Wednesday, July 10, 2013

in the background

It surprised me a few weeks ago, after I posted my little infertility re-cap for the infertility blog hop thingie, how many of you were surprised to know (or find out) that we are currently pursuing adoption. I guess I thought it was common blog-knowledge, but then I thought about it and realized that if you haven't been around for quite awhile (and/or you haven't gone back and obsessively read my entire archives...ummm...and what kind of blog stalker does that make you??! Embarrassing...)...then I guess it makes sense. Despite having my little 'adoption' category (with a measly 12 posts lumped in it, most of them really having nothing to do with us personally), it's not something I've really discussed here much since January of 2012, when I published my three-part treatise (seriously, not an exaggeration) about the topic (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). 

So I figured a little 'what's up with the adoption thing?' recap might be in order.

We are pursuing and hoping for a private/independent adoption. That means we're not using an agency, which is why everything about our situation is low-key. There aren't loads of paperwork, meetings with social workers, or hoops to jump through. We haven't paid anyone anything (except a few lawyers for a few consultations). We are hoping to use our personal connections (and/or a miracle) in order to find the situation that will eventually lead to the baby that will become our own. If that sounds overly simplistic...well, I did simplify a lot. But it is pretty low-key at this point. Once we have met the birthmother that wants to place her baby with us, then things will follow the more typical lawyers-paperwork-hoop-jumping-money-spending trajectory you probably associate with adoption. But until that day comes, we're doing the legwork on our own.

So how's that going for ya? you may be wondering. Because surely there's a reason people tend to use agencies and systems and big complicated legal machines for the process, right? If it were really this easy, wouldn't everyone be going this route? (Sorry, can't really answer the second two questions there. I just wanted to throw them out there and leave you hanging.)

It's going very well.

Obviously we don't have a baby in our house (YET!), so we can't say it's a huge sparkly ball of success. But all in all, the last 18 months or so that we've been actively pursuing adoption have led us feeling very encouraged. (Please contrast that with the last 18 months (or 4.5 years) of pursuing pregnancy, which have left us feeling NOT ENCOURAGED...luckily these two just about balance out to leave us feeling excitedly neutral.)

We have had five legitimate opportunities arise since March of 2012. Five times we've been contacted about a situation (ranging from women still pregnant to babies up to about 3 months old looking for placement) that could result in adoption. Only one of those situations has come through Dr. X...the rest from a variety of friends/family members/blog readers/strangers who heard about us. You might call it weird. I call it thank God that He hasn't forgotten us. I don't care who thinks of us, dreams about us, or heard from their grandma's friend's hairdresser's cousin that we are interested in adoption. As long as they hear and can get in touch with me...I'm happy

Happy, even though none of these promising situations have resulted in us becoming parents? Yes. Happy still. Happy because for us, so far, the system is working. We've gotten more calls about more babies than a lot of people I know who have lingered on adoption agency waiting lists for years and years. Even though none of our situations have panned out yet (although two of them are still possibilities, I suppose...or at least we do not know for sure that they are NO yet), we just feel excited and encouraged that one of these days, one of these random phone calls just may pan out with us becoming parents at the end.

So why haven't any of them worked so far? In most cases, we never really know. Because there are usually so many degrees of separation between us and whoever has the baby, we honestly just normally stop hearing things and...that's that. Our typical situation has been something along the lines of I will get a call from an acquaintance, who heard from her mom (who knows about us) that her mom's friend's niece is pregnant or has a baby that she is no longer able to care for and might we be interested in adopting him (I say him because ALL OF THEM have been boys thus far)? We say YES! Please give her our info (we have an adoption webpage--NOT this blog)! And so then my friend has to call her mom who has to call her friend who has to call her niece...and sometimes that's as far as it goes. We get excited for a few days, and then when we don't hear anything...well, it's really hard to get more information. It's not like I can just call up the birthmom. And I hate bugging people. So oftentimes the trail just goes cold. I can only imagine that there are multiple "us"es (prospective adoptive families) that have also gotten this call, and maybe one of them was chosen? Or maybe the birthmother chose to parent the baby after all. Or maybe a grandmother decided to parent. I have no idea. BUT-- I think it's because many of the situations are so far removed like that...it's not all that emotionally sad. We don't get our hopes up too high unless we start hearing back feedback or questions from the potential birthfamily (which has happened). These are by no stretch of the imagination 'failed adoptions' or anything that horrible...these were just leads that the trail went cold on, and that's okay. Only once did we actually travel to another city to potentially meet the mother and baby in the hospital and then find out upon arrival that a family member had decided to parent. That made me cry, but still. We'd only KNOWN about the situation for like 18 hours...it wasn't like a 'match' I'd been preparing and getting excited for for 7 months or something. We never saw or held the baby. And so...it was okay.

