Thursday, May 31, 2012

coping mechanisms

Last night I had an emotional breakdown. A sobbing, can't-hardly-breathe, mascara streaming down your face, neck, and chest, full-out ugly cry. I used to do this kind of thing frequently. Lately, though, it's been less often. I'd like to think I'm growing more emotionally stable as I enter old age and my millionth year of dealing with infertility. Tonight proved me wrong, I guess.

Wanna know what caused this horrid display of weakness? It's probably not what you're thinking.

My squash and zucchini plants are probably not going to make it. Year number THREE of succumbing to the squash bugs despite my constant vigilance, my ceaseless checking, my by-the-books application of PESTICIDE, which I am totally opposed to doing but did anyway because NOTHING ELSE WORKED...and despite ALL OF THAT (to say nothing of the hours I've spent pruning, tending, talking to, and photographing)...those bastard bugs have the nerve to come KILL MY BABIES? After I've only had the pleasure of harvesting two zucchini and two squash??! I completely lost it. LOST IT. SOBBING IN THE VEGETABLE GARDEN.

Apparently my emotional stability is easily unhinged. But seriously, junk like this just makes me really mad. Like...don't I have enough crappy stuff going on in my life? Seriously, God?? Seriously, you couldn't just let my stupid squash plants live? That was too much to ask? Yeah, cool, whatever. 

I managed to self-medicate and stop hating life after a few hours. Here's what helped:

1. This song

We do our cooldown to this song at Zumba sometimes and I LOVE IT. The problem is, it totally makes me want to dance. I used to be a dancer...and something about this song just stirs my soul and makes me LONG for some beautiful choreography...ugh. So last night I listened to that song about one million times (haha no exaggerating, ask Matt) while I paid bills and mentally choreographed.

2. Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" memes.

No seriously, these are my most favorite thing ever right now. Especially the teaching and crafting-themed ones. I laugh so hard I cry sometimes. Thank you to everyone in the world who think of making these things, and also to the people who pin and repin them so that I can find them. I owe you my sanity. A few faves:

Source: via Erika on Pinterest


OK I'll stop now, but I seriously feel happier with every one I find. So thanks, