the confession booth

Join me in the confessional for a few moments, will you?

1. I may be 30 years old and supposedly mature, but I must admit that this week I decided to teach a co-worker a valuable life lesson (slash pay him back for a way he legitimately wronged me) by means of seriously pranking his office when he was away at a conference. I'm sure I could have handled this issue by means of like...conflict-resolution or a serious conversation, but neither of those has quite the same appeal to me that messing around with his office/mind did. This consequently made yesterday, the day he came back and discovered all of my work, a great day...I got to watch him discover the many layers of my pranking as the day went on. And he hasn't found everything yet. I consider the best pranking to be the kind where they're still discovering stuff months down the road, and it looks like I succeeded with that here. Point: Erika!

2. Throughout my whole life I have selected running/workout shoes based 100% on the following qualities (in this order): price, cuteness, comfort. This means that my shoes have always been within my budget, reasonably cute, and at least semi-comfortable. However, now that I am anciently old and my body is falling apart...and yet I still desire to remain active and in-shape...I have decided to go to an actual running store and get a legit fitting/consultation for my next shoes. I'm pretty excited about the whole process, really, because it looks really scientific and fun-- they videotape your legs/feet while you run on a treadmill so that they can analyze your stride, you stand on this scanner thing that will analyze the way your weight distributes on your feet, and also you bring in your old running shoes so that they can analyze the 'wear' pattern. I mean, that sounds awesome. And then it's like a multi-part fitting/selection process for new shoes. I'm pretty pumped...or I will be as long as my future shoes still end up being cute and neon. But ever since I've decided to do this, I'm thinking about it all the time while I run (still in my old Asics). And I think I have possibly too lofty of expectations for my future shoes. Like, early in my run I start thinking about how 'oh, when I have my new shoes my knees might not hurt!' and then my feet get sore and I'm like 'if I had my NEW shoes, my feet would still feel great!'...and those things are hopefully true. But after a mile or so (which to me is like...long distance...haha) I think I become delirious in my expectations. When I have my new shoes, I bet my lungs won't hurt when I run!! ...because Mizunas cure asthma or something??...if I had my NEW shoes on, my thighs would definitely not be chafing...stupid old shoes...trust me, if shoes gave you instantly thinner thighs, I would have already bought them. When I have my new shoes, I am going to be so much more awake and have more energy and run further!! Good luck living up to all this, New Shoes. Bless your heart(s?).

3. (BITTER INFERTILE PERSON WARNING!) Like most people, I'm pretty excited to see fall coming...I'm only sad that fall happens to coincide with one of my least favorite times of year to be on social media/around people with kids: the time change. This twice-annual event is, evidently, the WORST THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE for lucky bastards with kids. And everyone needs to know about it. All the time. For at least a month surrounding the actual blasted event. I mean, forget war...poverty...mass shootings...disease...floods. PEOPLE HAVE TO SPEND AN EXTRA HOUR OR THREE CUDDLING/BEING WITH WITH THEIR OFF-SCHEDULE BABIES! THE INJUSTICE!!! THE MISERY!!! Trust me, I'm crying a river on your behalf. Really. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone complain about the awfulness of the time change, I could afford a lot more infertility treatments. Sorry for the bitterness. It's just...yeah. Seriously. Sorry.

4. So there's this snack mix in the break room at work. It was left over from some kind of event over the weekend...one of those homemade Chex mix-type things, where they mixed all the components together and then put some kind of seasoning on it and baked it. And it is possibly the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. So salty. So many delicious ingredients (Chex! Golfish! GOOD mixed nuts- like pecans, pistachios, almonds, and cashews! Bugles! Nothing sweet!)...the seasoning...I mean, it's ridiculous. And I should be ashamed to admit that my work week has basically revolved around that snack mix. "After I do X and Y, I will get snack mix." "If I complete Z by 11:00, I will get snack mix!" And when I hear other people commenting on how tasty it is, I get really panicky because I fear that they are going to eat it all and then there will be none left and THEN WHAT WILL I HAVE TO LIVE FOR??? It's a problem. A delicious problem. Unfortunately, at the current trajectory, it looks like it will run out today, so...feel free to pray for fish-and-loaves-type miracles.

Four confessions. If you glean one fact about me out of each confession and put it all together, you can conclude that I am an immature, bitter fatty who is a little bit delusional about shoes. Sounds about right. And now I will bid you adieu. Gotta beat my co-workers to the break room.