So we've had five of these things (and another 3 prior to December of 2012, when we weren't even sure we actually wanted to pursue adoption!!...but these situations still found their ways to us)...and with 3 of them all occurring within the last 4 months, it is safe to say that I feel more excited and expectant than ever. God knows we want a baby. And now, somehow, through word of mouth, the hardcore networking of my mom, and this very blog...other people know, too. And they call, or email, and they think of us when they hear about a baby that needs a family. And one of these days, it's going to work. One of those calls will result in another call...the one that says "we want to meet you." And then one of these days, one of those meetings will result in me having to call my wonderful lawyer and tell her that it's time. We need to start the paperwork.   

I know...you thought I shared everything on the blog. Who knew I had this whole secret life going on in the background?!! It's not really that it's a secret, it's just that I actually am rather private, and I think that part of the reason these five no-dice situations have been so easy emotionally is because so few people know when they're happening. The less people that know, the less people that inquire (no doubt with the best of intentions, don't get me wrong) about 'how's that situation going?' and the less times I have to recount that it didn't work out, or we haven't heard anything. And that means that I can keep my emotions under control. Which is nice. And even more, I have to remember that these 'situations' are not mine. Not yet. These are real women and men with real babies, and their stories are not mine to spread willy-nilly. And so I desperately hope that one day, one of these babies will become mine and join my story and then I can overshare to my heart's content...but until then, I will respect other people's right to privacy, I suppose. 

So there you have it. Another super long treatise. :) I guess there's just no short answer for 'how is your adoption process going?'...if we were using an agency, I might be able to give some sort of answer about where we were in the process ('waiting on our background checks!' or 'waiting for a dossier!' or 'waiting to be matched!'), but there's no clear-cut process or procedure for what we're doing, so All The Words is what you get instead. If you're still reading, thanks for being a trooper. If you're into praying, you can feel free to request from God that our most recent situation would pan out. ;) If you happen to know someone looking for the best family ever to adopt their baby, you should definitely contact me. And if you wish I would stop blabbing and get back to talking about important things like workout fashion, then just hold tight til tomorrow.

35 comments:

  1. I think this is great ;) My husband is one of 3 biological children, and he has two adopted sisters. One of them got pregnant very young and decided to gift the baby for adoption. We say "gift" in our family, because it is truly that. Anyway, it was just like you guys are doing. Our family heard of someone who wanted a baby, wanted to adopt, and he worked at our local school, etc. My mother in law emailed them, and they were ecstatic. They helped her through her pregnancy a little, attended important doctors appointments, and they even kept the adoption open and she attends his birthday parties yearly. He's now 4. It's been really, really super and the family loves and adores him so much. It can happen and it will. Praying it will for you all soon'ish ;)

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  2. Since I am a creepy blog stalker who read your ENTIRE archives last summer I knew about Dr X but didn't realize about the other situations. I am still praying Every. Single. Day. that God will give you a baby somehow. And now I will add prayers for this specific situation.

    And yes, it's sometimes hard to know how much to share on the internet when it involves other people's lives as well, especially for something as sensitive as this.

    Thanks for sharing an update on where things are at today.

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  3. Yay! I'm so glad that you wrote this... I'm one of those awkward people who DID go all the way back and read it all, so I did know about your intentions to adopt, but I hate to ask how that's going. Glad to have an update and to know that things are going "well". Praying for this current situation and thanking God that he remembers you and Matt!

