Tuesday, July 8, 2014

waiting, hoping, heartbeating

Our appointment yesterday went great! Haha. "Our." Like I did anything besides sit there and cry when I heard the heartbeat. 

I'm not taking anything for granted in this process. There are no guarantees. I'm trying not to read 'signs' into anything. As best I can, I'm taking it day by day and enjoying each experience as it comes. I try not to get fixated on the future or what my life might be like come August and September. I'm not imagining a baby under the Christmas tree (although I did indulge in 10 minutes of planning-Halloween-costumes-for-three fantasy yesterday). I'm not assuming this story will end with my idea of happily every after. 

But I'm thankful for each happy day. For the hope that springs from another joyful meeting with J and her mom. For a healthy baby and her healthy mama. For the way she proudly introduced us to her doctor as 'the baby's adoptive parents.' For the nurse that rushed to her office and returned carrying a framed photo of a man-- the son that she adopted 22 years ago, the 'best thing she ever did.' For the way that J asked the doctor if they could please print out copies of all of the ultrasound pictures for us to keep- and the fact that they did.

I'm thankful for the warmth and affection that J and her mom and other relatives have shown Matt and I, for how they have welcomed us into their family with grace and open arms. If we do end up adopting J's baby, we will be bound together as family for the rest of our days. It will certainly not be easy; I'm not naive. But I hope that the foundation that we're laying now will help us as we navigate the future. And if J decides to parent...I think that these months of spending time together will help make that easier for me. Because I've seen the love and respect and strength in her family-- they respect and support her current decision to place her baby for adoption. I have no doubt that they would also respect and support her if she chooses to parent. Either way, the baby will grow up surrounded in love...and that's really all we can hope for, right? 

At any rate, it was a quick and successful appointment. No ultrasounds, but the beautiful sound of her heartbeat was more than enough to bring Matt and I to tears. J was measured and weighed and questioned and declared to be perfectly healthy, and that's all great news.

And now we wait some more. People keep asking if the waiting is hard, if the time is dragging. Not really, to tell you the truth. We've been waiting for a baby for nearly six years. Another month is nothing. I'm a pro at killing time, at watching the weeks go by. And for now, I have something really exciting to look forward to. And a lot of blobby alien pictures to look at. I'm gonna be just fine.


45 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness... THAT photo! Matt is going to be the BEST dad! This little girl is blessed to be so loved from the very start. And WOW how you two have matured: "I think that these months of spending time together will help make that easier for me." The fact that you're even able to articulate that sentence is amazing. I'd be so bitter and broken after everything you've been through, maturity would NOT be the word used to describe me... you're doing GREAT! I'm hoping SO SO SO hard that your life is FOREVER changed in the next few weeks, that J would trust you and Matt with her precious daughter, and that you have the BEST three person Halloween costume the world has ever seen! Love you, friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with Amanda here. . . You are going into this adoption with so much wisdom and maturity. So proud of you! Praying as always that your long awaited prayers will be answered this August!! Hugs!

      Delete
  2. Okay, I don't think I can express it better than Amanda did. Plus, that photo of Matt made me cry. Oh my word...

    ReplyDelete
  3. So awesome! Did they give you any indication of how soon? At 36 weeks, she could really come any time now!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tears in my eyes! I love you! Praying every day!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Erika - SO good to hear an update! I was thinking of you this morning and was curious where y'all were with things! Believing with you that this baby is yours!!! Keep us updated when you can (or secretly email if you can't post - haha)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yea! I'm glad that it went well. And that these few months/weeks have been so positive. I have to agree with Amanda - your outlook and reflections are nothing short of amazing and a true testament to you and your faith. I am praying FERVENTLY that the next few weeks - and beyond - lead to this baby in yours and Matt's arms.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is just wonderful news!!! All of this is just beautiful Erika :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so excited for you and your husband. This such a beautiful post of hope and I can't wait to see what the next few months brings of you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is beautiful, friend. Just beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you for sharing such a precious, special moment! Andrew and I are crying happy tears today for you. And it's nice to cry the happy ones for a change! Love you and can't wait to see your Halloween costumes!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, friend, this brings me to tears! My heart swells for you and Matt, and I remain hopeful that you may soon be bringing your baby home, that J will choose you guys to know, love and raise this beautiful child. I'm so proud of your strength throughout the past year and wish only the very best for all involved in this incredible journey!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for sharing such a sweet journey for you two! I am so happy to hear everyone is healthy and I am believing that this is your baby! YAY

    ReplyDelete
  13. The first comment basically took the words right out of my mouth. This little girl is so lucky to have such strong women in her life. I hope with all of my heart that you're able to plan your Halloween costumes!

