sizing up the competition

Last night was the first Bachelor "special" of the season-- a behind-the-scenes look at Juan Pablo's life and a chance to learn a little about the casting process for the ladies. And we met some of the ladies.

And...wow. A "special" indeed. A special, eye-opening experience. 

Now, just so we're clear: here's who's mocking the gorgeous ladies competing for Juan Pablo's heart on the Bachelor.

It's me. A girl who seriously got out of bed this morning and made a conscious decision to wear her husband's cast-off flannel shirt to work. Like, actually thought that seemed like a good fashion choice. So take my opinion for what it's worth: probably not much. 

But...ladies, ladies, ladies. Some of you clearly need help making good choices, too. Not so much in fashion-- you all seem to have that down pat. Without exception, they are 25 (or 27? They kept going back and forth. I guess I could go count on ABC's webpage, but who has time for that?) gooooorgeous and well-dressed (if a bit revealingly dressed) women. So I can't stand on my throne of judgment and scorn their beauty choices. If anything, I should take notes. And put down the Cheetos while doing so.

BUT. After the show, I decided to research our lovely competitors. And by "research," I don't mean any kind of creepy internet-stalking...although I suppose if this bronchitis keeps dragging on much longer, I may have time for that. I just mean I went to ABC's webpage and read each of their network-published biographies. These bios, based on my scientific analysis of the grammar and writing styles of each biography, were clearly provided by the contestants themselves and not edited much/at all by the minions typing them up for the webpage. All that to say-- YOU provided this information for all the world to read. This is how YOU chose to present yourself. And some people made some questionable decisions. That's all.

My biggest initial snap judgments were dedicated to the two girls who decided to head a little off the beaten path for their 'occupation' answers. Know what 98% of the bachelorettes listed for their occupations? Um...an occupation. First Grade Teacher. Legal Assistant. Nursing Home Owner (I'm intrigued!). Mineral Coordinator (huh?). So pardon me, but when I see THIS? I have to mock you a little.

You wanna tell them, or should I? Being a "free spirit," Lucy...it's not an occupation. You are probably too much of a free spirit to even understand this societal construct of 'occupation,' but trust me: that isn't one. And here's the thing-- I THINK YOU HAVE A JOB! Because on the show last night, Chris Harrison showed up in person to inform you that you'd been chosen to be on the show! And you know where he showed up to tell you about it? AT YOUR JOB! It was a store, and you were behind a counter and appeared to be working there. A cute little boutique that sells funky, free spirit-y clothes? That place you probably hang out 40 hours a week or so? THAT is your occupation, dearie. So next time someone asks you what your occupation is, maybe instead of trying to be all cutesy and creative, you just say "I work at a boutique" or "I own a store" or whatever the case may be. Or maybe I was mistaken and you don't work there, maybe you were just shopping and you actually don't have a job? That's okay too. Just say so. Or make up something that sounds more legit than FREE SPIRIT. If I recall, last season we had a girl or two claiming to be 'entrepreneur' and 'small business owner.' And then based on the other evidence we gathered about their home lives, it was pretty easy to see that they were probably overstating things a bit with those titles- actually they just shilled MLM products out of the back of their Civics, but you know, whatever! At least they didn't say free spirit.

And you, Kelly? Dog lover? I have no words. I'm a dog lover, too. It doesn't pay the (vet) bills. Try again. I wanted to root for you, since your hometown is only an hour away from where I live. But I just don't know. Dog Lover as occupation AND you couldn't master the grammar of "an hour & 1/2"? I'm just not sure if we're gonna work out.

What's worse is that most of the things in their bios I'm going to forget. Once we see/meet all the girls on the show, I'll immediately forget all of this and start mixing them up. It takes weeks to figure out who's who. I'll never remember who wanted to take matches to the desert island with them and whose favorite movie is The Notebook (oh, nevermind, yes I will-- IT'S ALL OF THEM) and whose idea of a perfect date is a long walk on the beach (DITTO). But the occupation thing? It's how they'll identify the girls all season. 

Source

Exhibit A, from the not-so-ancient past. You see, ladies, for the entire season, whenever you're (solo) on screen, you'll get a little identifier thing. Your name. Age. Sometimes your hometown. And your occupation. That's all we get to remember you by. OOOHHH yeah-- that's the Ashley that's a personal trainer! Now I remember. So you really should have picked wisely. It's not going to be easy for us to forget that you chose FREE SPIRIT as your occupation. (And maybe that was the point? Because-- it won't be easy to forget. So maybe if you were going for 'memorable and quirky' over 'truthful' or 'logical,' you made the right choice.) But I just think they should know: really it's just serving to make them stand out in my mind as The Ones to Laugh At.

And now we should probably segue this into an intelligent discussion about how really, it's dumb that we identify people by their occupations. I mean, if I were going on a show, I'd think it's dumb to have program administrator under my name. Does that really define me as a person? Sure, it's what I do from 9-5. But it isn't really who I am. By that token, dog lover and free spirit are probably a lot closer to the mark. They probably say a lot more about who they are as people than 'retail salesperson' does. But the fact remains: it says occupation. So be a rule follower like me and fill out the stupid blank. 

Anyway!! Looking forward to a great (haha) season of laughs. And I think that watching The Bachelor is just the thing I'll need to make sure I keep up with my gym schedule. Dang. In actuality, all of those girls could just have hottie under their names and call it a day. How are there really that many gorgeous girls in one place at one time and the world doesn't explode? Mysteries.