Ummm...I feel like that is really small. Screenshots, you are failing me. Sorry if this causes you to squint and get new crows' feet.
Anyway. Dawn raised an interesting question: is it okay to refer to women (we'll limit this discussion to women for now) experiencing infertility as 'infertiles'? Is this a phrase that should only be used if you are infertile yourself? Is it okay, like Dawn asked, for a non-infertile person to call an infertile person 'an infertile'?? I thought this was a really good question.
My knee-jerk answer was don't worry about it. I totally did not notice that she'd used the term in her previous email, so I certainly wasn't offended. I mean, I use the word myself all the time, both to describe myself and also my group of infertile friends as a whole. But to be honest, I really have never given it a whole lot of thought one way or another. I gave it about two minutes of thought before I responded to Dawn. In that amount of time, although my overall feeling is still that it isn't a big deal and most people probably wouldn't be offended, I did start thinking about the issue in terms of people-first language.
If you're not interested in reading the Wiki, I'll summarize: people-first language is basically what it sounds like. It means intentionally using language that emphasizes a person's personhood and de-emphasizes an (often negative, or negatively stereotyped) identifying characteristic about the person. For example, saying child with autism instead of autistic child...it's a little more positive and humanizing, you see? They're a child first. Additionally, they have autism. So anyway. People-first language is often emphasized in disability etiquette. (But also, there are a lot of criticisms about it. Surprisingly, not everyone agrees about everything!)
So looking through a 'people-first language' lens makes me think that referring to a group of women as 'infertiles' is probably...not great. We are women experiencing infertility, yes. But should we reduce our entire identities to our disease? Probably not. I'd like to think that there's more to me than my inability to have children.
But even saying that...do I feel hurt or lesser-than if someone (or myself!) calls me 'an infertile'? No. I think it's kind of funny, really. Tongue in cheek. I mean, even though I use the phrase myself, I'm pretty sure I only use it to describe friends (with infertility!) that I know well. I wouldn't call a stranger in the RE office an infertile. It's a little...casual...or something...for that. And if I were addressing Congress about healthcare coverage for infertility, I would probably go with the lengthier-and-less-cute women experiencing infertility. But in casual conversation? I don't really have a problem with it.
(Maybe this is the same as calling band nerds 'band nerds'? I was one of those, too. We totally all called each other band nerds. And our close (but non-band-member) friends could also lovingly refer to us as band nerds. But if a random stranger were to mockingly call us band nerds...well, those were fighting words. Except for band nerds don't fight, but whatever. We would definitely go hide in the band room and make fun of you.)
After Dawn and I discussed it for a bit, I decided that this is really a topic for the masses. I can only speak for me. I don't really call if you call me 'an infertile.' But maybe other women experiencing infertility feel differently. I don't want to pretend to speak on behalf of everyone. So I told Dawn I'd open up the floor for discussion.
What's your opinion on this? We'd love to hear from you, particularly if you're a woman experiencing infertility. Or if you aren't experiencing infertility but you have friends that are- would you feel comfortable referring to them as an infertile? Or if you have some strong opinions (that you can express nicely!) about person-first language. Or a funny haiku. Anything goes! So. The round table is open...do share!
Interesting question. . . I am all about first person language, especially now that I have a child with special needs/a disability. Does Clara have a genetic disease? Yes. But like you said she is a child first and foremost. That said, I don't really get offended when people say something that might be considered a little "off" by others. Ya know? I just try to politely educate by using a different term during that same conversation. Some people will ask something like "Will Clara ever function normally?" Well. . . I prefer the word typical instead of normal. So I will respond with "We are not sure if Clara will ever function like a typical child her age, but. . . "
ReplyDeleteOk sorry for that novel response. Ha!
I think that's such a kind and healthy way to respond-- use the preferred term, but without shaming the other person. Love it!
