Wednesday, September 18, 2013

the confession booth


Join me in the confessional for a few moments, will you?

1. I may be 30 years old and supposedly mature, but I must admit that this week I decided to teach a co-worker a valuable life lesson (slash pay him back for a way he legitimately wronged me) by means of seriously pranking his office when he was away at a conference. I'm sure I could have handled this issue by means of like...conflict-resolution or a serious conversation, but neither of those has quite the same appeal to me that messing around with his office/mind did. This consequently made yesterday, the day he came back and discovered all of my work, a great day...I got to watch him discover the many layers of my pranking as the day went on. And he hasn't found everything yet. I consider the best pranking to be the kind where they're still discovering stuff months down the road, and it looks like I succeeded with that here. Point: Erika!

2. Throughout my whole life I have selected running/workout shoes based 100% on the following qualities (in this order): price, cuteness, comfort. This means that my shoes have always been within my budget, reasonably cute, and at least semi-comfortable. However, now that I am anciently old and my body is falling apart...and yet I still desire to remain active and in-shape...I have decided to go to an actual running store and get a legit fitting/consultation for my next shoes. I'm pretty excited about the whole process, really, because it looks really scientific and fun-- they videotape your legs/feet while you run on a treadmill so that they can analyze your stride, you stand on this scanner thing that will analyze the way your weight distributes on your feet, and also you bring in your old running shoes so that they can analyze the 'wear' pattern. I mean, that sounds awesome. And then it's like a multi-part fitting/selection process for new shoes. I'm pretty pumped...or I will be as long as my future shoes still end up being cute and neon. But ever since I've decided to do this, I'm thinking about it all the time while I run (still in my old Asics). And I think I have possibly too lofty of expectations for my future shoes. Like, early in my run I start thinking about how 'oh, when I have my new shoes my knees might not hurt!' and then my feet get sore and I'm like 'if I had my NEW shoes, my feet would still feel great!'...and those things are hopefully true. But after a mile or so (which to me is like...long distance...haha) I think I become delirious in my expectations. When I have my new shoes, I bet my lungs won't hurt when I run!! ...because Mizunas cure asthma or something??...if I had my NEW shoes on, my thighs would definitely not be chafing...stupid old shoes...trust me, if shoes gave you instantly thinner thighs, I would have already bought them. When I have my new shoes, I am going to be so much more awake and have more energy and run further!! Good luck living up to all this, New Shoes. Bless your heart(s?).

3. (BITTER INFERTILE PERSON WARNING!) Like most people, I'm pretty excited to see fall coming...I'm only sad that fall happens to coincide with one of my least favorite times of year to be on social media/around people with kids: the time change. This twice-annual event is, evidently, the WORST THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE for lucky bastards with kids. And everyone needs to know about it. All the time. For at least a month surrounding the actual blasted event. I mean, forget war...poverty...mass shootings...disease...floods. PEOPLE HAVE TO SPEND AN EXTRA HOUR OR THREE CUDDLING/BEING WITH WITH THEIR OFF-SCHEDULE BABIES! THE INJUSTICE!!! THE MISERY!!! Trust me, I'm crying a river on your behalf. Really. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone complain about the awfulness of the time change, I could afford a lot more infertility treatments. Sorry for the bitterness. It's just...yeah. Seriously. Sorry.

4. So there's this snack mix in the break room at work. It was left over from some kind of event over the weekend...one of those homemade Chex mix-type things, where they mixed all the components together and then put some kind of seasoning on it and baked it. And it is possibly the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. So salty. So many delicious ingredients (Chex! Golfish! GOOD mixed nuts- like pecans, pistachios, almonds, and cashews! Bugles! Nothing sweet!)...the seasoning...I mean, it's ridiculous. And I should be ashamed to admit that my work week has basically revolved around that snack mix. "After I do X and Y, I will get snack mix." "If I complete Z by 11:00, I will get snack mix!" And when I hear other people commenting on how tasty it is, I get really panicky because I fear that they are going to eat it all and then there will be none left and THEN WHAT WILL I HAVE TO LIVE FOR??? It's a problem. A delicious problem. Unfortunately, at the current trajectory, it looks like it will run out today, so...feel free to pray for fish-and-loaves-type miracles.

