Saturday, June 21, 2014

chosen, again.

I don't usually post on Saturdays, but some things merit breaking tradition.

We've been chosen again. In a few short weeks, Matt and I will be parents.

It sounds nice to say it like that, with all the confidence in the world, but you know that isn't how it feels. The crushing disappointment of November is still pretty fresh on my mind, so when I say "we will be parents," what I mean is that we are desperately hopeful that if all goes well, we'll have that chance. That it looks like we'll definitely be in the hospital soon, witnessing the birth of a baby...and maybe, just maybe, we'll get to be her parents forever.

We are overwhelmed with joy and hope and fear, all at once. 

When we told our families, they responded with the mixture of cautionary excitement and dread that we had expected. I just...I don't know if I'm ready to go through that (and by 'that,' she means November) again, my mom tearfully admitted. And I felt and feel the same way. I can't imagine anything more excruciating than losing another baby. And yet I am willing to take the risk again, because this story could end differently. I don't know if I'm "ready," I highly doubt I'm "strong enough"...but I know that if we had said no to this opportunity, there is a 100% chance we would still be childless in August. So we kicked our fear to the curb and said yes

And maybe we will be parents in August.

I wish I could tell you all about J, the expectant mom who chose us. We love her. We've met with her and her family several times over the past months and are overwhelmed with how positive and committed they are to supporting her and us in this situation. We look forward to being in relationship with them for the long term, a team committed to doing what is best for this baby.

Unlike last time, we kept quiet about this for a long time. Honestly, until yesterday, when I told my co-workers, almost nobody outside of our families knew. I thought it would be harder than it was. It was surprisingly freeing, though, and kind of nice. After all, most couples have the luxury of not spreading their news for a number of weeks or months...it felt almost normal to keep quiet. Because people tend to not really know how to react when we tell them anyway, it wasn't too tempting to run around sharing freely. And because no one knew, it's been easy to sort of guard my heart and emotions. I've been surprisingly un-weepy. Objective, even. We are preparing for a baby, but we know it might not happen. We knew last time, too, and tried to prepare accordingly...but this time, we really know. And somehow that's made it easier to plan and think about the next few months. We hope to bring home a forever baby in August. But if we don't, we will survive again. 

I don't want to sound all doom and gloom and like I'm only preparing for the worst. That couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that we are over the moon, we talk about her all the time, we have bought more adorable onesies than you can count, we have almost decided on her name. We text frequently with J and she lets us know that the baby likes to party all night long. We're ready. We finally got a glider, so bring on the late night parties. The baby also really likes being in the pool. Excellent. She'll fit right in here.

We are humbled and grateful for this opportunity. Choosing a family to raise your child must be the most difficult decision a person could make, and we don't take it lightly that they chose us. We hope and pray that no matter how this ends, whether with us bringing home a baby and loving her until she's old and gray, or J choosing to parent and love her herself, that this child will grow up knowing love, knowing that her life is infinitely valuable, and that this situation will be somehow redemptive for all of us involved. 

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. (Lam. 3:21-23)

79 comments:

  1. How incredibly wonderful! Love and prayers to you and hoping that you get to bring home a bundle in August.

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  2. So good, Erika. So good. We are praying for y'all. For baby, for mama J. For all involved :)
    I love your heart, I love what God has done and what He will continue to do as He prepares you for August. He is good, no matter what :) Thanks for sharing your heart!

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  3. Oh, i am so happy for you, Erika! I fully understand being cautious... i would be too. I am afraid of miscarrying next time we get pregnant... i know that is nothing like what y'all went through since you actually met and held your sweet baby, only to have her taken away... but you know what i mean. I am praying that these months fly by and that she is in your arms soon & forever. :) Praying for her birth mom, for you & Matt. Love ya!

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  4. Happiness! Thanks for letting us share your adventure through the sadness and joy. Praying and hopeful... :-)

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  5. Woohoo!!! Greatest news ever!! I am so very happy for you & Matt. :) looking forward to more updates over the next few weeks & praying with you!

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  6. I've had a gut feeling something was happening on your end. I don't know why it's important that I share that, other that since I've had that feeling, I've been praying you guys. I will continue to do so, my friend.