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  4. Such a wonderful post! I have heard tidbits of information from your mom but am always wondering how things are going, though I know enough not to 'ask' like you talk about. Are you going to share your adoption page?

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  5. I remember you talking about Dr. X, but since you hadn't brought it up in so long, I was wondering how it was going. While I'm sorry that so far nothing has worked out, I am so thankful that y'all feel encouraged in this area. And now I know how to adjust my prayers. ;)

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  6. Once upon a time my mom helped connect her best friend with a pregnant teenage girl. I was super little at the time, but I do know that it did all work out and they adopted their son.

    What I really admire most about your journey, is that you and Matt have such a strong relationship through it all. We have friends that have had 3 failed rounds of IVF and it really does look like their marriage is all but over.It really is sad.

    Enough of that. I am off to Ulta to spend to much money.

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  7. awesome. so exciting!!! God already has your baby picked out and is working every day to make things happen as they should so the baby can be placed in your arms!!! Excited to see His story revealed :)

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  8. I am failing at properly stalking your blog, and for that, I apologize. I had no idea any of this was going on.

    I need to tell you that I love your optimism/general attitude in this post (always, but especially in this post). You're absolutely right; God knows you want a baby and God WILL send you a baby. I don't know how you manage to keep your expectations in check each time you get a lead (though I know you explained very well how you actually do it, I still admire the fact that you can). That takes a whole lot of inner strength and most of all, faith. Faith in the future. Faith in God. Faith in things working out the way they are meant to. You're inspiring me with all this faith, and I have to say I've been feeling particularly hopeless lately.

    I'm not even going to wish you luck or anything because I truly believe one of these situations is going to pan out and you're going to get that baby you so deserve. Thanks for sharing all of this. You have my thoughts and prayers.

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  9. I love adoption and I wish we could pursue it right now. I am wishing you all the best and praying that you get The Call soon! xoxo

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  10. This really encourages me. We are contemplating a more organic (is that the right word) way of adoption. I am curious as to how much one will have to spend after they have found the birth mom and she is ready to give the child up for adoption. Do you know, or has anyone quoted an amount to you?

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  11. Thanks for filling us in! When you mentioned it recently, I remembered "Dr. X" but wasn't sure if you were still "working" with him, and didn't want to pry, so I appreciate the update. And yet another reason why the blogging network is awesome (all these people reaching out to you with leads)!

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  12. Being an adoption social worker I have worked with MANY prospective adoptive couples, so can I just say how impressed I am at how you and Matt are handling the situation? I mean your attitude and perspective (from what I gather from this post) is amazing. And your perspective on the birthparents is equally amazing. I think birthparents who are considering placing a child for adoption are one of the most misunderstood "groups" of people for many many reasons. So I really appreciate your respect towards them. I will be praying adamantly that God's will be done for your sweet family!!

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  13. As each month goes by with no pregnancy for us I wonder to myself if we are meant to adopt our children? It's been on my heart more and more lately and seeing what a great outlook you have is just amazing. I just have a feeling that things will work out for you and Matt sooner rather than later :)

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  14. Praying for your most recent situation to pan out. :) Thank you for sharing, although I know what you mean by wanting to keep things private as to avoid the annoying "How did it go?"

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  15. I was one of those wondering about your adoption plans. Thanks for filling me in :) Praying that your baby finds you soon!

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  16. Wow. Thanks so much for opening up and filling us all in. I know that God has a child for you and Matt and I am praying that you meet him/her soon. I think your positive outlook is amazing!

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  17. Can I just say how impressed I am with your attitude?? And how excited I am that you are pursuing adoption! Your struggle(s) with infertility weigh heavy on my heart every day and I can't wait for you to become a mom. It's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of WHEN, and I truly believe that. As an adoptee (my parents picked me at the ripe ol' age of 3 weeks old), I fully support adoption and hope to one day have the opportunity to adopt a child myself as a way to sort of "pay it forward". I can't wait to see where you guys go from here! Thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us!

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  18. Glad to hear an encouraging update! I can totally relate to the fact that keeping some stuff private is easier on you emotionally... there are some perks to the whole world knowing your business but some definite downsides as well.

