Friday, October 4, 2013

emotionally unstable, party of 1

In case you were wondering whether preparing and waiting to adopt contributes to mental stability and health, let me be the first to inform you: it does not. 

I spent probably 80% of my waking hours yesterday doing the ugly cry. In direct contrast to the previous week or so, when I spend about 80% of my waking hours being excited and positive and giving little serious thought to the fears lurking in the back of my mind, yesterday I let them absolutely consume me. I let a small thing (our birth mom's phone being unable to receive calls/texts) ignite every last fear and doubt inside me into this huge burning awfulness and it totally wrecked me. Wrecked my day. I was so sure everything was done. Over. That this story would end just like all of our previous moments of hope-- in tears, and with no baby. And who knows, maybe it will. Maybe it won't. At this point, there's no new reasons or evidence suggesting that we are any worse off than we were two days or a week ago...it's just...I don't know. Me. My unstable emotions. Whatever.

Now, in the light of a new day, I'm trying to regain my grasp on hope. On reality. The fact is, both our birth mom AND her counselor both warned/informed me (weeks ago) that her phone situation is tenuous-- it's a prepay for your minutes thing and often she'll run out of minutes and it'll be a few days til she gets the phone turned back on. So like...there is a 100% chance that that's all that happened. It wasn't that I called and she didn't answer or didn't return my message. The number was out of service. So SURELY it is an innocent situation of running out of minutes. It happens. It doesn't mean anyone's changed their minds about anything. Right? And we haven't been in the habit of chatting regularly, so it's not like I was expecting an update or she was expecting me to call. I just randomly decided I wanted to check on her. To reassure me, ya know. HA. A lot of good that did me.  

But based on the evidence (I let a tiny inconvenience trigger an ocean's worth of tears and misery), I'm going to have to conclude that I am way more emotionally involved already than I thought I was. I'd thought I was doing a good job of staying a little detached. Apparently not. I spent the whole day freaking out about how many people I would have to inform "NEVER MIND, NOT HAPPENING THIS TIME, SORRY TO GET YOUR HOPES UP" and how many reminders there were going to be and how is it even possible I could love and miss so terribly this baby that I've never even met? 

Nothing about infertility or adoption is easy or fun. Except maybe when it's over. 

Today's a new day. I'm going to try to keep my wits about me. I'm going to try to convince myself that nothing has changed, that this story will have a happy ending. I'm going to try to rely on faith and not fear. I'm going to try not to cry. 

We'll see how it goes.

27 comments:

  1. No one can blame you for being a roller coaster of emotions. This is such an exciting time for you guys but just like an infertile who gets her bfp the worry and anxiety never goes away. In a way it is kind of preparing you for motherhood because once you become a mother you can no longer protect your heart because it lives outside of your body. Big hugs!!

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  2. I so wish it could be easier, and I am so sorry it isn't.

    We're holding hope high for you today. Hang in there.

    (((Hugs)))

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  3. Bless your heart. If I had known she didn't answer, I would have done the ugly cry too! But I really think it's the phone situation. So sorry that fear is making itself known right now. It's so weird that something can be the most exciting thing EVER, and yet the scariest thing at the same time.

    Hang in there friend. Praying with you!

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  4. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Trying to protect your heart while being excited and hopeful with no control in the situation! This is where we just hand it to God. I will be praying!

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  5. Bless your heart, Erika. This seems like a 2WW on steroids. :( I will be praying for you. Nothing is worse than fear ... it just lets so many scary thoughts in. I hope this new day brings you some peace.

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  6. I think the rollercoaster of emotions is so understandable in your situation. I hope this new day brings you some happiness! I think a giant thing of chips and queso should be in your future :)

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  7. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you Erika and I do hope that it gets a little easier...today is a new day! Sending nothing but love and positive thoughts your way my friend xoxo

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  8. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 - God is bringing LIFE and the enemy is going to do whatever it takes to attack your mind in this situation! Cling to Jesus and the life that He is blessing you with! Rebuke that dang enemy - he wants to destroy!!!!