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  7. This is the most wonderful news Erika!! Looking forward to the upcoming months and I will be praying for everyone involved :)

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  8. Beyond amazing! My heart is happy (albeit cautiously) for you, Matt and your families. I'm not surprised that you were, once again, chosen to bring home a precious baby girl. Your home is ready, your hearts are open and your arms are aching for that baby. Hugs and love from NY!

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  9. Congratulations!! Sending much happiness and hope your way!! Y'all are going to be AMAZING parents.

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  10. This is such wonderful news, I am so happy for you and Matt! I will continue to pray that it all works out and that little bundle of joy is yours forever. <3

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  11. I had hoped this was what you were referring to but I talked myself down since I quite often get over excited! :) I will for sure be praying for all involved! And now, all I want to do is go sew something for you! Good thing I have all of July off!

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  12. SO Exciting!! Will be holding you and the babe up in prayer. Fervently praying that this will be everything you have always dreamt of! You deserve great happiness!

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  13. I'll admit that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hoped this is what you were talking about in your post yesterday, and when the title popped up in my reader, I gasped aloud in excitement. I couldn't be happier for you, or more hopeful and excited. Ahhhh!

    In a way I know what you mean with every word of this post. When you have it and it gets taken away... well, mine were in a different way, but it's the same concept. You want to be ecstatic and realistic at the same time. You want to celebrate the child (because he/she deserves that much), but you want to guard your heart. It feels impossible to balance the emotions. Even today, even right now, I'm still not entirely convinced I'll have a happy ending. Crazy, but it's true. I just know too well what the heartbreak feels like.

    But for you my friend... I am praying so hard for you. I hope beyond hope that you get your happy ending in August. Because one thing I know is that no matter what, the fear, the terror, the sleepless nights and the what-ifs... it will all have been worth it when it works out.

    Super excited for you. Seriously.

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  14. Lots of hugs! Hoping hoping hoping that this is it!!! You two are so strong, but I hope this time your strength is only used for late night diaper changes!

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  15. I am overwhelmed with excitement for you! This brought thankful tears to my eyes (and I'm not really a crying type). Continuing to pray for you and Matt, and now for J and the coming baby. It sounds like your heart is perfectly prepared. What a wonderful maker we have!

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  16. This is wonderful news!! No baby is guaranteed - carried in our own bellies to full term or grown in our hearts to full term. As terrifying as it is, it's just as exciting and heartwarming. I am so thrilled that your little girl is on her way!! Congratulations Erika!!!

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  17. Goosebumps!!! So, so happy for you guys - and will be praying hard, of course! (Does this mean you want me to order her a placemat just like Avery's...?)

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  18. Oh Erika! This warms my heart. I will keep you in my prayers that everything goes well for everyone involved.

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  19. Oh, prayers for all of you as you walk this journey. Whatever the outcome, praying for joy, peace, and wisdom in the next months.

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  20. Eek!! So glad this was what the news was… praying, praying, praying!

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  21. Oooh!!! Praying so hard that this works out - that your forever baby will be in your arms come August. XOXO

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  22. You better get through the rest of the Harry Potter series then ... Things will be crazy (but in an awesome way) once August rolls around. ;)

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  23. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is such great news!

    I am hoping and praying so hard that you end up with your forever baby in your arms in August! Or July, if she decides to come early :) I love your sentence about, "I don't know if I'm "ready," I highly doubt I'm "strong enough"...but I know that if we had said no to this opportunity, there is a 100% chance we would still be childless in August." I am praying for peace of mind for you and Matt as you await the birth of this baby.

    I can't wait to hear more as you are able/willing to share.

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  24. Hoping and praying and hoping and praying some more!!! Your story is going to eventually end beautifully...I just know it! REALLY hope that this is your baby!

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  25. This post brought tears to my eyes! I can only imagine the host of emotions y'all are dealing with right now, but know you are covered in prayers by so many people. Praying, praying, praying this is your forever family!

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  26. So glad you shared! You are such an inspiration! We will be staying updated on the next chapter in your lives.

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  27. What wonderful news!! I'll be praying for y'all!

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  28. This was such a pleasant surprise to find this morning… I mean, the cryptic bread crumbs had me hoping, but the confirmation is so sweet! And August, sooooo soon!

