Monday, December 23, 2013

blame it on the rain.

The weekend had some high points. Let's focus on those first, shall we?

On Saturday I met up with my friends Laura and Elizabeth for brunch and a few hours of hanging out in a town midway between where we all live. 


We've started doing this every few months and it makes me SO happy. I am TERRIBLE at keeping up with friends and maintaining long-distance (if 75 miles can even qualify as that) relationships (unless they blog, of course!), so this is a happy rarity. It was cloudy and drizzly and quite warm, but we had fun shopping and laughing-- truly a high point in the Christmas season, although the visit had nothing to do with Christmas. 

In spite of the cloudy drizzle, Matt and I decided to capitalize on the warmth and take a run sans ear warmers and sweatshirts. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually SWEAT while running! We got rained on a few times, but all in all it was highly preferable to running in the dark cold the way we do most days.

We did a lot of shopping on Saturday and Sunday (and we're still not done...high five for procrastination?). Most of it was for other people, but I'm certainly not above buying things for myself if the mood strikes. I mean, I spent my entire Sunday afternoon shopping in the pouring rain yesterday. I deserve to be rewarded for that, right? My jeans were SOAKED.

I found the cutest cutest cutest ponte knit blazer on the mega-clearance (70% off!) rack at Target!

Source
This picture looks super weird- you can't even see the navy stripes! Click on the link to see it on Target's webpage. It's almost like sweatshirt material, so it's REALLY comfy and stretchy-- but it looks classy and work-appropriate! And it was $8, so like...come to mama. Anyway. I actually got on the webpage this morning to see if they had it in any other colors...and then realized that on the Target webpage they are still listing it at full price??! So while I definitely think you should get it, I do NOT think you should pay $29.99 for it. Go to Target and find one for $8. Well worth it. And if you see the black and white one in a medium, send it my way.

So the weekend definitely had some good stuff. Buuuutttttt...yeah. Also, it was hard. It was pouring rain and gross outside and it just looked like the whole world was crying and then so was I. Crying because this is our fifth damn Christmas of infertility (technically sixth, but since we'd only been 'trying' for about 2 weeks on that first Christmas...pretty sure you can't count that as knowing the struggle). Crying because I miss my baby. I try not to think about her. But sometimes it really kills me. Every baby I saw in a store, every happy, stressed out family...that should be us. And yet here we are. Again. And again and again and again. I was re-reading old posts of mine from years ago over the weekend and when we'd been struggling with infertility for *only* three or so years, I was saying that I just couldn't imagine making it through another holiday season childless. And yet I did. Three more times. And counting. And I still can't imagine it and I can't imagine surviving it next year. But I probably will. It's weird to keep living a life that you can't imaging living...even while you're doing it. Does that make sense? Very meta of me. Blame it on the rain. AND FIVE YEARS OF STUPID DISAPPOINTMENT. 

I just miss our baby. This stupid failed adoption has royally screwed me up. If we hadn't gone through that, this year would be no different than the previous 4 holiday seasons: sad, but bearable. But this was supposed to be different. This could have been different. We held our baby. I watched her being born. I was her mother. And then...I wasn't. And I'm not. And I don't know where she is, and I pray she is loved and cared for. I hope a dozen people fight over holding her at Christmas, that she has a pretty Christmas dress and that someone bought her a Baby's First Christmas ornament. Not that any of those things really matter, but I just want to believe that she's as loved and cherished in her family as she would have been in ours.

Today would have been Matt's first day back at work. If we still had our baby, Matt's seven-week paternity leave would be ending. It would have been a hard day, watching him go back to work. But I would have been home with my baby. That's the life I should be living.

But instead we both got up. We got dressed, we walked the dog, we got ready for work. We commuted through the pouring rain and it's just another day of being Matt and Erika, the perpetually childless couple with a freaking fabulous nursery and no baby to reside in it. We're like the opposite of the Christmas story. Plenty of room in the inn. No occupants. Miraculously un-pregnant and childless for the millionth year running.

It isn't that I've lost hope. I haven't. I have so much hope. But holding out hope can grow old. I've grown weary of it. It's still there, but it's not new and shiny and fun, the way it was years ago. When we were still relatively fresh on this journey...when we'd 'only' been trying for 2 or 3 years...when infertility was still sort of a gross novelty. You know what's funny about having been on the journey this long? People have run out of stories to try to encourage us with. When we'd been trying for 2 or 3 years, people would tell us stories of friends of theirs who got pregnant/adopted after some horribly long wait (like 4 or 5 years)...and to some extent it was encouraging. Like people have done this before, people have waited this long and longer and had a happy ending. But now those stories have pretty much dried up. It's a little harder to find stories of people who've been waiting as long as us that still end happy. Your brother's co-worker's cousin's story is years shorter and happier than ours is at this point, so there's no point in sharing. And that's kind of a relief. After awhile, other people's happy-ending stories hurt more than they help. Our infertility isn't caused by a lack of hope or trust or belief. We fully believe that God can do immeasurably more than we can imagine. We would die if we didn't believe that. But I guess I'm at a point of diminishing returns or something...encouragement isn't encouraging anymore. I just want people to say "I'm so sorry. It sucks. I would be sad, too." Oh and then to stop getting pregnant and having happy bump and baby and kid pictures on their Facebooks. Is that too much to ask??!

