Tuesday, December 10, 2013

on happy endings

There are three notable anniversaries in my life this week. Two-thirds of them suck.

Yesterday, 12/9, was the one-month anniversary of The Worst Day Ever- the day we lost our daughter-to-be (I find that I don't really know how to refer to her. Can I call her our daughter? She was for two and a half days. But halfway through November 9, she ceased being so. So I don't know what to call her. And saying her name makes me cry). For obvious reasons, this is a sucky anniversary.

Thursday, 12/12, will be my 31st birthday. I hope it will be a good day. I like birthdays and presents and feeling special. So it will probably be a happy day of celebration.

Thursday, 12/12, will also be the five-year anniversary of our 'trying to conceive' journey. Five years. Done. Nothing to show for it. December 13 will be my SIXTH CONSECUTIVE DECEMBER 13 of trying to be a mom. Obviously this is a terrible, terrible anniversary. One I never EVER thought I'd be 'celebrating.' Good grief. If you ever hear that someone plans to start TTCing on their birthday-- DO ANYTHING YOU CAN TO STOP THEM. Don't let them ruin their birthday for the rest of their lives (assuming their journey goes as poorly as mine has). Oh, to be so young and naive again...

I was thinking about this last night. This long stupid 'journey' (to put it nicely). Five years...and no happy ending. And then I thought about happy endings. And how much everyone loves them. And how it's what you root for, hope for, and long for. My 'happy ending' would be a child-- or better yet, more than one. It's the end goal. And obviously, assuming I ever reach the goal...it's not the end of anything. Maybe just a long-awaited conclusion to but one of the 'story arcs' in my life. But right now it's the only happy ending I can imagine. And once I get it, I know more struggles will come and there will be new journeys and new challenges and I'll have new happy endings to set my sights on. But right now, and for the last five years, it's been the only one I want.

But not every story has a happy ending. And I'm not saying that to be depressing or woe is me. But it's true. I started thinking, and I realized that many- if not most- of my favorite stories actually DON'T have happy endings. And yet they're still my favorite stories.

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Did you watch Lost? It's one of my favorite shows ever. EVER. One of the best stories ever, I think. If you've never watched, here's what you need to know: the story begins with a seemingly simple problem- a huge plane crashes onto an island. The people want to get off the island. But as the episodes unfold, over seasons and years, there are layers and layers and LAYERS and PILES OF LAYERS of mystery, coincidences, stories, backstories, random stories that go nowhere, more mysteries, characters...all this stuff builds and builds. There are so many storylines that you forget what the original question even was. There are characters that seem major and then they just disappear (off the island and the story). There are questions that never get answered. But somehow the writers keep making you think that somehow it all ties together. Somehow there are answers to all of the questions, and somehow it's all going to make sense in the end. And so we pressed on through seasons and seasons of amazing storytelling...enjoying each episode as it happened. Anxiously awaiting what would happen next. And dying to know what it all meant. 

I couldn't wait for the series finale. I couldn't wait for it all to be unveiled, to figure out how it all worked. To know the meaning of a million different disconnected pieces...to see what the puzzle turned out to be.

And then the finale came, and it sucked. I mean, it was okay. But it pretty much sucked. It didn't answer our questions. It maybe even opened up a few new ones. And so all these things we'd been waiting and waiting to see some resolution about...it didn't happen. We didn't get our happy ending.

And yet...it's the best TV series I've ever seen. Even though there was no happy ending. The show was still worth it. I can watch it now, and even though I know that my questions aren't going to get answered...that I'll never know why this particular storyline appeared and then disappeared...why this character did this or that...well, it doesn't really matter. I know there's no happy ending now, but it's still a damn good story. 

All my favorite young adult dystopian novels? Great stories, crappy endings. Love 'em anyway. At least in my books and movies, I've grown to appreciate the fact that great stories don't always have happy endings. Do I prefer happy endings? Absolutely, without a doubt, hands down YES. But the lack of a happy ending doesn't mean that a story sucks. Some stories have a higher purpose than to make the reader feel good at the end, I guess.

And so now I've compared my own life to award-winning TV shows and novels...because I guess it's another attempt to convince myself that my lack of 'happy endings' in my own life doesn't mean that my life isn't or can't be meaningful. My story doesn't have to suck just because my obvious goal hasn't been reached. And when I look at a particular 'story arc,' like our failed adoption, I always want to know what the point of it was. Why did we go through that if it was all for nothing? Why couldn't we have never heard about that baby? Why couldn't the mom have never considered adoption or picked us? And I hate story lines like that. Well, I hate them when I'm the one that has to live through them. But I'm trying to remind myself that not every story, or even story-within-a-story, has a happy ending. But it's okay. The overall tale can still be meaningful-- even beautiful-- even with dissatisfying stories within.
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So I'll embark on another year of life. Another year of trying to have a family of 3+. Another month without our sweet baby. And I'll try to remember. Happy endings are nice...but even without them, life can be beautiful.

