in the background

It surprised me a few weeks ago, after I posted my little infertility re-cap for the infertility blog hop thingie, how many of you were surprised to know (or find out) that we are currently pursuing adoption. I guess I thought it was common blog-knowledge, but then I thought about it and realized that if you haven't been around for quite awhile (and/or you haven't gone back and obsessively read my entire archives...ummm...and what kind of blog stalker does that make you??! Embarrassing...)...then I guess it makes sense. Despite having my little 'adoption' category (with a measly 12 posts lumped in it, most of them really having nothing to do with us personally), it's not something I've really discussed here much since January of 2012, when I published my three-part treatise (seriously, not an exaggeration) about the topic (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). 

So I figured a little 'what's up with the adoption thing?' recap might be in order.

We are pursuing and hoping for a private/independent adoption. That means we're not using an agency, which is why everything about our situation is low-key. There aren't loads of paperwork, meetings with social workers, or hoops to jump through. We haven't paid anyone anything (except a few lawyers for a few consultations). We are hoping to use our personal connections (and/or a miracle) in order to find the situation that will eventually lead to the baby that will become our own. If that sounds overly simplistic...well, I did simplify a lot. But it is pretty low-key at this point. Once we have met the birthmother that wants to place her baby with us, then things will follow the more typical lawyers-paperwork-hoop-jumping-money-spending trajectory you probably associate with adoption. But until that day comes, we're doing the legwork on our own.

So how's that going for ya? you may be wondering. Because surely there's a reason people tend to use agencies and systems and big complicated legal machines for the process, right? If it were really this easy, wouldn't everyone be going this route? (Sorry, can't really answer the second two questions there. I just wanted to throw them out there and leave you hanging.)

It's going very well.

Obviously we don't have a baby in our house (YET!), so we can't say it's a huge sparkly ball of success. But all in all, the last 18 months or so that we've been actively pursuing adoption have led us feeling very encouraged. (Please contrast that with the last 18 months (or 4.5 years) of pursuing pregnancy, which have left us feeling NOT ENCOURAGED...luckily these two just about balance out to leave us feeling excitedly neutral.)

We have had five legitimate opportunities arise since March of 2012. Five times we've been contacted about a situation (ranging from women still pregnant to babies up to about 3 months old looking for placement) that could result in adoption. Only one of those situations has come through Dr. X...the rest from a variety of friends/family members/blog readers/strangers who heard about us. You might call it weird. I call it thank God that He hasn't forgotten us. I don't care who thinks of us, dreams about us, or heard from their grandma's friend's hairdresser's cousin that we are interested in adoption. As long as they hear and can get in touch with me...I'm happy. 

Happy, even though none of these promising situations have resulted in us becoming parents? Yes. Happy still. Happy because for us, so far, the system is working. We've gotten more calls about more babies than a lot of people I know who have lingered on adoption agency waiting lists for years and years. Even though none of our situations have panned out yet (although two of them are still possibilities, I suppose...or at least we do not know for sure that they are NO yet), we just feel excited and encouraged that one of these days, one of these random phone calls just may pan out with us becoming parents at the end.

So why haven't any of them worked so far? In most cases, we never really know. Because there are usually so many degrees of separation between us and whoever has the baby, we honestly just normally stop hearing things and...that's that. Our typical situation has been something along the lines of I will get a call from an acquaintance, who heard from her mom (who knows about us) that her mom's friend's niece is pregnant or has a baby that she is no longer able to care for and might we be interested in adopting him (I say him because ALL OF THEM have been boys thus far)? We say YES! Please give her our info (we have an adoption webpage--NOT this blog)! And so then my friend has to call her mom who has to call her friend who has to call her niece...and sometimes that's as far as it goes. We get excited for a few days, and then when we don't hear anything...well, it's really hard to get more information. It's not like I can just call up the birthmom. And I hate bugging people. So oftentimes the trail just goes cold. I can only imagine that there are multiple "us"es (prospective adoptive families) that have also gotten this call, and maybe one of them was chosen? Or maybe the birthmother chose to parent the baby after all. Or maybe a grandmother decided to parent. I have no idea. BUT-- I think it's because many of the situations are so far removed like that...it's not all that emotionally sad. We don't get our hopes up too high unless we start hearing back feedback or questions from the potential birthfamily (which has happened). These are by no stretch of the imagination 'failed adoptions' or anything that horrible...these were just leads that the trail went cold on, and that's okay. Only once did we actually travel to another city to potentially meet the mother and baby in the hospital and then find out upon arrival that a family member had decided to parent. That made me cry, but still. We'd only KNOWN about the situation for like 18 hours...it wasn't like a 'match' I'd been preparing and getting excited for for 7 months or something. We never saw or held the baby. And so...it was okay.

So we've had five of these things (and another 3 prior to December of 2012, when we weren't even sure we actually wanted to pursue adoption!!...but these situations still found their ways to us)...and with 3 of them all occurring within the last 4 months, it is safe to say that I feel more excited and expectant than ever. God knows we want a baby. And now, somehow, through word of mouth, the hardcore networking of my mom, and this very blog...other people know, too. And they call, or email, and they think of us when they hear about a baby that needs a family. And one of these days, it's going to work. One of those calls will result in another call...the one that says "we want to meet you." And then one of these days, one of those meetings will result in me having to call my wonderful lawyer and tell her that it's time. We need to start the paperwork.   

I know...you thought I shared everything on the blog. Who knew I had this whole secret life going on in the background?!! It's not really that it's a secret, it's just that I actually am rather private, and I think that part of the reason these five no-dice situations have been so easy emotionally is because so few people know when they're happening. The less people that know, the less people that inquire (no doubt with the best of intentions, don't get me wrong) about 'how's that situation going?' and the less times I have to recount that it didn't work out, or we haven't heard anything. And that means that I can keep my emotions under control. Which is nice. And even more, I have to remember that these 'situations' are not mine. Not yet. These are real women and men with real babies, and their stories are not mine to spread willy-nilly. And so I desperately hope that one day, one of these babies will become mine and join my story and then I can overshare to my heart's content...but until then, I will respect other people's right to privacy, I suppose. 

So there you have it. Another super long treatise. :) I guess there's just no short answer for 'how is your adoption process going?'...if we were using an agency, I might be able to give some sort of answer about where we were in the process ('waiting on our background checks!' or 'waiting for a dossier!' or 'waiting to be matched!'), but there's no clear-cut process or procedure for what we're doing, so All The Words is what you get instead. If you're still reading, thanks for being a trooper. If you're into praying, you can feel free to request from God that our most recent situation would pan out. ;) If you happen to know someone looking for the best family ever to adopt their baby, you should definitely contact me. And if you wish I would stop blabbing and get back to talking about important things like workout fashion, then just hold tight til tomorrow.