ugh

This blog has totally turned into an emotional roller coaster, and today isn't going to help things. I don't blame you if you want to stop reading now and just check back in January to see how things ended up shaking out. Ugh.

Unlike last Thursday, when I got myself all worked up and freaked out about the adoption for reasons that were completely contrived in my head...today we got some legitimately bad news. Well, late last night- but thankfully I didn't see the email until I woke up this morning. So at least I got to sleep.

The birth father has decided he is not on board with the adoption plan. In a direct contrast to his initial reaction, he is now refusing to sign the surrender papers and telling our lawyers that he wants a DNA test and will contest the adoption if it comes to that. There are a lot of other details, too, but that's basically the gist of it. 

I was plenty worried about the birth mom changing her mind. I totally forgot to worry about the dad changing his. 

Our lawyers aren't sure if this attitude change is real or whether he is just potentially bluffing or trying to 'save face.' They will be working on figuring things out today.

Right now we're waiting to see where this leaves us. She told us what the steps for him will be, but I'm not sure what that means for us in the meantime. However, her repeated use of the phrase "I'm so sorry" leads me to believe that it doesn't really look good for us.

I don't know how to pray. We want this baby so, so, so bad. We love her and want to be her mommy and daddy so much. But at the same time, if her father really does love her and wants to raise her and is prepared to parent...who are we to stop that? Ellison deserves to grow up with a parent(s) that loves her. It could be him- who knows? I really wish it were us, though. So I have no idea where we are, now, but I'm praying for peace and that God's will will be done. Whatever that is. And that whatever it is, our hearts will be at peace.