    I'm so thankful for the birth mom and that she saw the awesomeness and worthiness of you and Matt. Praying for her, and her heart during these last weeks. Asking for good things, BIG things for you and Matt. Love you, friend!

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  29. WOW! So very excited for your family. Thank you for sharing your heart--I can't even imagine all the emotions that you guys must be going through. Praying for you!

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  30. So excited for you all! Lots of prayers, hugs and jumps for JOY! Thanks for letting us in your hearts again and sharing this journey.

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  31. I'm so hopeful this baby becomes your forever baby. You're going to be amazing parents and this child would be so lucky to have you as parents. Sendin prayers that everything works out this time!

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  32. Great news! We'll continue to pray that all goes smoothly!

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  33. Such wonderful, exciting news! Will definitely be praying for you and Matt and for J and the baby these last few weeks. I hope and pray this is your forever baby!

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  34. I am hoping and praying that you get to bring home your forever baby very soon! You and Matt will be the best parents ever. That is one lucky bubba! Your journey gives me hope that good things do come to those who wait. I know that this will work out for you. I don't get that feeling often but this time it will all work out for the best and your baby will be in your arms before you know it. All the very best! xo

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  35. Oh wow! Said a prayer for you after reading this. Thanks for sharing this with us and we'll all be keeping you in our prayers.

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  36. oh, prayers, prayers, prayers. What a beautiful, exciting and scary time. praying god's hand all over this situation!!

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  37. Erika,

    WOW!!! So excited and happy for you! I have been following your blog for awhile now, but this is the first time I have commented--just had to say that I am so excited for you and Matt! Can't wait to hear more!

    YAY!!!!!

    Dawn

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  38. Don't know why I checked Bloglovin today but I'm so glad I did! So happy for you two. I'll be praying for both families and that sweet baby girl!

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  39. Oh sweet Erika - I'm so glad you shared! I know you are taking a HUGE step of faith again, but that is exactly what we are called to do - walk by faith, despite what has happened in our past. So so so excited for y'all and believing for big things! Love that you are prepping and getting things ready and I'm believing with you that you will be able to use those burp cloths I sent you SOON!!! praying for you on this journey too xoxo

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  40. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!There are barely any words except YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  41. I will say prayers for you both!!! This brought tears to my eyes. I will think of you often between now and then with positive energy overflowing!!!

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  42. The hope that I hold in my heart for you is nurtured by the love that we know this child will have and HAS already, between what sounds like an incredible birthmother and you and Matt. I will hold this hope until you have a baby in your arms, one way or another. On a positive note, after celebrating LittleM's birthday today, I am SO excited to watch your joy fly over the moon and back when you and Matt are finally parents. It's going to be great to watch.

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  43. Congratulations!!! I've been following your blog for awhile and also hoped that this is what you meant in yesterday's post! We got the call that we were matched with an expectant mother this week! The whirlwind and rollercoaster of emotions involved in adoption are incredible, aren't they? Wishing you the best of luck!!

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  44. I just love your heart, friend. And I love how you & Matt are using the heartbreak of November to spur on the truth that is God's continual faithfulness and hope, regardless of life's situational outcomes. That said, I am THRILLED for you guys and will pray that THIS IS YOUR TIME. Come on August! Hugs!

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  45. I am so happy to hear this update! Thank you for sharing all of this. You are a gifted writer, and I enjoy your blog, but I will be happy to see (hopefully) lots of adoption and baby-related posts soon! I pray you have peace for the next several weeks and that your relationship with J flourishes so all parties involved can make the best decisions for little one! :)

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  46. I am so excited for you! I totally understand why you feel cautious though...oh and isn't choosing the name the hardest thing ever?? We chose Valentina's name only a few weeks before. Good luck with everything, I will be thinking of you :)

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  47. Congratulations Erika and Matt!! I'm so excited for you guys and will be sending lots of happiness and hope your way!! :)

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  48. Oh my goodness, I'm SO excited and happy for you! Kudos to keeping it a secret- that's so hard!! Praying everything goes smoothly!