    Continuing to pray and thankful to know how (semi) specifically to do so for y'all!

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  19. Wow! I hope things work out soon and by soon I hope that you get a call in the next week!!! Thanks for the update.

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  20. I love this and think its wonderful! I'm prayin that God answers your prayers VERY soon! xoxo

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  21. I love this update! Awhile ago, before I ever commented on your blog, I read your archives. But I had sorta forgotten about your adoption plans. I'm so glad you opened up. Prayers for you!

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  22. I was definitely one of those people who read back quite a while and I have been praying that a child finds it's way into your life. I am so happy to hear that things have been going well and hopefully good things are coming in the near future. :]

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  23. Wonderful!! Hoping you have a little one soon! I think it is so amazing how it seems to be working out for you guys....and your outlook is so inspiring!

    And can I just say that the phrase "excitedly neutral" is a gem. Love it!! (it just *MAY* describe my feelings toward this season of The Bachelorette?? Not to digress too far here.....)

    Anyway, this is great!!

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  24. I'm glad I read other comments that were curious about how this was going for you guys but didn't want to pry so thanks for the update :) I will definitely be praying for you and hoping that the most recent situation will work out! Your outlook is amazing and I can't wait for your blog to blow up with a million pictures of your kid :)

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  25. Thank you for sharing all of this. I know it can be tricky to navigate knowing what to reveal and what to keep private, but the masses want to know :) I really appreciate knowing exactly what to pray about for you and Matt. I can already see how God is using you and your story for His glory! Love you guys!!!

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  26. Woo hoo! Love the encouraging news that there have been prospects (quite a few, really!). I'll pray specifically for you and Matt and your adoption hopes! Thanks for opening up about this again...I had been wondering :)

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  27. You and Matt are going to be a great parents. Praying for your miracle.

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  28. I am so excited to hear this and all (well, a lot of) the details! :) You are right. God knows you want a baby. Believing with you, friend!

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  29. Thanks for the update girl. I think of you and this process often.. Praying and feeling very hopeful for you! E

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  30. Still praying, mightily! I know with each expectant mother/couple that calls it can feel like a rollercoaster even if you don't know much. One time the expectant parent(s) will turn into birthparent(s) and your stories will merge.

    I'm waiting on the edge of my seat. What a day that will be!

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  31. Thank you for sharing, I didn't have any idea that you were pursuing adoption. I just started following your blog a couple of months ago and didn't know that part of your IF story. We are thinking of pursuing adoption, because I like you have some lovely endometriomas and after 4 failed IVFs, will likely have to go down another road. Would you recommend trying to do it without an agency?

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    1. Hi Nikki- I couldn't find a way to contact you-- I'd love to chat about this, would you mind emailing me? mattyerika AT gmail DOT com. Thanks!! :)

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  32. Wow, Erika! This is really cool. Thanks so much for sharing this side of your story with us! Andrew and I plan to adopt as well. We have done some research, met with and chosen an agency (if we happen to go that route) and have also talked a lot about international adoption. We haven't yet really considered private adoption, but after reading this post, it sounds like an excellent option. Looks like you are going to give Nikki some info. Would you mind copying and pasting some of that stuff into an email to me as well? I don't want to make extra work for you (besides the copying/pasting part) but I would love to know how you decided to go that route.

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    1. I'm also really glad that you shared this because it gives us another thing to pray for.

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  33. WHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT???????????????????

    Okay, I am going to need to process my shock for a few minutes....

    THIS IS SO AWESOME!! Say that our adopted babies can meet someday!!!!

    I need a minute here....

    Okay. This is amazing!! I had no idea. I know we had talked about it awhile back with Dr. X, but I had no idea it was still going on. You are a spy. But I'm so happy for you! I know too well the heartbreak and the waiting and the hope and the disappointment that is adoption. But I can now say that from the other side, it's absolutely the most amazing thing, and it sounds like it's on it's way for you! I will be so intrigued to see the difference between an agency adoption and an private - it was something we thought about a lot. I'm still not sure about it.

    WHAAAAAATTTT????? (Insert minion face here.)

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