Thursday, October 10, 2013

ugh

This blog has totally turned into an emotional roller coaster, and today isn't going to help things. I don't blame you if you want to stop reading now and just check back in January to see how things ended up shaking out. Ugh.

Unlike last Thursday, when I got myself all worked up and freaked out about the adoption for reasons that were completely contrived in my head...today we got some legitimately bad news. Well, late last night- but thankfully I didn't see the email until I woke up this morning. So at least I got to sleep.

The birth father has decided he is not on board with the adoption plan. In a direct contrast to his initial reaction, he is now refusing to sign the surrender papers and telling our lawyers that he wants a DNA test and will contest the adoption if it comes to that. There are a lot of other details, too, but that's basically the gist of it. 

I was plenty worried about the birth mom changing her mind. I totally forgot to worry about the dad changing his. 

Our lawyers aren't sure if this attitude change is real or whether he is just potentially bluffing or trying to 'save face.' They will be working on figuring things out today.

Right now we're waiting to see where this leaves us. She told us what the steps for him will be, but I'm not sure what that means for us in the meantime. However, her repeated use of the phrase "I'm so sorry" leads me to believe that it doesn't really look good for us.

I don't know how to pray. We want this baby so, so, so bad. We love her and want to be her mommy and daddy so much. But at the same time, if her father really does love her and wants to raise her and is prepared to parent...who are we to stop that? Ellison deserves to grow up with a parent(s) that loves her. It could be him- who knows? I really wish it were us, though. So I have no idea where we are, now, but I'm praying for peace and that God's will will be done. Whatever that is. And that whatever it is, our hearts will be at peace. 

57 comments:

  1. Oh Erika -- I am praying. I really don't know what else to say...

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  2. Ughhhh. My heart is so sad... I can't fathom how you're doing this morning. I forgot about the dad too... just kind of assumed he was out of the picture or fully on board. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to pray either. I want this baby girl for you and Matt so, so, so much, but you're right, first families should always be our priority (I guess... I think). I guess our prayer is for baby girl, that the Lord would be at work in her life even now. Praying for your heart no matter what. Hugs times a million!

    Text me if you need a coffee break. I can always meet you for a Starbucks!

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  3. Oh, wow. Praying for God's will and thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don't know how to pray.

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  4. Uggghhhhh for real, Erika. Damnit, I'm so sorry. :( It just sucks so bad. I want him to change his mind and know that you and Matt are Ellison's parents. I hate this for you. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It's so unfair; I hope this turns around.

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  5. Hurting and praying with you. I still have hope!

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  6. I hate this, and I hate that there are no words to make it better. My heart is hurting for you. Praying, praying, praying, and holding out hope.

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  7. I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I don't know if you read Adrienne's blog (here's the post - http://www.our-journey-to-parenthood.blogspot.com/2009/06/walking-away.html) but they went through this will their Little Man and he ended up with them in the end. I will be praying for your happy ending, as well a one for Ellison!

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  8. Praying for you. I wish there was more to say. I want this to be your child. The Lord knows how it will turn out. Praying for you to feel the nearness of His presence right now.

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  9. Oh girl. I am praying for you and this situation! I know you guys want to be her parents so badly...its hard to think that that might not happen and I just can't imagine. I am praying the best happens for that little girl and I know you guys would be the best! Praying, praying, praying!

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  10. that is so terrible to hear, my heart hurts for you. he changed his mind once so he can change always it again. i'll be praying for you and for this little girl to still be coming your way.

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  11. Hoping + praying for you guys big time. xo

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  12. Praying for you and Matt right now. Love you girl and am praying for your hearts to be protected by His comfort and love.

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  13. I am so sorry, Erika! I am praying. It's hard not to lose hope, but remember that how you feel isn't an indication of what's going to happen.

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  14. Praying for God's will and God's peace. That's all I know to ask for in moments like this.