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  49. Eeeee! This makes my heart happy! You soooooo deserve this! :) :)

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  50. Oh gosh!!! I have been out of town all weekend and am just seeing this... When I saw the title in my feed, I could NOT WAIT for the post to load. Erika, I am so so happy, and so so hopeful!!! Lots of prayers going up tonight for you, Matt, J, and your sweet baby. I know God's got this one handled! :) Love you!!!!

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  51. This is wonderful news! I'm so very excited for you, though I can only imagine how hard it must be to face this situation again. Your relationship to J sounds amazing. I hope this will turn into a good situation for everyone.

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  52. What wonderful and amazing news!!!

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  53. I've been waiting for this post! I'm not above begging God for things, and you can believe that I'm begging Him that your wait ends here.

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  54. Amazing news! Saying some prayers that this is it!!!

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  55. My phone wouldn't let me comment over the weekend... so a belated congrats!!!!! I will be praying for you, your family, and the baby's family.

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  56. That verse you shared is so perfect. All God's ways are mercy.

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  57. Tears of joy being shed this morning for you and Matt. So very, very excited for you again; keeping you and your whole family close to my heart and in my thoughts over these next couple of months!

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  58. Wonderful news! I am praying for you, the birth family and the sweet little baby. Prayers that this will work out in the best interest for all involved.

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  59. i was hoping this was the news you were going to share! praying praying praying that all works out for you!

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  60. I didn't get online this weekend....so I'm just now reading this! How wonderful! I can only imagine how raw that wound from the fall must still feel, but I'll be praying that you can experience joy in this experience...and that you guys get to bring that sweet baby home. I think it's WONDERFUL how you phrased working with the birth mother for what's best for the baby...and I know you felt that way before...so I'm praying that this experience goes without heartache for you guys. That you get to be a part of loving this sweet baby girl. I will also be praying for that courageous momma who is preparing to give her baby to you guys. I can only imagine what you are all feeling. God works all things together for good...and even more so now with this great news!

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  61. Erika,

    We have only "chatted" (emailed) once, but I am so very excited for you. I had tears streaming down my face as I read this. Yes, I do have a crazy sensitive heart that feels for other people. :) I will be praying for you and your family. Congratulations!!!

    Lee Ann

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  62. Oh such wonderful news! Hoping for the best for you!

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  63. that is seriously the happiest news I have heard in a long time. will be praying for everyone involved and am so looking forward to lots of pics of you with a sweet little one in your arms!

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  64. Oh man - I read this last weekend on my phone and was dying to get to a computer to say how incredibly excited I am for you guys! I know you need to guard your heart in this situation, but in the meantime I'll rejoice and pray and be happy for you until you can feel free to do the same.

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  65. YAY!!! I am so excited for you guys and am praying for you, J, and baby girl. August is so close!!! Can't wait!!!

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  66. Argh! I hate that I'm just now seeing this!!! Excited for you and praying SO hard for everyone involved. WOW!

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  67. Such wonderful news and I'll definitely be praying for all of you. You and Matt will make great parents!

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  68. I've got goosebumps all over. I am so pumped for you guys. Sending prayers and hugs your way!! YAY!!!

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  69. I am so happy to read this! Will be praying for you and all involved. Can't wait for August!

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  70. Oh! Thank you for sharing you & M's news w/ the blog world.
    I got teary for the two of you.

    sending prayers over this from Ca

    you are going to make wonderful parents.

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  71. YES!!! You are going to make a wonderful mother! Congratulations to you. Praying for you all.

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  72. This is wonderful news! I will be praying for the birth mom, baby, your families and of course you two!

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  73. Amazing news! Very exciting!
    Try not to focus on any of the negatives - not everyone is like the last 'people'.

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  74. In all the hub bub of my brothers wedding I did not see this post. I am completely overjoyed for you and your family. You are going to be amazing amazing parents.

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  75. So, I've been the worst with keeping up with blogs and blog friends, but decided I should check bloglivin' since you've been on my heart a lot lately and up pips this post. Erika, I'm sooo excited for you!! Praying for you guys!!

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  76. I have not been checking blogs regularly, but was catching up on yours (basically reading like 100 in the last thirty minutes- ha ha), and I saw this post. I can completely understand the nerves and wanting to remain "objective"and also bubbling over with hope and joy at the same time. You are going to be the BEST mom!!!!!! Praying for you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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