Sorry for being a downer. It's definitely the rain. But it should stop later today, and so too will my sadpants mood, hopefully. I have so many things to be thankful for-- it ticks me off when I let myself get bent out of shape because one aspect of my life hasn't gone according to MY (emphasis on MY) plan. 

Hope you have a good Christmas Eve Eve. Wish me luck as we try to finish our shopping this evening, ha. And next year-- someone remind me in like November that maybe you should start shopping a little sooner. This is ridiculous!

36 comments:

  1. I just started reading your blog recently and I love the way you write. With honesty and feelings. I cannot imagine what you must be going through and how hard it must be for you. All I can offer is that I will pray for you and all the infertiles that are still struggling. God bless and may you have a joyous Christmas despite your loss.

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  2. Oh girl, I hate this for you! I'm so sorry. It sucks. I would be sad, too. I hate that you and Matt are still in this place, and I hate even more that we don't know why. But don't beat yourself up about a the tears and sadness. You inspire and encourage so many people to live life and to be happy even in the midst of all the suckiness! 99% of the days you exude happiness and laughter... it's totally okay to be sad, pissed, depressed, angry, and whatever else you're feeling every now and then. Hope is beautiful, but it's also really hard. Praying that the Lord will fill you with joy for the Christmas holidays and fill your roomy inn soon! Love you friend!

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  3. Oh girl, I hate this for you. I can't imagine all the emotions you are going through. I'm so glad to see you still have hope. The Lord promises us when we put our hope in Him that He will never disappoint us. Romans 5:5. Hope you feel overwhelmed with peace on Christmas day, the only type of peace that can come from him!!! Love you!

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  4. I am sorry you had some low points...it happens. Heck I cried like a baby in my shower on Monday with cold water beating me in the face :/ But I wanted to share something with you that someone told me once when I said that I needed new verses, or stories, or something to keep going. This person reminded me of Psalm 37: 3 which says to feed on God's faithfulness. They basically said that we should continue to feed on what God has done for us in the past and this will help sustain us to keep having a strong sense of hope. This person then reminded me of when the Israelites were brought out of captivity, God had parted the red sea, rained down food for them to eat, and did many other miraculous things yet they still complained. As a result, they wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years because they failed to see what God had done in the past and was also too focused on what they could see in the present. I do not say ANY of this as condemnation AT ALL so please, please don't take it that way. This is just what that person said to me in order to help me continue to see God's faithfulness and keep pressing on. So I only say it in hopes that it will be a new encouraging story...? It's probably not. LOL!

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    1. while cleaning the house I just kept going over my comment over and over in my head. It didn't come out any thing like what I had in my head. It was suppose to be encouraging...def not! I'm sorry! And I miss your baby girl too :/ That was the first blog post I read of yours and I cried all week long for you. I'm sorry

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  5. I have been reading for almost a year now and I just wanted to say that I am sorry. It does suck and, if I were in your position, there is no way that I could be as positive as you have been. I am sorry.

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  6. As someone that likes control (even though I know I really don't have any), I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so sorry! You guys are always in my prayers.

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  7. Stupid rain!! I'm sorry Erika, you are always in my prayers :) Now go have some retail therapy you deserve it!!

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  8. I'm really sorry. It really sucks. I would be really sad, too :(

    I know infertility sucks all the time, but I know it sucks extra hard this time of year. It's ok to be sad. I just hope being with loved ones this week will help you to be less sad... and if that doesn't work, retail therapy surely will.

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  9. Thank you for the kick in the pants this morning Erika. I've been in tears a lot of the morning because the ice storm and sickness are ruining MY plans for a fun Christmas. As Elisha said above, instead of seeing what God has done in the past I've been too focused on what God is (or isn't!) doing in my present. In three days all this Christmas hype will be over and we can all get back to normal life.

    And I want you to know, yet again, that every single day I pray for your inn to be filled to overflowing. (Okay, I haven't prayed that exact wording yet but I will starting today!) And I continue to hold out hope for you, Matt and your future children.

