Monday, September 15, 2014

dedicated

  Yesterday morning was Camilla's dedication at church. I cannot even tell you how long I've been waiting for this day. Oh wait, yes I can: almost six years. It's so surreal to finally experience the thing you've been waiting for. It's been happening over and over again for the past six weeks, and yesterday was no exception.

Our church is rather non-traditional, I suppose, so our dedication experience may be different than what you'd associate with a typical baby dedication/baptism/christening. For starters, we went with a clearance-rack white dress from Target...no fancy gowns. That's not a rule or anything, we just don't have any family heirloom gowns floating around and I didn't see any reason to spend tons of money on a fancy dress just for the heck of it. I'd rather buy more jeggings and moccasins. ;) Obviously I am a failure of a parent because I don't even have any good close-ups of Millie in the dress. Luckily, it's the same dress she wore for our photo shoot last week, so you'll get to see it eventually.

We start by going up to the front.

Contemplating the massive importance of this day...and lamenting that my former biceps have melted into a pile of fat. Wah.
Kyle, our pastor, talks for a few minutes. There are tears. 



Then he opens up the floor for anyone in the church who has anything they want to share- encouragement, blessings, prayers, etc. This may seem weird, but my church has been praying for us and for this baby for six years. Lots of people have lots of things (and tears) to share. Thankfully, our parents videoed everything- one day Millie will be able to watch and hear how many people love her and have been praying for her and for us. I hope she will love it.


I took this opportunity to weep and make faces like this. Don't you wish you'd been there?
After everyone had shared, Kyle prayed for us and for Camilla. I could be wrong, but I think there was more crying involved.


And then it was done. But not really, because I haven't told you the most exciting part.

Not only did a whole slew of folks from my family and Matt's family come out, but a lot of Camilla's biological family were there as well. Back in August, before we'd been released from the hospital, one of J's grandmothers had asked if we were going to have Camilla baptized, and if we were, would it be okay if she came to watch and support us? I was floored and honored and told her that nothing would make us happier. So when the dedication was scheduled, I let her know. She asked if it would be okay to invite some other family members; we said absolutely. Word spread quickly around the family, and yesterday there were NINE amazing folks from Millie's birth family-- including J!!!-- there at church to support her and us. 

I was blown away. I mean, I knew they were coming, but still. Blown away. 

Because this is how they have been from the beginning-- 100% supportive of J, 100% supportive of us. Overflowing and abundant in their love for all of us. They came and they loved us and they held Millie and they exclaimed over her cute nose, her red eyebrows, her adorable moccasins. They told us how thankful they are for us, how often they think of us, how excited they were to be able to support her on this important day. We hugged and we cried and when people shared words of encouragement during the service, J shared. She told us again how thankful she was for us. Can you see why I can't stop crying?? Oh, and they don't live in town, by the way. J rode overnight on a bus to be there that morning.

There very well may have never been a child so loved by so many.

I am so thankful and encouraged that this is Millie's heritage. That she will know and be known and loved by all of us? Unbelievable. I never even dared to hope that we would be in an open situation this positive. This is redemption beyond my wildest dreams.

So yes, yesterday was amazing, unbelievable, breathtaking, tearjerking- pick your adjective. I waited for this day all of these years, and I didn't even know what I was waiting for. I never could have imagined it would be what it was- my greatest hopes fell far short of the reality that we experienced. 

A year and a half ago I wrote about the locusts. I had no idea what my redemption would look like- I only prayed it would come. I felt this peace inside that one day, redemption would come. And then, over the next few months...well, it was the opposite of redemption. It was the misery of the previous four years amplified by like fifty. Thousand. But somewhere deep inside, a tiny piece of my heart clung to the hope that He would restore the years that the locusts had stolen. 

And now I'm living in that redemption, and sometimes I'm so overwhelmed I can't even breathe. He has restored the years that the locusts had stolen. 