DeleteSuch an interesting round table discussion here... I don't care at all. My infertility isn't an insult, so calling me infertile doesn't offend me in the least. Infertile is obviously intended to be an adjective, but we're cute and we made it a noun... kind of a colloquialism. But "infertiles" is obviously not a real word, so I wouldn't recommend petitioning members of Congress with that one! I will say that I tend to notice the phrase more when someone who ISN'T infertile says it. So if say, my mom, calls my friends "infertiles"... it just sounds odd coming out of her mouth. Do I care? No. Am I insulted? No. But it just sounds weird. If you and I say it in conversation, it would be just regular conversation, so maybe there is something to be said for being "in" the circle.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely laugh if my mom said it. That's funny.
DeleteThanks so much for posting this question, Erika. I am interested in what your readers have to say!!
ReplyDeleteI've been sitting here
ReplyDeleteFor twenty-five minutes now
This is all I've got
(not a lot)
As someone who has not experienced infertility I would not use the term "infertile" that way. I talk about "friends who are experiencing infertility." Maybe it's an in-term as you suggested.
PS. Sorry that my haiku is neither funny nor conforming to the rules :)
All attempts at haiku are appreciated and inherently funny, so you win!! :)
DeleteMy opinion: I don't like to say someone is an "infertile" because (to me) it almost implies a permanent state. To say "a women experiencing infertility" implies that the situation can change. HOPE is so, so critical, and even slight verbiage like this is important to me!!
ReplyDeleteThat's a really good point!! That will definitely make me think twice before tossing around 'infertiles' as though it's a permanent and hopeless situation!!
DeleteI think I'm with Jennie here. I don't like the permanence of it. I always refer to these friends as "friends who are struggling to get pregnant." "Fertile" or "infertile" sounds a little too clinical for my vocab anyway.
DeleteI don't use it as a noun, usually a verb.
ReplyDeleteAgreed on the comment above about not liking the permanence of the term! And even when I used it as an adjective, I preferred "fertility-challenged" or "sub-fertile" as it doesn't imply that I was absolutely incapable of being fertile :)
ReplyDeleteI am with Natasha on this. As someone who has not experienced infertility, it feels insensitive for me to use that term as a noun, or may even sound a little derogatory, because it could be seen as an "othering" use of the word (I the fertile vs Them the infertile). As an outsider, I don't feel I have the right to use it in the way someone going through it would. I am the daughter of a couple that would have been labeled as "infertiles" 30+ years ago, when they tried for 7 years to have children and were told it would never be possible. Even now, 3 kids and 5 grandkids later, I think it would be almost hurtful to say to my mom, "When you were an infertile..." You know?
ReplyDeleteIt also, to me, takes the personhood away, and that bothers me. For example, my best friend has a daughter who is on the severe side of the autism spectrum. She will always be autistic, even if to some degree she overcomes the challenges she is facing. That being said, I'd never say, This is my friend, Sarah, and this is her daughter, Natalie, an "autistic." Because that makes Natalie seem like more of a "thing" and less of a person. Does that make sense?
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Sorry for the rambling answer...
This is such an interesting question! I remember the first time I used this kind of language on my blog, my Mom didn't like it. Sometimes us bloggers talk about "fertiles" and "infertiles" and my Mom just felt uncomfortable with the us vs. them of it, if that makes sense. I can totally see where she is coming from. Since then, I have just tried to avoid those words altogether.
ReplyDeleteAfter thinking about this for I bit, I don't care for the term either. I agree with the posters who talk about the permanence of the term and the way it reduces people to a label. Also, infertility has so many causes and is often a couples disease. There could be either or both male and female factors involved. Unless you know the whole story, you could be offending someone who doesn't consider themselves infertile, they are just in an infertile relationship. Is this making any sense? Personally, I don't really consider myself or my spouse infertile. We are fertility challenged. We have dealt with the challenge for thirteen years and have been very blessed through ivf. Also, Jennie talked about the importance of hope. Hope is huge. During the past thirteen years we have been blessed with three singleton daughters through ivf and now after thirteen years we are currently expecting number four, a surprise natural conception. Do not give up the last shred of hope.