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  10. Just so you know, I miss your baby girl, too. I was really looking forward to reading how you guys adjusted to parenthood and seeing how the holidays were with her. And seeing all her cool hair-styles that you came up with after reading so much about them. :) This whole situation stinks big time. God can do more than we can ask for or imagine (Eph 3:20) and He works all things together for good (Rom 8:28), so I don't think your story is over yet. Keep dreaming and hoping. :) And actually, I DO know a happy-ending story of friends who struggled with infertility for YEARS, like 10, and recently adopted a school age boy. They are just the happiest, cutest family. You guys are already the cutest family ever, so I'm afraid that when you have kids your house will basically just explode from the intense cuteness.

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  11. Yesterday was the same in Chicago. Super gloomy and drizzly (except it was in the 30s). Because my emotions are apparently controlled by the weather, I responded in the same way. This Christmas is extra hard for you and Matt. No two ways about it. I'm sorry that you have to go through another holiday season without a baby in your arms. It's completely unfair.
    I always hated - and still hate - other people's stories of thousands of years of infertility capped off with a miracle baby/adoption/second coming. The only thing that echoes in my head was how long that couple had to suffer before they got their kid.
    Maybe this Christmas can just be about Christmas, not about thinking about NEXT Christmas (hallmark of the infertile Christmas). Just about glowing lights, cinnamon rolls and quality flannel pyjamas. Love to you both, may the next few days zip by with family, love and zero obnoxious stories.

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  12. Rain is stupid, failed adoption is stupid and infertility is mega stupid!!! Sending lots of hugs!!!

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  13. Ugh. Oh Erika, I am so sorry. I have to be honest though... I don't know how you don't have more sadpants days than you do. You are amazing at looking on the bright side in life even with all you've endured. It is SO incredibly unfair and sad and depressing but I have always admired your strength and your happiness despite the horribleness that infertility has bestowed upon you. Just know I'm thinking of you... Praying for you. And praying that THIS is your last Christmas as a family of two. XOXO

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  14. I hate all that you and Matt have went through in the past 5-6 years. I have no idea how you keep going except through Christ. Know that you are loved and prayed for. I will pray straight out for your miracle until it happens.

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  15. Boo for rainy day gloomies. It sucks. And I'm sorry. You're still in my daily prayers.

    May I add- Your black dress with blue cardigan? So cute! I found myself wanting to recreate that whole ensemble. I know the two mini paragraphs don't go together but I like to end with the positive :)

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  16. I hate this for you, and though it usually isn't a child I want, I kinda get your frustration. I'm sick of people offering stories and saying chin up. It makes me want to yell shut up and slap them across the face. Somehow, that is still unacceptable, so I don't, but in my head I totally do. As always, praying both our prayers are answered.

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  17. I feel your pain. This is my fifth childless and infertile Christmas. My husband and I have tried since October 2009 and not so much as a scare of pregnancy. Everyone says it will happen when it is supposed to happen, maybe next year. But the years keep coming and faster and faster. They say, "if you stop trying and just let it go it will happen." Who invented that terribly WRONG logic? I hate these holidays without my baby. I've never been through what you have, and I've never had a miscarriage, but I lose my baby every single day. And it does not get easier. But we never lose hope. That's how we know that we deserve motherhood, because we NEVER lose hope. But I want to, I want to give up on these days before Christmas, because Christmas joy is not in my heart until I see it in a child's eyes. When will it be our children's eyes?
    Just know there are women out there that you don't even know that you comfort in knowing that we are not alone. It sucks and it is unfair!
    Happy Holidays, right?

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  18. I know just what you mean. I have ALWAYS said that I knew I could never endure a miscarriage... whatever that means. How do you not survive the things that happen? It's a paradox, but somehow, you just... do. You find that inner strength and you somehow keep going. Still, every single day I say the same thing, "I could never survive that." I did survive it. But still, I know I can't. I'm pretty sure that makes perfect sense to you.

    Rainy days make it worse, because gloomy moods are almost inevitable. But you've had an enormously sunny outlook for these last few weeks, so a little bit of sadness is perfectly justified and normal. Especially in the rain.

    Rooting for you, and hoping that your Christmas is beautiful and filled with love.

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  19. I can't wait for the day things are different for you guys. You soooo deserve it. My heart aches for you. I hope you and Matt have a merry Christmas.


    >>>And now I'm going to go YouTube some Milli Vanilli vids.....

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  20. Have you listened to the song "Rain" by Patty Griffin? Perfectly appropriate for how you were/are feeling!

    Praying for you, friend, and for the future child(ten) I hope God has in store for you and Matt!