The paradox of this new phase of my life is funny, in a way. Really, it's all about Millie. Anyone will tell you that being the parent of a newborn isn't all about you. But in a way, having my life be all about her for now...well, it restores me. When I change her diaper, my soul rejoices. When she cries for 20 minutes and I have no idea why, but I do the best I can to comfort her...a part of my broken heart is healed. When she smiles at me (completely unintentionally, probably because she has gas), the tears of months past are replaced with happier memories. When the biological family of my daughter hug me and thank me for loving and parenting the baby we all love...I can't even describe it. It's too beautiful and my heart explodes. This is redemption.

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. 

Psalm 103:1-5 (emphasis mine)

46 comments:

  1. Wow. Amazing. There are no words for what you just wrote and experienced!

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  2. Beautiful, Erika! I love the verse from Psalms and that you had so much support on Sunday.

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  3. So beautiful, I can hardly stand it! Can't wait to meet her!

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  4. Beautiful! It's not about the dress it's about everything else that you just described. Sounds like the perfect day!

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  5. I can only imagine how beautiful and moving it was to stand there as people showed their love for you and your little girl. How sweet and truly amazing. She is loved by so many!

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  6. Amazing. I'm in tears. This is redemption, indeed.

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  7. Oh my goodness, that's so amazing that Millie's biological family came for her dedication! My heart is full for you and for that sweet baby who is going to know so much love throughout her life. God is good!

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  8. Absolutely fantastic. :) This brought me to tears...

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  9. You are beautiful, your words are amazing, Matt is so strong, J and her family are a blessing, Millie is a precious child...this list goes on and on. Thank you for sharing the most intimate time of your life with us.
    Many hugs and kisses to Millsie!!!

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  10. Oh, Erika. This is INCREDIBLE! I just can't even find the words here. As if I didn't think your (and Millie's) story wasn't beautiful enough...sheesh! Cue the tears!

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  11. Sigh, just sigh. Happy tears over here!!

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  12. Oh my goodness, UGLY cry all over my desk... like people can hear me sniffling but I just can't stop. I love this so much I can hardly breathe!

    What an INCREDIBLE dedication service. I love that everything is so personal and I love that your church family was able to celebrate with you... what an incredibly joyous day and what a gift to have a video for Millie of all of that love poured out on her. SO BEAUTIFUL! So much love and hope and promise all in one day!

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  13. Oh my goodness, stop it. This story is too good! How very, truly, wonderful.

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  14. There just really aren't words....just beautiful and a huge blessing all around. :)

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  15. Wow, that's so amazing! What a lucky girl to be so loved !

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  16. So beautiful. What an incredible story of redemption - so above and beyond (isn't that always His way?! Beyond what we dare dream.). Thank you for sharing.

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  17. I can't even imagine the tears in church because of how many tears are falling from me as I am just READING this. SO MUCH LOVE, this precious baby girl is such a blessing. All babies are special and miracles, but..well...your baby and your story just seem extra special if you ask me. :)

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  18. Uhm..WOW. Speechless. Speechless with tears and smiles and a faith in humanity restored.

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  19. This is just...beautiful. No words, just tears and goosebumps and praises to God that can't even be verbalized. What a story this precious baby has.

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  20. And all God's people said, "Amen!" So happy for you that this is officially official now - Camilla is one lucky gal.

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  21. Agreeing with all the other comments, such a beautiful occasion and leaves me speechless and tremendously happy for your family!!!!

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  22. So so happy for you, Erica. So happy. I cried reading this. My husband and I can't wait to experience this kind of joy. The way that you have shared your experience has done so much to help us keep moving forward with faith and gratitude. SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

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  23. Wow, what a story… and I would say what an ending to a story, but this is only the beginning! And clearly a very wonderful beginning indeed!

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  24. This post brought me to tears, so incredibly special. Thank you for sharing your story!

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  25. This is the most beautiful story EVER! I am amazed & speechless!!! :)

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  26. How amazing. I have tears reading this at 5:30am!! Millie is beyond blessed to have such amazing family support - from all sides. You are right my friend. God has redeemed the years the locust stolen. Praise Him.

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  27. Oh my goodness, this post made me cry. Such a touching, special Sunday and memory for Millie's entire family.

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  28. crying at work now. i wish i had been able to see the dedication part of the service.

