Wednesday, November 2, 2011

making lemonade and all that

Seriously yall, I have NOTHING uplifting to talk about...only in the last 30 seconds has something remotely humorous occurred, which is why I will now write an entire whiny blog and consider it 'redeemed' by one moderately humorous (to women) episode at the end. 

That is part one of your requisite forewarning. Part two is right now: The following blog will contain way too much personal information of the female body/infertility variety. Boys (if there are any boys reading...) may not want to proceed.

Let's list all the crappy stuff that's happened to me in the recent past.

1. Last Friday.

2. Fertility Friend being a total tease and getting my hopes ALL UP that this month might be "the month." Saturday morning they had me at "triphasic chart detected!" which caused me (and Amanda, let's be honest) to subsequently spend the next 72 hours carefully hyperanalyzing every single temperature, sign, twinge, symptom, and thought. Caution was thrown to the wind as I peed on sticks and practiced writing our childrens' monograms. I dared to hope! I scoped out maternity clothes! This was going to be the month! I thought of cute plays on the phrase 'trick or treat' to use to announce our pregnancy! I planned a trip to Augusta for next weekend so that we could tell my family!

3. Oh, and then I started my period. So instead of Nov. 1 being the best day of my life, it was just another Tuesday morning spent bawling my eyes out in bed, hating life.

4. Tuesday evening when we got home and fetched the mail, there was a water bill for over $450. Nice, right?? OK, this is pretty liberal putting it on my "list of really crappy things" because really it's more funny than anything else. We received a similar bill last summer and as soon as we called the water office, they came and re-read the meter and knocked off, ya know, the extra $425. Matt called them about it this morning and I just received a voicemail letting me know that OOPS, we actually only owe $28.23. Since I don't have a pen handy, I'm writing it here so that I don't forget. (Take-home lesson here? Don't let them auto-draft your water bill!!! So glad we don't, or that could kind of be a nightmare...) 

OK, back to things that actually REALLY DO SUCK in my life:

5. Today, while at work, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. Does this seem like a recurring theme in my life? Maybe. This is my 6th one in about 5 may want to review last year's blogs about the November episode (what's WITH you, November?) and the one that happened the day my sister got married. Today's was just garden-variety excruciating pain, made worse by the fact that Matt and I had carpooled to work and HE HAD THE CAR, so I was stuck there until he could get over to pick me up and drive me (20 long, painful miles) home. I'll spare you from further whining about how much pain I'm in. I will let my friend Aunt Lulu do the talking, in the form of an excerpt from a comment she left on my cyst-blog last November: "I can say with honor that I have been there too sister. I had my appendix rupture and go gangrenous and never had as much pain as a cyst bursting. "

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Now how, you are wondering, am I going to make lemonade out of all these rotten lemons I've been thrown this week?

Here's how. Since I'm at home on the couch, writing in pain, I'm gonna ask my beloved husband to do my dirty work for me. And by "dirty work," I obviously mean "go to the store and pick up some tampons."

TMI ahead!!!! Warning! Warning!

He calls me when he gets there to get the specifics. "Umm...ok, so I'm in the...ya know... aisle."

me: "ok, are there any on sale?"

him: "yeah, I think they're all on sale."

me: " ones? Which brand?"

him: "uhhh...Playtex...Kotex...Tampax..."

me: (thinking) why are they never all on sale when I go look?..."um, well...just get the kind with the plastic...and super. They're usually green."

him: "ummm...okaaay...well...this kind says [and here he commences with reading all the descriptions on the boxes]"

me: laughing because I bet people can hear him reading all the tampon boxes on the phone. "uhhh...maybe not that me another one!"

him: very dutifully, "such and such features Powerful Barrier against Leaks!"

me: "ohhh, that sounds much are they?"

him: "$6.99 for 36"

me: "ohh, that's a little steep...keep looking!"

him: continues reading me boxes, figuring out price-per-tampon values, and generally being an adorable husband in the tampon aisle at Target

me: smiling and laughing, this is the best thing that's happened to me all day. "Pick whichever ones you like, baby, I don't really care...just keep enjoying yourself there!!"

Shortly thereafter he arrives home, bearing not only the requested item, but a generous amount of discounted Halloween candy. My knight in shining armor. 

He just now looks over and sees me laughing as I blog. "What are you writing about?? Me going to get you tampons????!!!!"


"but whhyyyyy??"

Because it's the best part of my day so far, that's why. I'm making lemonade when I can.


  1. BOO HISS. You'd better eat every single piece of candy he brought you before the end of the week. Sorry friend :(

  2. I probably just sounded like an insensitive jerk, didn't I? I just keep visualizing Matt in the tampon aisle- ha! You deserve some comedic relief like that today :)

    And just do you know, my word verification for this comment is "dingster." Nice.

  3. Hilarious episode in the tampon aisle. Fertility Friend always sucked for me and never showed the magical triphasic chart. Still charting...

  4. I'm not sure if I've ever commented before so Hello!

    This post made me laugh.

  5. I Googled "triphasic chart" while reading this and learned something new today. That means I learned why exactly that would cause you to be hopeful, so I'm really sad about that for you. :(

  6. I am with the Blogivers! BOOO HISS and that stinks majorly. Enjoy that candy. I cracked up when reading about the search for the tampons. I agree cysts bursting are awful. Do they know what is causing you to keep getting them? Like Jessica I had no idea what triphasic charting was. After reading I was like oh...I have heard of that just never the term-so I feel I learned something from reading your blog. Praying for you.

  7. The tampon story has me laughing! I am in the same boat as you, (TMI warning) af arrived for me today as well. I've never had an ovarian cyst rupture, but my sister did and went to the emergency room because it was so terribly painful (and she didn't know what it was and that she just had to survive the horribleness). Hope you feel better!

  8. Ha! I love it! I feel like I can make a happy comment rather than a sad one since I was semi-in the trenches with you for the crappy parts. But then again, knowing you were heartbroken made me heartbroken too, so I suppose it's too soon to move on. Regardless, Matt and his tampon/candy fetching made me smile :)

  9. Tampon buying--the test of a true man!

  10. For someone who claimed to have nothing humorous to write about, you sure did write a funny post! Except for the crappy parts, but you know what I mean.

  11. Thanks for the blog love!

    God willing the candy will make you better in a jiffy!

    Best part is that today is a new day and I'm hoping you have enough candy to get you through it.

  12. Yay for making lemonade! It's hard to do, but I'm so very glad you did!


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