Mother's Day is right around the corner. And for an unexpected and exciting twist this year...I don't really care.
It's true. I keep forgetting it's about to happen and then when I remember and expect the feelings of rage and sadness to overwhelm me like they have every other May for the last six years...they don't. I give it a minute and then just shrug it off and move on with my day. Mother's Day is Sunday. I don't even really care.
I feel like a traitor or something. Like a disgrace to the sisterhood of the infertile. I try to rally up some emotion. This is your sixth infertile Mother's Day!! Oh the injustice!! You lost a baby six months ago! This should be even MORE painful than usual!! And yet...nothing. I'm either remarkably well-adjusted and emotionally mature or I'm completely numb. I'm really not sure which it actually is, so we'll go with the former.
For four years I've skipped church on Mother's Day. My own personal boycott of the holiday, plus a chance to miss out on feeling like I'm the only non-mother in the world. I also feel like my absence makes it easier on everyone else. My church family is compassionate and amazing, but no doubt me not being there saves folks a lot of awkwardness. So that's just my 'thing'. No church on Mother's Day. But this year? I dunno, I think I'll go. Not because I particularly want to make people feel weird by being there, or because I'm dying for pity and attention, but because we've been out of town a lot the past month and I miss my church. And I just can't muster up enough Mother's Day bitterness to make me want to stay home. So maybe I'll just go.
It's just weird. I expected this year's Mother's Day to be the worst. By all accounts, it should be. Another year of infertility topped off with a failed adoption? It's been the most painful, excruciating, tear-filled year of awfulness...a few months ago I was like pre-dreading the dread of Mother's Day. Ha. I figured I'd have to leave the country or something for basically the whole month of mid-May to mid-June to cover both parental holidays. But now here we are, and here I am not caring. Maybe it's because the pain of Mother's Day is so tiny and symbolic compared to our other physical loss. I don't know. I keep trying to probe deep and get to the bottom of this weirdness, but then I figure that maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. It's not like I want to be in more pain and experience extra anger, ha. I should just be thankful for the gift of non-bitterness and move on.
All of that said, I'm no dummy. I will still probably require some lavish gifts from Ulta from Matt in order to make it through Sunday. I can probably drum up a few tears if that's what it takes to get the new Tarte eyeshadow palette. Actually, could that be why I'm doing so well? Could it be that my passion for becoming a mom has been soothed by my enthusiasm for makeup acquisition (which is infinitely easier and cheaper than REs and adoption agencies)? Interesting theory. I have spent a lot more money on makeup in the six months since The Awfulness, so maybe there's something to this. Maybe Ulta should start paying me to set up makeup tables in the waiting rooms of infertility clinics or something! Everybody would benefit.
Anyway, here we are. T-minus three days and I'm still not caring. I think I'll call it a win.
I would just call it a win and spend some more time at Ulta :)
ReplyDeleteI only felt a teeny tiny sliver your pain. This baby wasn't even going to be ours but it was still a disappointment. You are so strong (and emotionally mature)!
ReplyDeleteI am with you sista! I think maybe last year was the year it bothered me the most but I'm pretty sure I'm over it now. I mean of course I am super thankful for my Mom and MIL but it's just not about anything sad for me. Infertiles unite!!
ReplyDeleteI hated Mother's Day before I knew I was infertile because my mom died 8 years ago and it's just a crappy reminder of how my mom isn't here anymore while everyone else writes sweet messages about their mom all over Facebook. I absolutely hated it. But there were years where I felt numb about it too, and you know what - just take it. Who knows, on the day of, it still may hurt or sting (in which case, you definitely need a large Ulta gift). But you also might not care about it, and after everything you've been through, you've earned that (and you should still get a large gift from Ulta in that scenario as well).
