soon-to-be sister-in-law on Saturday morning. Never ones to waste a 2 hour drive, we made a weekend of it. It was nice spending time with my family and enjoying the delicious restaurant offerings of Augusta Evans. (Sorry, but you know it will drive Matt crazy if I am not completely 100% accurate in my city-naming!) We spent most of the weekend enjoying one of my parents' various porches/decks. I must say, they are people who truly get their money's worth out of their porch furniture. They may as well sell off the inside doesn't get used. They're outside-sittin'-people. I enjoy this, except for the fact that I am apparently an all-you-can-eat-buffet for biting bugs of all types. Everyone else is all "oh, isn't it such a nice night?? The mosquitoes aren't out yet!" and I'm, they're out, it's just that they're all eating ME and leaving you guys alone. Glad I can be the sacrificial lamb!

Anyway. We spent most our time talking and eating (or doing both at once) and when we came back to Athens, our family was a little bit bigger-- we are keeping Goliath, my parents' (and mine!) dog, for the next month while my parents travel. Thus my need to obtain more pets will be temporarily quenched. Maybe.

We also came back with something VERY exciting (if Goliath wasn't exciting enough for you). Well, just because I love yall, I was determined to snatch up a few of my childhood/baby photo albums and bring them back here to augment my collection of Way Back When-sday photos. I definitely accomplished that, so watch out. But I also, in the course of working on some Top Secret Wedding Tasks, came across an unknown TROVE of treasures on my dad's computer. There were a ton of pictures (taken on his camera) from my wedding rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and wedding day!! Now naturally, I haven't had any shortage of wedding pictures...but I have NEVER seen any pictures from my rehearsal dinner! Since I wasn't snapping them myself...and we didn't have a "real" photographer for the night...I just don't have any. It's like this big hole in my memory. I remember being there, but there is no photographic evidence. Until now!! You better believe I snatched up every last one of those pictures, and I have had so much fun looking through them. They were there?? Who knew! She was wearing what? Haha, not so much that one. But it's like I'm seeing it all through fresh eyes, and it also doesn't hurt that I was looking GOOD that night...since I'm vain, this naturally gets me really excited. while you were probably getting all excited about more baby and toddler pictures of me, now you're probably going to be stuck with four-year-old rehearsal dinner pics. Deal with it.

 So the weekend was all good, but then you come home and life just crashes back down on you. Oh yeah, I still have to work. Oh yeah, that laundry didn't fold itself while we were gone. Oh yeah, every single person I know is still pregnant (or already has a baby), plus a few more GOT (or announced, rather) pregnant in the two freakin days I was gone. Awesome. Oh yeah, I started my period again just so that I can be 100% sure I will not be getting to announce anything fun anytime soon. Oh yeah, I also couldn't sleep all night because the cramps were so horrible...I mean, seriously, God...I get that being pregnant really isn't in the cards for me because I'm probably a terrible person or something, and it's super awesome that I'm surrounded by people who get pregnant merely by breathing, because that way I can never ever forget how miserable I am, but must I ALSO suffer from horrible cramps that keep me up all night so that I can't sleep so that all I can do is focus on my misery?? Because really, that just sucks, and it doesn't make me a very nice or happy person.

I won this book in a blog giveaway a few weeks ago, and it just came in the mail last week.

I started reading it over the weekend and it's pretty good. One section really spoke to me the other day. I thought I would try to absorb it and apply it to my life. I had the chance to do that today, and I failed. Oh well, it was nice trying. The author said, "'unfair' feelings start erupting when others get pregnant, especially if their pregnancy happened easily, without even trying, unmarried, or worse yet-- unwanted. You struggle to congratulate those who have succeeded where you haven't. You tussle with guilt over jealousy. How can you possibly live out the Bible's instructions in 1 Thess. 5:16 and 18 to be joyful always and give thanks in all circumstances? Lord, surely you didn't mean I should be thankful in a circumstance like infertility or watching others live my dream? But God does mean exactly that. Otherwise, bitterness will tear your heart apart, which might be how you feel right now-- torn apart. Resentfulness doesn't bring you a baby, but it could break good relationships and your heart." (emphasis mine)

Since I was just thinking about it this weekend, it hit me extra hard today as I sat around all wrapped up in my resentfulness and jealousy. I wear that crap like a blanket sometimes, and it makes me so angry, but I just don't know how to take it off. Jesus help me.

So that's why I'm blah today. Thanks for letting me vent. I need to stop thinking, now, and go look at cute toddler pictures of myself (and/or hot rehearsal dinner pictures) and my cute doggies. Later gators.


  1. I don't have anything insightful to offer, so I'll just say that I'm sorry you're feeling blah, and I hope the book helps you feel less blah :) Praying for you!

  2. I can't imagine what you're going through Erika... I think about you and your future children often! Sorry we missed you guys- I was totally bummed that I missed your mom's phone call, especially since you were in town. Oh well. BTW, did you know I found the patio furniture on Craigslist? That's right, this deal hopper helped your mom nab that awesome table and chairs (I say that hoping by some random chance they didn't fall apart and have to be replaced).

  3. I feel your pain :( One time I started my period in the middle of the night WHILE dreaming about having finally gotten a positive pregnancy test.

    I don't know that I have been necessarily angry at God, so much as I have been disappointed with Him... which is terrible to admit, but it's true. And then I feel convicted for thinking that way. So it's a vicious cycle.

    Anyway, you know I'm here for you to remind you that you are wonderful and pregnant people are stupid- don't forget it :)


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