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  29. *tears* This is so beautiful. I am SO happy for you guys and for the relationship you have with J and her family. Camilla is an amazingly loved little girl!

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  30. This post is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. So happy for you!

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  31. I have to say that I have been following your blog for a good long while, and just love it. I sometimes stop following people closely once they have their babies, because I am still in that childless struggle. But there is something about your blog that makes me just feel SO HAPPY for you-I am able to get out of my own self-absorbed and self-pitying shell and truly just feel pure glee for your baby joy. This post especially was amazing and so wonderful, and I'm not even the tiniest bit religious! It really just shows that you were meant to be the mom of this little girl...I will keep reading and loving your blog!

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  32. I can't stop crying. Seriously cannot. This is the most beautiful post you've ever written. I remember reading your locust post and sobbing for you, and now I am so glad to sob for you again, only this time with happy tears. Just reading that "J" shared with the group is enough to make me dissolve. That relationship sounds so beautiful, and it's a relationship we hope to have with M's birthmother someday. I am so happy for you, my dear friend.

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  33. I love this. So beautiful! Ugly cry over here!! :)

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  34. I LOVE this! I am so happy to see you both be able to share such a special moment with your loved ones including some of her bio family. And this is a message I need to hear right now. Thank you for sharing!

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  35. This may just be my favorite post of yours... EVER! xo

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  36. love love. My whole body has chills right now. This post is SUCH a beautiful testimony of God's faithfulness. Everything about it. The community that surrounded you. The family. The birth family and their support. Such a sweet and special day. Praise Jesus!

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  37. So beautiful, Erika. I am so happy for you. What a testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness! Man, Millie is a blessed little girl. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  38. I have shared this story with so many people, because this is one of the most beautiful stories of redemption that I have ever heard. So much rejoicing!!!

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  39. I'm behind the times, but I was watching youtube videos of Jimmy Fallon reading #UnhappyCamper, and, whose is the first one the read? Yours! Nice.

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  40. I think I love your church.
    One of the immense blessings to come out of the experience of infertility that so many of us have experienced is how utterly and completely our miracle babies are loved and rejoiced. Every parent loves their child, surely, but I am amazed by the sense of "homecoming" that I have when I am with my son. Your writing of redemption and restoration resonates so strongly.
    I've written before about a song that was my "theme song" for my road to baby. I was reminded of it when you wrote about stolen years. These are a few lyrics from "Cassidy" by the Grateful Dead (guilty hippie :) about a young girl.
    "Come wash the nighttime clean,
    Come grow this scorched ground green,
    Blow the horn, tap the tambourine
    Close the gap of the dark years in between
    You and me, Millie..." (Ok, I changed the name)

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  41. Beautiful post Erika. You have me in tears. Praise be to Jesus! Who else could orchestrate such a miracle in your life? Every detail is jaw-dropping...that the birth family is so supportive, that people donated all that breastmilk (I read that post, in tears, and meant to comment but never got around to it). So thrilling to read all about this experience.

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  42. reading this right before i go to work was a bad idea because now i'm crying big happy tears as well! I am so happy at how everything has turned out and that you continue to be blessed. The fact that the birth family is so supportive is amazing, this is one loved little girl. I am so happy for you guys, God is good and I'm so thankful that this story has such a happy outcome.

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  43. Oh my goodness, this post made my heart smile BIG. I looooove that Millie's birth family was there! Uh, yeah, I would have been a mess of tears, too. I know just what you mean, too - the pain is never, ever forgotten, but somehow these little miracles are our redemption. They make it all OK. You perfectly express what I've been feeling!

    What a blessed and loved little baby. Gah. It's so beautiful.

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  44. Considering how much I cried reading this post, I can't imagine the tears that were flowing in your church. And how amazingly awesome that J came too. That was such a gift to you and Matt and so brave of her.

    Also, thank you for your lighthearted captions in the midst of the post because they helped me laugh through the really happy tears.

    And another also, it is sooooo good to cry happy tears while reading your blog after all the sad tears I have cried with you.

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  45. This comment is way more than "a day late" however I feel compelled to say. God is Great! and your post reinforces HIS greatness.

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