Tuesday, July 28, 2015

this time last year

I've found myself thinking a lot lately about what life was like a year ago at this time. 

To be honest, it sucked.

I don't know if there are adequate words in the English language to describe the particular feeling of hope and overwhelming fear that surrounds someone who is days away from their maybe-baby's due date. I remember, though. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up every single waking minute of every day. I've never experienced morning sickness, but maybe it's something like that- only this nausea is from panic and fear, not hormones. I remember just wanting to be able to turn off my brain. To relax for just FIVE MINUTES. To not be frantically wondering what was going to happen in an hour, a day, or a week. To just KNOW whether we were going to leave the hospital with a baby this time, and if we did, then would we make it through the ten days and still have a baby in our arms. Last year at this time, we were celebrating last everythings...and trying desperately to believe that they were truly our lasts. To be honest, I can barely even stomach reading my own posts from a year ago. I remember so vividly how terrified I was...it just kinda makes me feel sick all over again. Even though I know how the story ends...I will never, ever forget what it felt like in the days before redemption came.


Yo, Mom. Enough talk about redemption- how about a cold beverage while I get my relaxation on?
Life isn't stress-free now, but praise Jesus, all my current stressors are so gloriously mundane they're nearly laughable.

Work. It's been really stressful the last few months. It gets me down sometimes. But you wanna know what's awesome about work stress? EVERYONE IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS IT. Practically everyone has experienced it personally at some time or another. When you want to complain to someone- a friend, a parent, a random checker at the grocery store- about how work has been overwhelming lately, THEY GET IT. And they don't try to offer ridiculous platitudes and "promises" with no legitimate basis (I'm looking at you, "God won't give you more than you can handle"...). 

And although Millie is truly one of the easiest and most un-stress-inducing babies I've ever known or heard of, even parenthood isn't entirely stress-free. But you wanna know what is the most awesome stress ever? Parenthood stress. Because it means I am a parent. So it makes it pretty easy to keep things in perspective. 

Still, Millie's health has kinda sucked the past few months (in a really, really non-serious way...not at all trying to compare her to kids with SERIOUS medical issues and conditions). She got tubes in her ears last week, and although it's probably the simplest surgery in the world, it was still a little stressful knowing that she would be under general anesthesia and signing the paperwork that says you understand that surgery could result in loss of limbs and/or death...which seems a little unlikely, but still. 


But I like my limbs, Mommy.

What's going on? Why are we awake so early? WHERE IS MY FOOD?

Another picture, Mama? On an empty tummy? Really? I can't even.
And so the bottom line is this: if I even start to mentally complain about stress these days, I can cut myself off pretty quickly by thinking back to last year at this time. Then I just have to laugh at my present-day self. And when I laugh, Millie laughs, because she thinks laughing is great. And then everything is better, because there is nothing better than a happy, laughing baby.

A happy, laughing baby calls me Mama, yall. Everything was worth it.

19 comments:

  1. This post made me laugh (Millie's captions always make my day!) and also remember how many prayers were being sent up on your behalf this time last year. I'm both so sorry, and so happy, that you get to deal with parent stress, even if it is non-serious, it is still frustrating and stressful (for lack of a better word).

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  2. LOVE this!!! :) :) So love what God has done in your story! So glad those days of overwhelming fear are over & that Millie is yours. :)

    P.S. Your captions crack me up!

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  3. I love everything about this. The end.

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  5. As a mama who has walked the same road, I feel you, especially on the anxiety/nausea stuff. When we went though it there was even a time where I got so sick I vomited blood (it ended up being an ulcer from the stress of it all) 😕 There is nothing like it, and so few understand. My heart is overjoyed that your redemption came. ❤️ Lots of love to Millie as her bday approaches!

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  6. I was thinking about you today. A set of pictures of adoptive parents waiting in the hospital for the baby to be born and them meeting for the first time showed up a couple times on my Facebook and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about you and Millie.

    I hope the tubes help with her health! I had tubes when I was little and my parents said I was a totally different kiddo after. Gracie had a minor surgery last month and i had those same feelings you did.

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  7. I was thinking about you today. A set of pictures of adoptive parents waiting in the hospital for the baby to be born and them meeting for the first time showed up a couple times on my Facebook and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about you and Millie.

    I hope the tubes help with her health! I had tubes when I was little and my parents said I was a totally different kiddo after. Gracie had a minor surgery last month and i had those same feelings you did.

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  8. I refuse to read last year's post. This year is way better!
    Millie is super adorbs in her little hospital gown. I'm a sucker for babies in those gowns...don't know why?! ;) Many years ago our boys had tubes and what a difference it made in their lives.

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  9. I remember being terrified for you, and now it's almost hard to even remember how desperate ALL of us were for you to have a baby in your arms and bring that baby home... hard to believe that "baby" is about to turn 1, sniff sniff!

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  10. So very thankful for your story of redemption... AND the fact that Millie's limbs all remained in tact!

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  11. Love this so much!! Reminds me that God redeems even the most yucky stuff and turns it into something beautiful. :)

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  12. Goodness, this is a good post. Just remembering, it's ok to handle your stuff....but also put it in perspective. Needed this.

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  13. A lot can change in a year span, its really crazy. Looking back is always a reminder of what many more good things are to come ur way.

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  14. Your story is truly one of the best!! This also reminds me that when things are bad they really aren't THAT bad :)

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  15. You know the best part of this? How MUCH Milie is loved by you and Matt because of your journey to her. She is one lucky little girl :)

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  16. LOVE this. So very blessed! XO

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  17. Beautiful Erica. The captions are hilarious and the redemption story is so so perfect. <3

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  18. Love this. There has been so many times where I thought I felt sad/stressed but then tell myself "I know what true sadness is and it's not this." That being said, we are still allowed to feel down sometimes, but our past puts everything in perspective.

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  19. work stress . . . a little one who needs tubes thank you for sharing honestly about your life Erika

    what a testament to God's plan that Miss. Millie is part of your and Matt's loving family

    Hope the tubes make her feel better and the season of work stress passes.

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