    ReplyDelete
  14. What more could a child wish for than to be brought into the world so very loved? I am hoping and praying for you guys and trying to practice the same zen attitude that you have displayed. When my little boy was born I described myself as having been pregnant for 3 years - 9 months for the actual gestation and the rest for the time we were dreaming, crying and trying like crazy to get this kid on board. You, my dear, have had a 6 year pregnancy. You're right, what's another month? Hanging on your every word...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, Erika. This makes me cry happy tears. Sitting right here hoping and praying and waiting, too! Love you guys! What a special appointment for all of you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know I don't know you except through your writing, but you should be proud of yourself. To be able to enter into this process again with the knowledge that "Either way, the baby will grow up surrounded in love...and that's really all we can hope for, right?" is incredible and full of grace. Grace that I'm not sure I could muster should I have to. This baby is so lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wishing we were more than internet friends because I'm impressed by your strength, and resilience. You'd be getting the biggest high five and hug from me IRL! I'm in awe of you, that's all!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Praying for that little blobby alien and for you to continue keeping such a great perspective, though I know it can't be easy!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Eeek! Erika you and Matt are going to be amazing parents!

    ReplyDelete
  21. So hopeful for you! So far 2014 has been working out pretty well for me, and I pray that it will for you too! I deal with a lot of parents, and I am getting pretty good at picking out the great from the ehh. You two will be some of the best, hopefully sooner than later! This is all just soooooo exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  22. You sound like you are in such a good place mentally in regards to this adoption. I know that can't be easy. I will be praying for you all :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh Erika. How exciting is this?!?! Yayyyy!! Love the photo of Matt. Is the baby a girl? Somehow I missed that, how exciting how exciting how exciting! I know you have to protect your heart after everything you went through before, but I will gladly be super excited for y'all!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am so excited for you and am praying that this baby becomes part of your family!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I've continued fervently praying although I've been quiet in the comments section. I am so proud of you and SO DANG EXCITED!!!!! We continue to pray for you. Lots of love from our family to yours.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm just going to ditto what my sister said :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I can't even take it how much I love this post! Your perspective in all this is an extremely mature one.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Amazing post. I can see how God continues to grow and change you. You are so strong and wise my dear. Love you and praying for this journey. Sorry it has to be treaded with caution, but excited to see the outcomes and someday to see God's redemption in your story. Love you and Mattie!

    ReplyDelete
  29. This post and your perspective just makes me smile! Praying for you and Matt and keeping you guys in my thoughts!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh how I just love this post more than anything!! Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wonderful, wonderful news, Erika. You have great perspective mixed with hope. What I've learned is that even if it hurts….everything seems to happen the way it is supposed to. Hope to see this baby girl in your arms soon.

    ReplyDelete
  32. So thrilled for you! Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with J and her family. Open adoptions are SO amazing and beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sooo glad it went well! (This post showed up in my bloglovin' feed after the last one...?) praying for you guys in this exciting yet uncertain time!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Such a sweet post! Glad you had a great appointment yesterday... aren't alien blobs the best? I was praying for you this weekend as I was silently cringing through the fireworks neighbors were shooting off way late into the night and I thought, "I sure hope Matt and Erika get to complain about the fireworks waking their baby up next year!" :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. i am hoping really hard for you guys!!!

    ReplyDelete
  36. There is no better sound in the world than that little baby heartbeat. I swear, I'm going to record it and listen to it on loop on my iPod. I know exactly what you mean! So, so beautiful.

    Also, that pic of Matt is priceless. :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. So happy for you, Lots of prayers for your family!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Look at you and your awesome positivity! (is that word??) Anyway, I'd gladly trade and give you two weeks time and take your month. And 'blobby alien'.... love it.

    ReplyDelete
  39. You amaze me, plain and simple.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I love everything about this post. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  41. you are such a strong and wonderful woman. I am continuing to pray that this situation ends in the best way possible and you get to share your lovely three person halloween costumes with us in October. :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. You empower us all in so many ways

    ReplyDelete
  43. I'm so glad you shared an update! Prayers and positive thoughts only!

    ReplyDelete

I love comments almost as much as I love Mexican food. Seriously.