37 comments:

  1. Great post. Hang in there this week and have a great birthday celebration! You are awesome for finding happiness in the journey, not just the resolution. Hugs!

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  2. happy [almost] birthday. i'm sorry its surrounded by such sad reminders but i hope that your friends, family, and husband make you feel extra special so that you can find happiness on that day. you deserve it.

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  3. Erika,
    You're right these "anniversaries" suck. Hard. But you are also right about life continuing to be beautiful. You can't always see it when you are in the middle of it though, right? I'm sorry for your pain and loss. I hope you have a birthday full of love, laughter, and beautiful distractions. :)
    Jill

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  4. Praying for you, that this week finds you resting in God's perfect peace and that your birthday is filled with joy. You and Matt are on our hearts daily.

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  5. What a beautiful post, friend! The way you have chosen to look at life is such an inspiration and blessing to others. And hoping that 1 of those 3 anniversaries is so fabulous that the pain of the other two is not so great.

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  6. Blessings to you, Erika. We strive for that happy ending, but, you're right, life can be okay until we reach the end (happy or sad). Gosh, it just sucks so bad that this journey has to last so long. I hope you are reminded of only happy things on 12/12. Happy birthday, beautiful!!!

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  7. Fabulous post, Erika! A wonderful perspective and a good reminder for us all! I'm hoping that your birthday is full of love, laughter, Urban Decay and zero sadness! Thinking of you!

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  8. Well, I really, REALLY, hope that you have a WONDERFUL birthday. So wonderful that it helps to get you through the other anniversary that your birthday documents. I'm praying so hard for you that YOUR story does not end up like the LOST series finale (btw, best show EV-ER!). You deserve a happy ending much more than Hugo, Kate, Sawyer... etc! xoxo

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  9. I've learned that sometimes, the happy endings don't come until Heaven. Kind of a hard one to wrap my mind around, I know it's true. I have a feeling you'll probably have the most giant of crowns of there and the rest of us will be jealous.

    PS. I hated Lost. If life doesn't give us all the answers, then at least TV shows sure need to.

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  10. You are such a strong woman. I know you are right that not all stories have to have happy endings, but it is normal to wonder why your personal story has to unfold the way it does. I hope that this is the last anniversary you will be "celebrating" of ttc

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  11. So beautiful, and such a great perspective.

    One of the things that I love about dystopian novels is that even in the darkness, there is always some bit of hope, even if the end isn't maybe what we thought it would be. I guess the difference between life and novels, though, is that you know what you're getting into when you pick up a book. You are such a beacon of hope in spite of all the circumstances life has thrown at you, and I am glad to "know" you.

    Hope your birthday is full of all the things you love!

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  12. Sounds like something extra awesome needs to happen on your birthday so it can overshadow the unawesomeness of the other crappy anniversaries, agreed?

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  13. I'm not a hugger, but I sorta wanna hug you. Which I get, is strange, cause I'm some stranger from Alabama living in Arizona. Aside from all that, I will say I did go for 5 years of pill popping, IUIs, scans, scrapings, temps, sperm samples and more and I had "zero" to show for it. It sucks and it hurts and it makes you hate life. But a miracle did happen and it can happen for you too - in some format. So, happy early birthday, (this all still sucks) but try to have a wonderful "YOU" day. Miracles happen! PS - I'm thinking about all the grammar mistakes (commas, etc.) that are probably in this post and you are noticing them and you hate them - but I don't care! lol

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  14. When I was in the throes of despair (it sounds dramatic, but it's true!) a phrase that I always repeated to myself was this: "Maybe I'm not fertile, but I'm still able to bear fruit." I know that you have born so much fruit and lightened the loads of so many women in our worst hours.

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  15. Lost's ending still drives me nuts. I want my questions answered! lol! And I basically know that I'm not going to get a happy ending if I'm reading a dystopian novel. I'm going to get one I'm content with or okay with but definitely not a happy, all the loose ends are tied together ending.

    I'm praying for y'all. I have no idea how hard this must be. I am so sorry for your loss. I know God has a plan for you and your story, it's so hard waiting to see what that is. I wish there were words I could say to make it better. You are so strong and I admire you.

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  16. You are a beautiful person and I believe that you and Matt will have your happy ending.

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  17. Oh my goodness. What a week of "versaries" you will have. First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I am praying for you this year. I hope it is your year. We started trying around my birthday, so totally can relate to the angst that birthdays now bring. Second off, amen to all the rest, the non-happy endings. I think we always look for the happy ending, but we can so easily fail to see the whole picture. We love those stories because they captivate us over time and even when the ending sucks, we look over it because there is so much more to the story than how it ends. It is hard to not look for your ending in sight, but if I can encourage you in any way, hang in there and keep trying to enjoy this ride. Someday we will look back on our infertility journeys and see more than we know now.

