emotionally unstable, party of 1

In case you were wondering whether preparing and waiting to adopt contributes to mental stability and health, let me be the first to inform you: it does not. 

I spent probably 80% of my waking hours yesterday doing the ugly cry. In direct contrast to the previous week or so, when I spend about 80% of my waking hours being excited and positive and giving little serious thought to the fears lurking in the back of my mind, yesterday I let them absolutely consume me. I let a small thing (our birth mom's phone being unable to receive calls/texts) ignite every last fear and doubt inside me into this huge burning awfulness and it totally wrecked me. Wrecked my day. I was so sure everything was done. Over. That this story would end just like all of our previous moments of hope-- in tears, and with no baby. And who knows, maybe it will. Maybe it won't. At this point, there's no new reasons or evidence suggesting that we are any worse off than we were two days or a week ago...it's just...I don't know. Me. My unstable emotions. Whatever.

Now, in the light of a new day, I'm trying to regain my grasp on hope. On reality. The fact is, both our birth mom AND her counselor both warned/informed me (weeks ago) that her phone situation is tenuous-- it's a prepay for your minutes thing and often she'll run out of minutes and it'll be a few days til she gets the phone turned back on. So like...there is a 100% chance that that's all that happened. It wasn't that I called and she didn't answer or didn't return my message. The number was out of service. So SURELY it is an innocent situation of running out of minutes. It happens. It doesn't mean anyone's changed their minds about anything. Right? And we haven't been in the habit of chatting regularly, so it's not like I was expecting an update or she was expecting me to call. I just randomly decided I wanted to check on her. To reassure me, ya know. HA. A lot of good that did me.  

But based on the evidence (I let a tiny inconvenience trigger an ocean's worth of tears and misery), I'm going to have to conclude that I am way more emotionally involved already than I thought I was. I'd thought I was doing a good job of staying a little detached. Apparently not. I spent the whole day freaking out about how many people I would have to inform "NEVER MIND, NOT HAPPENING THIS TIME, SORRY TO GET YOUR HOPES UP" and how many reminders there were going to be and how is it even possible I could love and miss so terribly this baby that I've never even met? 

Nothing about infertility or adoption is easy or fun. Except maybe when it's over. 

Today's a new day. I'm going to try to keep my wits about me. I'm going to try to convince myself that nothing has changed, that this story will have a happy ending. I'm going to try to rely on faith and not fear. I'm going to try not to cry. 

We'll see how it goes.