Monday, November 21, 2011

another sad rant about infertility

Actually, I'm pretty sure I don't even have enough energy to rant. I only have enough to manage being sad.

Twenty miles is the distance between my school and my home. Twenty miles is a long way to drive on-the-verge-of-tears. It's a long time to keep it together.

I wonder if I could count the number of times I've kept it together for 19.75 miles and then collapsed in a heap on my driveway, unable to finish driving into the garage.

I kinda want to start a different blog, a totally anonymous one, so that I can freely tell about all the insanely insensitive things people say and do and not have to worry about them reading it and getting their feelings hurt.

Comments I actually heard today that caused me to breakdown at work (this from a girl who found out last week she was pregnant on their first month trying): Yeah, it wasn't really a surprise. I mean, we're 26...it's a good time to get pregnant. We definitely wanted to have kids before we were really old...like 30...don't wanna be like...Gramps is having a baby!!

My reaction to that paragraph (in my head, of course...and now here...): Yep, we started when we were 26 too. The day I TURNED 26, actually, which was a horrible decision in retrospect. It was a great time to start trying. How sad that despite that, there is probably zero chance that I will have a baby before I'm 30. Actually, there's probably zero chance I will have a baby EVER. So thanks and GET THE EFF OUT OF MY OFFICE. I can't CRY when there are people in here.

Note: I'm not actually mad or bitter at the girl who's pregnant. I don't think she has any idea about my situation, and I don't expect everyone in the world to walk on pins and needles JUST IN CASE they might be offending someone. This is just an example of normal conversations (that stab me in the gut) I find myself overhearing far too often. 

I keep trying to think of things I'm thankful for this year. I think the main thing I'm thankful for is that I haven't actually gone insane and stabbed anyone or myself. Because then I would be in jail or in a mental institution and that is possibly the only thing that would be worse than being stuck in an elementary school/church/life full of fertile people.

Although I am thankful for crafting. It's been the high point in an otherwise low-filled year.

Today Matt got a special tea from his acupuncturist. Apparently (I haven't seen him/it yet) it comes with a veritable BOOK of instructions regarding how to brew/mix/store/warm-up/drink it. First of all, nothing can be done with a Teflon pot. And after the 3-hour-mixing/brewing procedure is done, you have to store it (in the fridge, I presume) and then drink it every day with breakfast and dinner. Only it has to be hot to drink, but you CAN'T USE THE MICROWAVE to heat it up...only your non-Teflon pot on the stove. I'm surprised we can even use the stove. I bet when I read the 'book,' I'll find the part where it says you actually have to warm it up over an open fire. And then I will go hunt down the person who invented this stupid tea and warm HIM up over an open fire.

Also, I am getting sick of seeing acupuncture appear 281839 times a month on my credit card bill. We're gonna have to cut off that money leak soon.

But back to this tea-- I can't wait to see the list of ingredients and Google them to see what they are. Another IF blogger did this once (the tea was for herself and apparently stunk to high heavens when she made it, which prompted her to wonder what was actually IN it)...guess what was in the tea??? SQUIRREL POOP. Yes. You read it right. Squirrel poop. So I don't know if that's what's in Matt's, but we're calling it Squirrel Poop Tea anyway just for kicks.

I haven't written my story yet. I am too intimidated and will probably punk out and not do it. Someone else should do it for me. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

This is my third holiday season of TTC. The first two seasons I mostly thought "this will surely be our last kid-free Thanksgiving/birthday/Christmas...next year we will certainly have a kid or be pregnant!!" and I was all optimistic and BS. This year I am under no such delusions. This year I'm like...yep, just another year without kids or hopes of kids...just like last year and the year before, and just like next year and the next year and the next year are probably gonna be too! Get used to it, buck-o! Just think of all the money you're saving not buying plastic junk...which is dumb, because all savings there are completely negated by the money wasted on IF treatment.