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  18. Beautiful post Erika! I'm sorry the time around your birthday is filled with sad things but I am hoping you have a very happy Ulta filled birthday!! I just know your story WILL have that happy ending :)

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  19. I want to be right - signing my Christmas cards. Is this right?

    Harrison, Whitney, Jason, Ben, and Sofia

    I use the comma before "and", yes?

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  20. Hugs friend! Suckaversary! Blah!!! I'm sorry you have to deal with heartache. But, I hope you have a truly amazing 31st birthday celebration.

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  21. Our daughter's birthmom's birthday is Thursday also! Wish the rest of the week wasn't filled with bad anniversaries for you.
    And you're right- life can be beautiful even without the happy endings. I saw a quote recently that said something to the effect of, "Not every story in this life has a happy ending but this life isn't the end of the story."
    Someday, friend... praying that this will be your celebratory year! Happy early birthday!

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  22. Hope you have the most happiest of birthdays! The Lord makes a promise to each and every one of us that joy always comes in the morning and that everything the enemy intends for harm, he will bring justice and blessings to!! Believing that for you girl! Big things are coming!

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  23. So much truth in this post, sweet friend.

    When everything around us is crashing in and our life plans seems so out of reach, God still is at work and still works, daily, to make our lives beautiful. We just got to keep looking for the good and celebrating those, despite the hurt.

    Hugs!

    AND HAPPY EARLY BDAY!

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  24. I wish we could come up with a special name for sucky anniversaries and and one for the good anniversaries. You should do that.

    Lost got too weird for me. Then I was happy that everyone hated the ending because I felt like I could yell I told you so to everyone.

    Hugs!

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  25. I ALWAYS get made fun of for recommending books that don't have happy endings. I just find them more realistic. Nothing irritates me more than when every conflict gets wrapped up neatly with a little bow. That's not how it goes! Life is messy and ridiculous and painfully sad, dammit! Stop acting like it's all sunshine and roses, stupid authors!

    TTC anniversaries are tough. Ours is technically our wedding anniversary, so yeah, it kind of sucks to have it associated with such a happy day. I can totally commiserate.

    I really hope you have a great birthday and also that you do get that elusive happy ending.

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  26. You are such a wonderful writer! I love this post, even though I don't love the truth you're saying. Make sense? Like I totally agree, but hate that I agree that life has terrible endings at times.

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  27. Great post - I've been reading your blog for a long time now, anonymously. I just wanted to pop in now and say Happy (early) Birthday, and you are in my thoughts. I have so much hope that you will have your baby, somehow, someway. If you reach a day that you run out of hope for yourself (and I've been there, I know those days are plenty), come talk to me, I have hope for you.

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  28. So beautifully written. I hate that there is pain but your story is beautiful, and inspirational to others, myself included. I hope the good celebrations far surpass the unfun this week.

    Lost!? Yes! Now I want to watch some reruns.

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  29. Great post. So, so true. About Lost and about life.

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  30. And you've reduced me to tears. I love your beautiful story; I still believe God is already at work redeeming the situations that seem hopeless. Birthday hugs!

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  31. First- Happy Birthday!! Second this is one of the best posts I have ever read. I am book marking it and saving it for those bad days. Those days we dont understand why. Those days we aren't sure of our selves. This should be all of our anthems. No matter your journey or your struggle- this. This is good good stuff.

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  32. My favorite cliche quote that applies here: "Everything's ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

    Also, I think everyone that knows you (or reads this) would agree that your story has been "something beautiful," regardless of how it has "ended" so far!! Love you!

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  33. Hang in there. I know you will be a mom someday. This blog has been one of the best blogs I've read this year, because of your honesty and humor . . . I'm just sorry it's been such a rough year for you. Just hang in there, it will get better. Thank you!

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  34. You will get your happy ending, don't give up. Thank you for sharing such a honest and real post. Take care!

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  35. First of all, you definitely had a daughter. Don't even question that. You were a mom for those 2 1/2 days and I'm just so sorry it ended.

    Second of all I really hope and pray that you get your happy ending to the growing your family story arc. I want that happy ending for you more than you'll ever know.

    I really admire how you continue to share your life with us and your thoughts and how you're so honest about the ups and downs of life. Thank you for being you Erika.

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  36. I am obviously coming late to the game, but I found your blog a little while ago while going through IVF. I just wanted to tell you - yes - she was your daughter. You were her mother. I admire you for putting your life up there for everyone. I still struggle when I write to be completely open and honest. It does bring comfort to people to let them know they arent alone when they struggle to have babies (I think I found your blog on The Bump - so people are reading, for sure).

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