april: 2009 vs. 2012

I was looking back through pictures, seeing if anything would inspire a Way Back When-sday post today. That's when I happened upon April 2009 (because I organize my photos by year/month). The pictures started dredging up some old memories, so I cross-referenced with my blogs from April 2009. And then I very quickly realized-- even though so far this April is pretty lame (hemorrhagic cyst and a week of bedrest, anyone? Fourth consecutive April of wanting and not having a baby? Pick your reason that this April is lame)...it definitely kicks April '09's ass.

Because in April '09, we were buying a house. This house, actually. And it was terrible. And it reminds me of why I'm SO GLAD I BLOG HONESTLY: so that I don't remember things incorrectly and make stupid mistakes, like thinking about ever moving and buying another house. I had almost forgotten how awful homebuying was. My memory has started to gloss over the stress and the agony of it all, and I just have a vague remembrance of signing lots of forms and then owning a house that needed a LOT of work to become habitable. I had almost forgotten the misery of it all.  

And misery it was. In April 2009, I was stressed. I was over it. And I was being stalked by people in San Antonio.

And so even though April 2012 hasn't really been anything worth writing home about so far, I am now simply content to know that it could be way worse. It could still be April 2009. Or something like it. And it's also nice sitting here knowing that it worked out. The stresses of April '09? They resolved. We got the house. It all got figured out. And so what seemed like a hot and never-ending mess in 2009 has now faded to a dim memory a mere 3 years later, as I lay in the house I fought for and stressed over. And somehow this gives me hope that one day I will be able to look back at all of this-- the struggles of this day/era-- and maybe the pain will have faded, the struggles will all be counted as 'worth it', and I'll be thankful for old pictures and blogs to remind me of what I've come through. Because right now I can't really imagine a time where the sadness and hurt of infertility won't permeate every minute of every day. But back then, I felt the same way about buying a house. And even though it's not the same thing...it still gives me hope. 

And now I'm about to go REALLY cheesy on you and drop a QUOTE out-- but seriously, I don't even have to look this one up. It's a quote my friend James (husband of Kristina) used to say/write all the time, and he wrote it on the mat of our engagement photo that people signed at our rehearsal dinner, which is hanging on the wall of my room...so I read it frequently. The quote comes from The Shawshank Redemption, and I'm not bothering to go look it up, so if I'm slightly off then you'll just have to forgive me.

Hope is a good thing, maybe one of the best things. And no good thing ever dies.