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  9. I can't even imagine the depth of the emotions you are facing. Praying for you.

    It's different, but my brother is in a situation where he uses the same type of phone. When I call to check on him and get the "no service" message or he doesn't return a text for several days - I get so worried. Every. Single. Time. it has been b/c he ran out of minutes. It's so difficult to remember in the heat of my emotions though.

    All that to say, I get it. Hugs.

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  10. I'm so sorry yesterday was so hard. Wish I was there to give you a hug! Instead, know that we are covering you with prayer.

    Philippians 4:7 (CEV)
    Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

    Philippians 4:7 (MSG)
    Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

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  11. Nothing super insightful to say - just that I'm praying, along with lots of other people!!

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  12. You're right, nothing about adoption is easy. It makes it a million times harder when your are hanging on this thread for months until your adoption goes through. I will be praying for you and the birth mom.

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  13. I agree with Caroline, I am praying for you all of the time. I'm so sorry you had such a sad kind of day yesterday :( big hugs to you!! I'm sure it's just the cell phone thing.

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  14. This has to be totally normal! I am sure that is how everyone feels in your shoes!! Try to embrace the fact that this excitement comes with uncertainty!

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  15. sending prayers and hugs and lots of queso dip for this weekend!

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  16. If it's any comfort, I think I'm pretty emotionally involved with you. I have literally prayed for you and this sweet baby girl multiple times every day since I read your announcement. Stay strong, love.

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  17. I'm so sorry you had a hard day yesterday. It is totally understandable. I too am praying that it was just a phone issue and that you will be reassured that all is still well.

    I wish I had something more reassuring to offer you but I don't and that sucks.

    I am continually holding out hope for you when you cannot, whatever the reason. And again, I am praying for you, Matt, the birth mother and Baby B every day.

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  18. Oh Erika, I don't even know what to say... except that I know those ugly cries... and I hate that infertility has bestowed those horrible swollen eye filled days upon us! I'm hoping that you're able to speak with the birth mom soon and that all of your worries will subside :)

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  19. I am so sorry, Erika! So so sorry. I had the ugly cry Tuesday night if that helps?! Wish this could be easier for all of us. Praying these next couple months go by very quickly & that the peace of God comforts you like a blanket! xoxo

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  20. Ugh, I'm sorry. This sucks.

    You know, I kind of feel exactly the same way about what's going on over here. I'm trying to stay detached (but I'm not). It really could go either way. And really, I dread telling all the people in my life who are so excited right now that it's all over. That's so crappy.

    You'll be in my prayers. I hope we both get our happy endings.

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  21. I have nothing that can help you, except that you have people all over the country keeping you and Matt in our prayers.
    *hugs*

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  22. Oh Erika I am so sorry. I will say a prayer for you. I think it is impossible to stay detached when you clearly care so much. I hope you will get a call or text soon. Love you! Hugs from Iowa

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  23. I'm sorry that it's been so difficult. Praying for you.

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  24. ditto-ing so many of the above comments.

    Sry yesterday was a tough one.

    Sending prayers sending words.

    The roller coaster of emotions are so normal when you are in the situation you are in.

    Your faith is strong and unabiding. God our Father is there for you. Cling to Him.

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  25. I would have lost my mind long before now. Every girl deserves a good ugly cry. Wishing I could be there to share a Starbucks and buy you some cotton candy.

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  26. Adoption brings out ALL types of emotions, especially those tied with infertility. When one starts to fear the loss of an adopted child it's like all the loss that comes with infertility experiences comes flooding in at full speed, all at once.

    Take it one day at a time. And I agree that faith not fear is a perfect motto. But it's ok to cry. You are human and tears are a normal human emotion so when they need to come out, let em out!

    Praying daily for you guys!!

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  27. So sorry to hear this, Erika! Just when you think the sad tears are over... Have faith and keep your head up! So many people are praying for you!

    Tiffany
    Keithandtiffanymesser.blogspot.com

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