waiting, hoping, heartbeating

Our appointment yesterday went great! Haha. "Our." Like I did anything besides sit there and cry when I heard the heartbeat. 

I'm not taking anything for granted in this process. There are no guarantees. I'm trying not to read 'signs' into anything. As best I can, I'm taking it day by day and enjoying each experience as it comes. I try not to get fixated on the future or what my life might be like come August and September. I'm not imagining a baby under the Christmas tree (although I did indulge in 10 minutes of planning-Halloween-costumes-for-three fantasy yesterday). I'm not assuming this story will end with my idea of happily every after. 

But I'm thankful for each happy day. For the hope that springs from another joyful meeting with J and her mom. For a healthy baby and her healthy mama. For the way she proudly introduced us to her doctor as 'the baby's adoptive parents.' For the nurse that rushed to her office and returned carrying a framed photo of a man-- the son that she adopted 22 years ago, the 'best thing she ever did.' For the way that J asked the doctor if they could please print out copies of all of the ultrasound pictures for us to keep- and the fact that they did.

I'm thankful for the warmth and affection that J and her mom and other relatives have shown Matt and I, for how they have welcomed us into their family with grace and open arms. If we do end up adopting J's baby, we will be bound together as family for the rest of our days. It will certainly not be easy; I'm not naive. But I hope that the foundation that we're laying now will help us as we navigate the future. And if J decides to parent...I think that these months of spending time together will help make that easier for me. Because I've seen the love and respect and strength in her family-- they respect and support her current decision to place her baby for adoption. I have no doubt that they would also respect and support her if she chooses to parent. Either way, the baby will grow up surrounded in love...and that's really all we can hope for, right? 

At any rate, it was a quick and successful appointment. No ultrasounds, but the beautiful sound of her heartbeat was more than enough to bring Matt and I to tears. J was measured and weighed and questioned and declared to be perfectly healthy, and that's all great news.

And now we wait some more. People keep asking if the waiting is hard, if the time is dragging. Not really, to tell you the truth. We've been waiting for a baby for nearly six years. Another month is nothing. I'm a pro at killing time, at watching the weeks go by. And for now, I have something really exciting to look forward to. And a lot of blobby alien pictures to look at. I'm gonna be just fine.