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate that MD was painful for you for MULTIPLE reasons! That's not even fair. I do, of course, really like your position on gifts. We are obviously on the same wavelength. ;)
DeleteI know you don't care...which is GREAT, but I'm sending you virtual hugs and flowers anyways, my dear!! ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed girl! I'm dreading Mother's Day more than you I think! I'm STILL not over it! Also I think Ulta booths in RE's offices would be amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteI would do some mad spending at an Ulta booth in one of those offices. Feel better about myself than when I entered? Yes please! Many prayers for a smooth MD. Can't wait to see your new treasures!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to read this! I assumed that this one would be the worst for you for obvious reasons... so glad you're doing well as it approaches. I'm dreading this one like never before. I'm not exactly sure why, as all in all, I'm better (ie more numb) than in years past. Hoping the day is incredibly unworthy of your tears and sorrow!
ReplyDeleteI remember dreading it last year and then it turned out not so bad. It just makes me think of my mom, not really myself. But I do FULLY support an Ulta shopping spree on Sunday. I'm actually taking your advice and switching to Urban Decay eyeshadow primer because it's much cheaper than the brand I was using... so thank you for the advice!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely deserve the splurge at Ulta! I'm glad that you are feeling better about it this year and I hope those feelings continue into the day. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteProps to you for the positive attitude, but also props to you if you melt into a puddle of sadness when the day comes- either one is completely acceptable at this point! Praying for God to continue to give you grace as you keep putting one foot in front of another… but mostly praying that this is your last Mother's Day without a child (or 5) to call your own!
ReplyDeleteAgree & second all that Amanda said here. Prayers continue, friend!
DeleteNot caring this year is so okay. Some years I sobbed but other years I was like, "Meh, who wants pancakes??" I know sometimes I would just get so sick of being sad, and I would be sick of everyone knowing I was sad, because yes, sometimes I was devastated, but then sometimes I wasn't, and everyone thought I should be, and then it was just weird. This Mother's Day for us will be a lot of rejoicing, but it also is super complicated and I did not expect that. There are now like five mothers/grandmothers/mothersinlaw/stepmothers in play, and that is a lot of freaking gifts and cards and trips to the Dollar Store, and to be honest I sort of can't wait for it all just to be over. Sure, it's going to all magical and unicorns, but it's also another event in a sea of events that hasn't stopped since December. The event train is crashing, and we are all going down on it. I love you Erika! And, um, MY CAPTCHA IS DARROW!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBeing okay with MD this year doesn't have to mean that you are saying the whole issue of childlessness is okay. It's not okay, but not feeling devastated this year is something I would embrace.
ReplyDeleteLast year while we were in the trenches of infertility, i must admit, i spent an insane amount of money at Ulta and Sephora and the MAC counter. I seriously just had to channel my energy elsewhere, and if i wasn't going to be pregnant and glowing, i was definitely going to be gorgeous in any other way! LOL, so more power to you! Check out the new Too Faced Chocolate Bar palette, that's on my wish list!
ReplyDeleteI am really so happy for you that you don't care this year! Haha! I mean, i just am! That's so much better than really caring & having a really sad horrible terrible day of sadness, ya know? I hope that if you go to church you continue to NOT CARE! ;) Obviously you will care for others, care about the moms you love, etc, but i hope there is no grief or sadness tomorrow, i pray if you do end up going to church that you will feel nothing but peace & joy!!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, since the miscarriage, though there are moments of grief that just kind of slap me in the face, there are also long stretches of being okay. Just okay. Like, when my RE told me we had to wait two full cycles after m/c to try again, i was kind of bummed because i didn't want to wait that long. But the wait has been so good, good enough to not send me into panic mode about maybe making the break a little longer. I'm just at peace & not having to think about it as much has been kind of a relief. And i mean - i don't mean i never think about babies - it's pretty much all i think about - but the ability to also enjoy life & not be at the RE office every other day has been nice! I like it! And i've been at peace & "not caring" that i'm not having another IUI this month! If that makes sense!
This is my third mother's day through infertility (can't really count the first year ttc since we'd been trying for about 1 month on mother's day!), but my first to not attend church. I don't know if that's because it's my first mother's day after a miscarriage or if it's because it's my first mother's day after "going public" (i know i've blogged about it but i didn't let the whole world know via FB until this year), OR if it's just that 3 years is just my limit, but i'm not going. BUT i'm not sitting home moping either! Brad is taking me to breakfast (early to hopefully beat most of the moms!) & then going SHOPPING! I seriously think i might make an ULTA stop (first time for me) in your honor! ;)