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  15. Lord, we lift up this situation to you knowing that you are sovereign in everything. We ask boldly for favor over Erika and Matt. We pray that you would let them be joyful parents to this child as your scripture as commanded us to do. We pray against the enemy and ask that any attacks of fear would be released. We ask that answers would be revealed soon to Erika and Matt and that you would bless them with patience while they wait. We thank you that you have purpose in everything and that you work out everything for our good. Amen Praying!

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  16. Um, no. This is not good. I just really, REALLY want you to have this baby. Thinking you're having a baby and then find out you might not be is just one of the worst feelings in the world. Praying for you...that the best thing for Ellison will happen and that you'll have God's peace through it all.

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  17. oh Erika I don't even know what to say. There are no words. None. Just know that I'm thinking of you and I'm holding you all very close to my heart today. xoxo

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  18. When I heard from you this morning, I also found myself not knowing exactly how to pray, but like that post you wrote recently, I just said a lot of, "Jesus, please..." But I'm thankful we have a God who is bigger than these circumstances, and regardless of the logistics, He will see you through this. Sending you lots of virtual hugs today... and praying, of course.

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  19. Ugh. Definitely no exclamation points for this post. :(

    Thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping that everything works out ...

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  20. Like others have said here I just don't even know the right words but praying so hard that the Lord's will for ya'll is to have sweet Eillison in your home Erika.

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  21. Oh Erika, I'm speechless and really have no idea what to say other than I am thinking of you and praying this all works out. I am so sorry that you have to endure this. Sending you much love me friend. xoxo

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  22. I am so sorry... When I was thinking about adopting from the States, I was worried about the birth father a lot, did you hear about the baby Veronica case? All of this is just so complicated and full of big emotions. I am thinking of you xo

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  23. Thinking of you, praying for you...

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  24. Riding this roller coaster with you...holding on and not letting go. Wishing I could click my heels and make all the stress and heart ache be gone while transporting you to January. xoxo

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  25. praying...hoping...praying! Never apologize for your emotions and feelings we all want to ride the coaster with you.

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  26. Ugh. So sorry that you and Matt are faced with such uncertainty. In my hopefulness (and the fact that I come from an extended family with baby-mama/baby daddy issues [I have some seriously cray-cray aunts and cousins]) I find it hard to believe the dad is really invested in taking Ellison. And, people can hate on me for being blunt and saying this, you and Matt are the best parents she could have. Praying that she will be part of your family.

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  27. I am hoping that power of all your blogger friends/family/friends praying for you that it will result in the best end result. I just don't see anyone else loving Ellison more than you and Matt.

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  28. Oh gosh. Standing with you in prayer.

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  29. As someone else said, we want to hang on the roller coaster with you every second of the ride. We will rejoice and grieve with you whatever the outcome is. Thank you for letting us share this incredible and exhausting journey with you and Matt. You're so strong by now that you can conquer the world!

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  30. We are here with you dear lady! Not sure if you are using a professional adoption agency or not, but I would recommend it. praying : )

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  31. I'm so sorry Erika! Before commenting, I prayed, but I was confused as to how to pray about the situation. I did pray and do fully believe that God will wrap his arms around you, hold you and comfort you regardless of how it all works out.

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  32. Oh, Erika! Praying praying praying! *huugs* I've been praying and am continuing to pray and may God grant you peace as you wait!

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  33. Oh, girl! I'll be praying, early and often. The Lord has a plan always, but that doesn't make the ride easy. You already have such a great attitude, and that is usually 90% of my battle!

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  34. Oh, no! As always, I'm praying with you. Sending all my love your way.

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  35. Oh honey! I am so sorry. I will pray with you that you get to keep her. I know you don't physically have her yet but you do in your heart. Please god let them keep her. XOXOXO big hugs. Deep breaths.

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  36. We will continue to pray for you and Matt. Know we believe you are Ellision's parents. Praying she will be yours to love forever.