Gosh, I am SUCH a ray of sunshine! It's a wonder more people don't want to be my friend! Just look at all this hopeful optimism and faith!!

Nope. Fresh out of that here. Try back some other time.

Goodbye and sorry if I offended you. 

18 comments:

  1. I am soo sorry to hear about your day!!! I wish that people were more considerate!!! Message me back

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  2. Ugh, I am sorry times a million that you are feeling like this today (and many other days out of the year). It suck and I HATE IT :( Leaving you with a verse...

    "'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'" - John 14:27

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  3. when you stop talking about it, I'll worry.

    I keep you and Matt in my thoughts, even if it's that you just have a good day.

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  4. It breaks my heart every time you write an entry like this. You are HIGH on my prayer list, Erika.

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  5. I know far too many mommys-in-waiting who can relate to your post and I know too many women who take motherhood for granted. I get quite annoyed with miserable pregnant ladies complaining about their minor ailments... both my sister and best friend would consider morning sickness a blessing. Don't lose faith, you're not alone and thanks for your honesty.

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  6. I worry a lot about saying things or having an attitude that is hurtful to you. I know you know that I would never MEAN to hurt you, but I also know that sometimes I'm prone to complain or even take for granted what I have, and I'm sorry for that. Being your friend and knowing what you're going through reminds me to be more grateful. Love you, friend.

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  7. if I could, I would buy you a baby. just so you know..I would..if I could. SO if I happen to win the lottery, or come into a bunch of unexpected inheritance money, just expect a round of IVF, coming right up! You can hold me to that.

    love you. praying.

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  8. Boo. This makes me sad :( I know you aren't a phone-talker, but if you ever want to cry/vent incoherently in the phone on your drive home, please know that I'm always here!

    And also, because I'm your BFF, I am choosing to think positively that 2012 WILL be our year, and that this time next year, we will be annoying infertile couples everywhere by posting pictures of our babies with Santa and blogging about their latest bowel movements.

    Love you and am praying for you always!!

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  9. Oh, and I'm with Allison. IT SUCK!

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  10. Erika I don't know you but I think what you're going through totally sucks a big one. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  11. The song "in the Quiet" is on repeat in my head while reading this post! I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to face what you and Matt are facing and I know my words will never be enough... that sorry isn't enough or won't fix it... but "I'm thinking and praying for you" sounded so contrite without some other things with it. Praying that you'll find the Quiet.

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  12. This is our second holiday season with no kid/no pregnancy and it ALWAYS comes up at family functions. Ugh. And yesterday one of the pregos at work asked ME to change the big water jug thing on the water dispenser because she is pregnant and can't do it anymore...when there were 2 strong men closer (this is the one who likes to remind people that she is pregnant and I am not). I have my first IF appointment tonight! Praying for you and Matt! P.S. I want to know more about the squirrel poop tea!

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  13. Praying for you, friend. It's so sad when women take pregnancies for granted and don't see them as the miracle of life that they are because they haven't had to go through the waiting time. You don't know how many people you have encouraged and helped already, even through your struggles. This time is not only strengthening you, but it is blessing others in this same journey. God is getting glory and will be THAT much more glorified when He does bless you with a baby. He loves you more than you know and is hurting with you. Here's a verse that recently brought me comfort.

    Is. 30:18: Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

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  14. I hate when women take being pregnant for granted. Or having a baby. It makes me mad, and I'm not even dealing with infertility. You certainly don't owe any apologies!

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  15. I have so been there. Have SO been there, even in my own car. Enough said. I totally love your blog, by the way!

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  16. I came across your blog today, so I've been reading quite a few of your posts about infertility (loooved the letter you wrote to new moms as a guest blogger; you totally nailed it). Wow, I have to say you are a breath of fresh air! I sincerely appreciate your honesty when it comes to the pure hell that is infertility. It's just nice to know that I'm not the only one--I mean, I know I'm not the only one--but my emotions very similarly relate to yours. Thank you for sharing.

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