ReplyDeleteOk now I feel like I have to add something here. I hope the above comment didn't come across as a big bummer of a look at all the babies I had bomb. I wanted to give people hope. I don't think I will really ever get over the struggle of infertility even though we do have children. The stress and heartbreak of the years of trying and hoping is unforgettable. And I am still crazy jealous of people who get pregnant without trying or get pregnant whenever they want to, I am jealous of the control they have over that part of their lives. We had several years of trying and diagnostic testing before being told that we could try iui but is wasn't going to work. We did try four cycles of iui, all failures, because insurance covered them. Then we moved up to ivf where we had a success. Then we thought ok that was a miracle! A few years later we jumped in again for ivf two. And a few years after that an fet for number three. But in between all that I kept hope I would conceive naturally. Every period for years was a hope buster. And then surprise surprise thirteen years after we started trying for number one a bfp. I about passed out. And no, I didn't have a rendezvous with the postman!
DeleteHahaha I love your "look at all the babies I have bomb"-- too funny!! But I didn't at all take it that way! I think there is a lot of truth in both of your comments, and I'm super encouraged by your four babies! I can't even imagine what a happy shock this #4 is!! Many congrats. I totally agree with what you are saying about potentially mislabeling someone who may not personally be the partner with fertility issues. That was us for a number of years when we thought we only had MFI...I felt weird calling myself infertile. I shouldn't have felt so weird though, because as it turns out, I am equally at fault. It just took longer to diagnose, ha! :) Thank you so much for sharing your story!
DeleteI love this post and your responses! I definitely don't get offended if someone says "infertile", but it has really only come from me or my fellow "infertiles". Haha. It would be strange for someone else to say it! Most say "going through/struggling with/dealing with/experiencing" infertility. Those are better. I mentioned this on my blog so you may have seen it but i once had someone use the old "just relax" phrase with me, and in educating her (ha), i said, "that's not really true when you're an infertile, it's actually a medical condition" & she freaked out and said, 'Oh. You're INFERTILE?!!?!" So yeah. People think that means something permanent. Even though the definition itself doesn't say that! Just that it's someone who has been trying over a year without success (or 6 months if over 35). Anyway. I feel i wouldn't have received that reaction from her if i had said "it's a little different when you are going through infertility". You know? Just sounds different, i guess!
ReplyDeleteBut i definitely don't get offended hearing the term!
My acupuncturist would always correct me when I said I was infertile. He always chose to use the word sub-fertile.... I've continued using infertile but often think about him and how his mind worked- very interesting and somewhat reassuring as well!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way Jennie does.
ReplyDeleteAs someone is not infertile while I was reading the email I felt a sting. As though I needed to fight for you and I don't even know you other than lurking your blog for only God knows how long lol. Anyway, to me it sounds almost derogatory. My aunt was infertile for 9 years and through IVF she got pregnant with her daughter and less than 3 months later she became pregnant again with their second daughter; Irish twins.
So I, like Jennie^, prefer to speak in first person language because 'infertiles' has a sense of permanency and I prefer to hope that that isn't the case.
*who
DeleteI have never really thought about this before. I don't think I have ever called myself infertile or anyone else for that matter. ( I don't believe I have, correct me if I am a wrong and have done so in my blog. haha) I guess because, like others have said, it makes it sound like something permanent and I for sure don't want that to be the case!
ReplyDeleteInteresting discussion! It works both ways...while I don't like the permanence of the word infertility, I think the word needs to try to capture the struggles and shy away from the whole..."if we'd just relax we'd get pregnant mentality." It is a tough call.
ReplyDeleteI hate to be called infertile - I never like to hear it applied to myself or my husband - but I feel the word could use some more explanation in our society. People hear infertile and they just assume - no kids for them. I wish more people understood the struggle of being infertile . . . it seems like no one really cares about it unless it's happening to them or someone close to them.
ReplyDeleteGreat discussion.