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  37. There are no words that I can say that will make you feel better. I just hope you know that so many people are praying that you have a positive outcome, whatever that may be.

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  38. Praying for you!

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  39. Hugs and love and most importantly prayers to you guys! I can't even imagine what you are going through!

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  40. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    I am so so sorry. I hope and pray that what God's will is, you will have strength and faith and love. The adoption process is such a roller coaster. I remember how it was when my parents adopted one of my sisters. The other one, was easy, fortunately, but the 1st sister was full of ups and downs.

    Sending my love and prayers.

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  41. You are in my prayers so much right now! You're right, we cannot understand God's will, we can only hope for the best.

    And no matter what is said here, I'll never stop reading your blog. Sending you the biggest hug right now, friend.

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  42. My heart just broke for you. I am praying.

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  43. Oh Erika, I am so sorry. Praying that Ellison's birth father will come to his senses and realize that you and Matt are the best parents for her. Love and prayers.

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  44. Praying for you and your family. For God's will, for clarity soon, for a peace that surpasses all understanding.

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  45. Oh, Erika!
    What a stressful time for you and Matt . . . .prayers keeping the two of you in my prayers.

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  46. I'm so sorry. . . talk about one emotional roller-coaster. Email me. . . I have had lots of adoption situations present like this initially. . . maybe we can talk through some things (but no pressure, only if you want).

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  47. This is tough. My heart breaks for you guys. You are wise to realize that you just want this baby to be loved and cared for. But I know how much you want to be parents. Hugs! Thinking of you and knowing that it will work out as it should!

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  48. I'm so sorry, hope it will all work out as it should. Hopefully the father is just having a moment of question and that he will realize what loving and wonderful parents you will be to sweet Ellison.

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  49. Praying for you, Matt, and this baby girl who will be so lucky to be your daughter. God's thoughts and ways are higher than ours ... And nothing is impossible for him, either.

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  50. I'm so sorry! Praying for ya'll!

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  51. I read this the day you posted it but couldn't comment from my phone... but just know that you have been on my heart since then, i have prayed for you daily! I firmly believe that guy can change his mind again, i am praying right now that the Lord will give him peace to allow her to be adopted. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But it's not over. Love you. Praying.

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  52. Hugs and so much love coming your way this week. Praying for you guys and for the birth parents. There's no way I'll stop reading your blog between now and January. Here to support and encourage you along the way!
    <3 Jaclyn

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  53. Hmm. While I feel so BADLY for you with this up and then down, especially after having gone through so much already, it also saddens me to read other comments here saying things like "dad needs to come to his senses" and he needs to see you're what is best for this sweet baby. As far as I can tell, nobody here knows this father. I see how you are conflicted about this Erika. On the other hand I can say from personal experience (having adopted family members and family members who have given babies up for adoption) that it is always IDEAL for a baby to have a natural parent. Adoption is, in cases of neglect or willful surrender of a child, of course the next best thing. But if this dad wants his baby girl, we should be happy for her to have a loving father, that she will grow up knowing she was loved and wanted, without the doubts and issues of being adopted, and not make any further assumptions. Adoption should always be about what is best for baby, not about what we WANT for OURSELVES the most. I know you know that Erika, but a couple tones from other comments bothered me.

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  54. I can honestly say I understand exactly what you're feeling!!! My husband and I have waited for our match and very recent we were contacted by a birth mother who wants with all her soul for us to parent her son. The birth father has been on board for the past month and just tonight has started pondering over his decision. This baby is due in 9 weeks and we are on pins and needles at what could or couldn't, will or won't happen. This is the most gut wrenching feeling ever. I do pray that you find comfort in whatever decision the birth mother and father make. It's rough. It's a journey. And I don't think there's anything in the world to prepare us for this...

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  55. UGH. I didn't even think of the father getting involved either. I really hope this works out for you, but the Lord's will be done. You will get through it no matter what happens. You are strong. I really hope things work out.

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