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  21. Totally feeling your pain this Christmas...it really does stink...like a lot....
    Praying for y'all! Merry Christmas :)

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  22. I know those feelings and can relate to your terrible, no good, very bad days. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this heartache. Thank you for your honesty. I can't wait to see God's plan for your family unfold this next year!
    By the way, can you email me? I'm not sure I have your email but I wanted to give you some info.

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  23. It's ok to be sad sometimes. Even gloomy. I think you are a very positive person most of the time, but in IF we need to have permission to be sad and grieve sometimes too

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  24. Oh, Erika, I just perused a little of this after seeing your hilarious title "A Christmas Grammar Intervention"! Especially the part about apostrophes being "festive" and "cheery"--I loved it!

    Anyway, I saw in how you described yourself that you were both introverted and long-winded. That is SO me, too. I think we are kindred spirits!

    Read about your daughter and my heart aches for you. We don't always know what God is up to, but I hope He gives you children soon.

    Merry Christmas!

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  25. I'm so sorry, friend. This time of year makes hard times even that much harder. Some one else commented above and I agree. . . hope is amazing, but it is also REALLY hard. And that is ok. You are a human being with human emotions and it is ok and expected to have many rainy days in the midst of sunshiny ones. God expects both types of days from his children, ya know? Love you, friend and prayers are being lifted ongoing. Hugs.

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  26. I am so sorry, Erika. I am also very grateful for your brave and candid blog. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps me keep going with mine. Instead of Christmas presents today, my husband and I are paying for a fertility treatment that failed months ago . . . and the bill came today . . . on any other day it would have been easier. I had to get up, get dressed and go to work too. Thank you for your posts. I agree with the comment above: Hope is hard and it's a beautiful thing too - I'm just gonna keep doing it. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

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  27. My heart aches for you so much with your loss of that baby girl. It's so cruel that you & Matt saw her, kissed her, held her, and then didn't get to keep her. :( I can't even imagine the birth mom (or social worker) telling you that she changed her mind - i cry just thinking about it. I am so sorry that happened. I am praying that you get a baby this year. Well, 2014. Although 2013 would be AMAZING. ;)

    I love your honesty & your attitude. This is my 3rd Christmas on the infertility journey. And even with it only being year 3, i have had so many tell me stories that are like "my friend struggled to get pregnant for a WHOLE 13 MONTHS!!!! and then she got pregnant!!!!" & i'm like... "13 months? Wow. That's AMAZING. Thank you!" (just a little sarcasm!) I can only imagine it gets worse when you've been trying for 5 years, and all the stories have miracles before that. I do know that the women in the Bible waited for much longer than 5 years, right? I have been holding on to this verse: "Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her 6th month. For nothing is impossible with God." -Luke 1:36-37 (This helps me b/c i feel old at 35. I am not saying you are!! LOL.)

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  28. I love that you are able to share your heart. It's hard to know what's better...when the "miracle" stories keep coming to encourage you or when people assume you've just given up or made peace with it, so the stories stop. I do know this: It's hard, it sucks, and I'm sorry. While we may not receive our heart's desire, we can still receive His love...it's just harder to believe it is still there.

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  29. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I can definitely relate, down to the nursery collecting dust and going through the motions of another day and another season still waiting. I still have lots of hope, too, but I am equally weary!

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  30. ' But holding out hope can grow old. I've grown weary of it." . . . "yup".
    Know what you mean, not in regards of having a baby but whit my own life and it's story. So, "yup".

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  31. I've read this post several times now and crafted and re-crafted a response... and have come to the conclusion that there are no words that adequately say what I want to say. But in the interest of not letting perfection trump good enough, here it goes: Don't ever apologize for "sadpants" days. You and your hubby are grieving the loss of your baby... that situation was so very unfair. Please know that we are all rallying behind you and there are no disclaimers needed when you need to vent. We are all sending out love even though we've never officially *met* you two.

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  32. I am so behind on blog reading that I just read this one, and I am speechless and broken for you, and I have been there, in the rain with you and it just looks like it will never stop, and you will just drown with the rain, and you start to think "It's not so bad being soaking wet all the time." There is hope. I can't explain how I know you'll have or get a baby one day soon, but I just know it. People told me that about us though, and I wanted to punch them in the face, so I can understand if that elicits that response. It sucks. It's the worst. What you've been through no one should have to go through, and I feel like it's as close to the death of a child that you can get without a child dying. I am thinking of you, praying for you, and feeling such sorrow for you both, but also my hope that has been fufilled this year, finally, has now been passed to you. I am praying like my friend Jen prayed: one year Lord, within a year.

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  33. Yeah six year club!
    Also -"reverse Christmas story" - love it.
    Also - kind of a relief the stories are drying up - YEAH

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