for the love of excel

Last night, while chatting with some friends, I discovered that there are two kinds of people in the world.

Actually, scratch that. Any time you make some blanket “two kinds of people” statement, what you’re really meaning is that there are three kinds of people. People A and People B (your original “two kinds”)…and then the People who couldn’t care less about A, B, or anything having to do with A or B. People who are completely apathetic about A and B, and actually, as soon as anyone starts talking about A and B, these people will probably zone out and/or leave. So see ya later, those people. Haters gonna hate.

So back to my original story. There are two types of people in the world: People who love Excel spreadsheets and people who don’t. Obviously I am in the right camp of People, as a girl who truly-madly-deeply loves her some Excel. Last night I happened to be in the company of several other ladies who harbor similar nerd-love, and we spent a glorious 15 or 20 minutes reveling in our joint passion for spreadsheets, while our non-Excel-loving friends rolled their eyes and baffled that anyone could ever like—much less love—such a dry, uninspired program. It was lots of fun being in the company of like-minded spreadsheet-lovers, and it gave me a few minutes to reflect on the marvel of Excel.

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I blame it on my dad. That man has such a deep and abiding love for Excel (and such a vast and unending storehouse of spreadsheets that organized every last detail of our lives) that I had no choice but to embrace the spreadsheet from an early age. I’ll admit that in high school and early college, my Excel useage was not very enthusiastic—I mean, there’s nothing flashy or sexy about a bunch of little rectangles and numbers. But as the years went by and I found myself not only embracing my dad’s myriad spreadsheets but creating my own to suit my personal organizational needs, I had to admit: Dad was right. Excel does make the world (or at least my world) a better place. A more organized place. A more easily-sorted place. And so I have no shame in admitting that I now have and use spreadsheets to govern almost every aspect of my life.

At work, I have a bit of a reputation for being an Excel nazi. That is—I tend to yell at people doing dumb things like organizing their data or making an inventory in Word. And then I rip it out of their hands and redo the entire thing into Excel—why?? Because it is better, people. Work smarter, not harder—and if you type up a long list of data with a million categories and variables into Word and then suddenly decide you’d like to look at and analyze it not in alphabetical-by-last-name-order as you had it, but by birthdate? Or neighborhood? Or you want to highlight in yellow all of the DLLs? YOU’RE SCREWED. Have fun working all night. Shoulda done it in Excel. Lucky for you—I probably already did, so I’ll send you a copy. Maybe.

And lest you think spreadsheets are any less useful in your home—well, they are not. If you could see my budgeting/bank account spreadsheets, you would weep. They are a thing of beauty and majesty (not the bottom lines, of course. We’re po’. But the organization of it all!). My annual Christmas card spreadsheets? Perfection. Easily sorted and analyzed, in case you were curious about which state I send the most cards to…or who I got a card back from. Need me to add a bunch of things up? I will always, always do it in Excel—just type it all in, highlight and sum it, and you’re done! Worried you maybe miss-typed a number or two? Simply look back through it all and double check, without having to re-type the entire thing like you would on a calculator. Truly, Excel makes the world a better place.

And so this is my heartfelt and completely lame tribute to one of my favorite things. Spending just a few nerdy moments last night with girlfriends basking in our shared Excel-love made me feel so happy and so connected, I just had to spill it all out here. I mean, what if there are more of us out there? More closeted spreadsheet-freaks, not knowing that there are others just like them out there? That would be tragic! So I tell you—come out and reveal yourself here. It’s safe. You will find company and people of a like mind. We can email each other our favorite spreadsheets and frolic in the nerdiness together. Together, we will make the world a more (drumroll, please!) Excel-lent place.