Four confessions. If you glean one fact about me out of each confession and put it all together, you can conclude that I am an immature, bitter fatty who is a little bit delusional about shoes. Sounds about right. And now I will bid you adieu. Gotta beat my co-workers to the break room.  

31 comments:

  1. I have a kid and am 100% with you on the time change crap. It drives me CRAZY to see those updates! Bitter away my friend. :)

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  2. Yay I'm excited to see how the shoe thing turns out! We have a store here that does all of that but I cringe at even thinking about the price! If you find out the recipe for that mix please share. sounds great :)

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  3. I love getting new running/workout shoes - you'll have to let us know if it's worth the effort/price to get fitted for legit ones!

    As for the time change, I know I referenced recently being worried about it since it falls 2 days after I'm giving birth, so please forgive me for that! But what drives me the most nuts is when people act like they have never experienced a time change before. "I am SO TIRED today, but I can't figure out why!" or "For some reason this time change is really throwing me for a loop!" Moral of the story: time changes can bring out irritating qualities in people, apparently ;)

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  4. I sneaked into the break room and ate what was left of a pan of brownies- probably about 3/4, then sneaked on out...I am not ashamed. They were delicious and no one in the office knows about it. I would be ashamed if they did! They were just so good- the most perfect brownies I'd ever put in my mouth!

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  5. Ah, yes. Time change. Personally, I hate spring forward because everyone complains about losing an hour of sleep. Um, I LOVE the longer days and hate when I leave work and it's dark outside. Depressing. I agree with you about the kids thing, but just general complaining about it is annoying too. Even though I just complained about it....

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  6. Excellent confessions! I love a good office prank, hope the magical running shoes become a reality, hate hearing people complaining about their kids for silly reasons (especially about daylight savings ending in like 2 months). I'm all "jimmy cracked corn" (and I don't care!) over here. And I am not above sneaking a Ziploc baggy or three into work today to snag your own personal supply of chex mix!

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  7. "fish-and-loaves-type miracles"- hilarious! Hope the Big Man restores your bowl of goodness!

    I can vouch for these posh running stores... I mean I don't run, but when I trained for the 3-day, I got fitted. AMAZING. The actual event wasn't as cool as you're suggesting. I usually spend 3X as long trying on shoes... he gave me two options. "Try these... no? Try these... great". But they WERE great. They are 4 years old and falling apart, but I can't let them go.

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  8. I am a Mom but in regards to number 3 yes, that stinks. Hugs for you! I think FB in general is a TMI about people's kids. I LOVE my child more than life itself, but seriously, the world doesn't need to know she peed on the toilet and that she couldn't fall asleep last night. xo

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  9. The shoe fitting people are brilliant! I usually take their advice and find them online for about $50 cheaper, I'm so bad!

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  10. 1) love a good prank...especially on co-workers
    2) I can vouch for the importance of going to a good running store and getting fitted by them... ps my running shoes are AWESOME and are NOT cute at all.
    3) Totally agree about DST... however, I do hate driving home from work when it is dark
    4) That snack mix sounds amazing... I would totally hoard some for later

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  11. I've lived most of my life with a couple of phrases that have served me well"

    i work out to eat more.
    it's not about whether you win or lose, just as long as you look the cutest!
    fake it till you make it!

    hence why i also go for the cute shoes that maybe don't quite cut it for the working out i'm doing. {but let's be honest... they are fine since i'm not that hard core about what i'm doing!}

    looking forward to the full review as to if proper shoes solve all of your running problems. I have the lung issues too :)

    Any chance you can track down the chex mix recipe? I need something to reward myself with after my next workout!

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  12. I agree about the time change! Although it does totally suck and depress me that the daylight hours are slowly dwindling. :(

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  13. Man, I LOVE you! So funny and so amazing!

    And now, I'm going on a hunt for chex mix... :)

    E

    P.S. I love daylight savings because it's the only time of the year I feel like a "normal" parent because my kid isn't on a schedule at all!! :)

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  14. Haha, I LOVE your confession about the running shoes. So funny! And confession #3? You go, girl. I mean, people with babies? Their lives totally suck ... for sure [rolls eyes]. You are definitely not the only bitter infertile, my friend.

