The Plan and my messy ball of emotions

Yesterday afternoon was very exciting: when we arrived home from work I found that the Ergo I'd ordered (this one, although I didn't order it from this site) had been delivered! This resulted in an immediate and awkward photo shoot, wherein I proved beyond all shadow of a doubt that I can neither wear properly nor pose un-strangely with the Ergo. Oh well. I've got time to figure it out.

I think it'll look a lot better with a baby in it, personally. Also- it came with a NOVEL. For real. The instruction manual is like 90 pages long!! I have a lot of learning to do, it seems.

The Ergo is a great illustration of how we're kinda failing at sticking to The Plan.

The Plan:  Don't buy (or let other people buy) baby stuff until the 10-day post-placement 'wait period' is over. The only exception to this moratorium is diapers/formula, since those can't be easily borrowed.

It's a good plan. Everyone agrees. The sucky thing about adoption is that it ain't over til it's over. We're elated that we've been chosen. We are so hopeful that we'll be bringing home a baby from the hospital. We try to have faith that we'll get to KEEP the baby. But the thing is- nothing is for certain. Right now we have none of the power and we get to make zero of the choices regarding Baby Girl. And that's fine, because you know what? She isn't our baby yet. She is her mother's baby. And right now her mother is wanting and planning for us to take and raise her baby. And we are so so so so excited about that. But the mother is free to change her mind, too. Up until 10 days after the birth...even if the baby has been with us, in our home for those 10 days...she can change her mind. And so that is a really, really scary thing to think about. Obviously we hope and pray that it won't happen. We look for signs that 'this is really gonna happen' and for the things that make us feel like our situation is 'better' or 'more certain' than the dozens of situations we know about that haven't resulted in a happily-ever-after for the adoptive family. But the truth is that we can't know. We won't know til 10 days after birth. THEN...then...THEN if Baby Girl is still with us, she's ours. Then we know for certain. The adoption won't be finalized, but having her taken from us will be much, much harder than a simple change of mind. 

So in light of the uncertainty ahead of us, we're trying not to fill our house with stuff we'd have to make hard choices about later. We've had a nearly-empty nursery for the four years we've lived in this house. It's a little depressing, but essentially it's a blank room. But if we were to purchase and be given tons of baby stuff and fill up the room with cuteness and plans for our happy family and THEN something goes wrong? It would be awful. Miserable. Would I have to look at the room forever and ever, all that stuff and no baby to use it? Would I try to return the stuff? Return gifts? Oh my gosh. I feel sick thinking about it.

Enter The Plan. We buy nothing now. We borrow everything we need to get us through the wait period. When ten days is over-- GO WILD! We plan our showers. We buy our own carseat, our own clothes...whatever we need. But not now. Now we borrow. Because if something bad happens, borrowed things can be quickly returned. I can go to the movies and when I get back it can all be gone. My heart will be no less broken, but at least I won't have to deal with constant visual reminders. With packing boxes and making decisions. 

The Plan is good. It's solid. Everyone agrees.

We're all failing at follow-through.

The Ergo was half price! That never happens!! I MUST have an Ergo! So I order it. I tell myself that if 'the bad' happens...the Ergo is small and easily packed away. It's one thing. I'll shove it in the closet. Plus, it's not like it's going to expire...(I'm looking at your, expire-able carseats...) I will definitely need and use it someday. So I can justify buying it now. Better half price now than full price later, right?

Our moms see cute baby girl clothes. They can't help it. They need to buy them.

We get a gift. We open it up and hang it in the closet.

Now I find the stroller I really want and it's temporarily $100 off!!! Holy cow!! I need it!! I want it!! But...The Plan. (Also: Even at $100 off, it's still way freakin expensive. Champagne taste, beer budget...story of my life.) This would be a major Plan infraction. Ugh.

We're going to one of the huge (twice-annual) consignment sales after work today. Why? I don't know. We're not supposed to be buying anything. But there isn't going to BE one of these sales going on once we're 'safe.' Buy full-price stuff later, once we know we get to keep it, or buy steeply discounted stuff now and risk being stuck with it (and without a baby) if things go badly? 

UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH.

Adoption is beautiful. It really is. AFTER it's finalized. From here, it's a messy ball of emotions and uncertainty. I am so excited most of the time. But underneath it all is the knowledge that it could be snatched away anytime. I kinda wouldn't wish this on anyone.

We're so thankful that we're not alone. Like, literally. (PS. That word is so over- and mis-used now, I question whether I use it correctly anymore. Annoying.)

Friends of ours from church found out that they were matched with a birthmom THE SAME WEEK WE DID. It is unbelievable. They've been waiting (using an agency) for THREE YEARS. And we get matched in the same week. It is so freaking awesome I can't even comprehend it. Their baby will be coming maybe a month or so after ours. Our babies will probably be best friends, don't you think?

Last night during our small group we had a celebration. We celebrated our God that brings redemption, who has a plan for our good, who loves His children. We cried and cheered as both of us shared our stories, our prayers, and our dreams. We prayed together for our babies, for the babies' moms, for our hearts. I am so thankful for this community. I am so thankful for friends that know exactly the strange combination of fear and excitement we're living in right now. I have no idea what lies ahead-- I hope and hope that it's a smooth road with no bumps that ends with both of us bringing our forever babies home. It's time, right? It has to be. I just wish I could know.

In the meantime, we'll be more or less sticking to The Plan. Maybe.