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  15. 1. At my old job I witnessed the best office prank ever. Take very thin strips of scotch tape and place them individually over the receiver slats on your coworker's phone. They should be all but invisible if done carefully. For all ensuing conversations, everyone on the other end of the conversation will say, "I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time hearing you. Can you speak up?" Your coworker will yell into his receiver (mostly guys deserve this) and will slowly lose his mind. It took my coworker a week to figure it out. I basically peed my pants every time his phone rang.
    2. I had no idea that daylight savings time was such an ordeal for fertiles! I've blessedly missed it. I'm mildly bothered that my dogs want food at the incorrect hour but I've never felt the need to bring my grievances to FB.

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  16. 1. This was excellent.
    2. Yes, shoes make a HUGE difference! There is a new place in Athens called Fleet Feet, and they have coupons if you google it.
    3. Hugs.
    4. It is gone now and I miss it already.

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  17. If those new shoes do everything you think they will get me a pair too please.

    And people are freaking out about the time change already?!?! I still find the whole time change thing funny because I grew up in a place where they don't do it. It's just a really bizarre concept to me even though I've had to do it for years.

    And can you get the recipe for that snack mix. It sounds AMAZING. Or fill up a baggie and send me some. Either way works for me :)

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  18. Looking forward to hearing about your shoes! A store around here does a similar analysis, but I didn't have it done. Wonder now if it would make a difference?

    A friend of mine at work has an M&M dispenser at his desk. Walk up, put out your hand, and chocolate goodness falls right into it. I have been known to make up excuses to go, too. (And to go when I know no one is around.)

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  19. Love it! Can't wait to see the new shoes!

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  20. Haha love the confession about your shoes. While they may not make all your problems magically disappear, hopefully you'll want to wear them more ie run more and then you'll feel better running! Consistency is key my friend! It is really fun to get fitted even though the price tag of the shoes still make me wince a little. It's definitely worth it though. And now I just have one favor..discover the recipe for this amazing snack mix and put it on the blog?!!

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  21. totally with you on the shoe thing, I think the same thing every time I go for a walk/run. Need to get my butt to the running store like everyones telling me but, things keeps distracting me, like this post :p

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  22. I am going to need details about the prank, please. :)

    And I hope I'm still allowed to hate the time change and consider it completely pointless, bc I am a big fan of things that are both logical and efficient and IMO DST is neither. I will just make a point not to complain about it in a kid-related way in the future.

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  23. Amen! (on the time change thing) I know all those fortunate moms and dads mean well, but really? Be a little grateful.

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  24. When you find shoes that give you more energy and make you want to exercise, let me know!! I will need some, too.

    I totally complain about time change. :( Not on Facebook and only sometimes does a tiny bit of my angst seep into a blog post, but this year, in Honor of Erika, I will do my best to not say a single thing about it online. If I forget you can egg my house or something.

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  25. I couldn't agree with you more about #3. And I love #1. Prank wars at work are the.best! But all I have to say is... watch your back :)

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  26. I want to know all about your pranks. And I only complain about the time change in the spring because I lose an hour of sleep. Dumb springing forward...

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  27. Amen to the complaining from parents about the time change!! How quickly some forget how lucky they are to be dealing with such "issues."

    Love a good office prank!!

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  28. And now I need a pile of chex mix? SO HUNGRY FOR SALT AND GOLD FISH waahhhhh

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  29. I wanna hear more about this running shoe fitting thingy. How did you find out about this? Where can I find one in my area?

    And I have a houseful and *I'm* annoyed by the time change thing. It's not THAT serious, folks.

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  30. My mom got me new running shoes last year at one of those fancy places where they watch you run and the guy helping me was a cross country runner at UT, so that didn't make me feel insecure or anything. Also, I have the same problem right now with trail mix. I literally think everything I do during the work day warrants another handful, which is why I made it through a 4-pound bag in under 2 weeks. Oops.

    Also, this will be my first time change with the babies and I forgot I was supposed to hate it, so thanks a lot for the reminder! I will try not to whine publicly but feel free to ignore me if I do.

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  31. This post cracked me the heck up. Love the bit about the shoes. I totally think my shoes are going to solve all my motivation problems EVERY TIME.

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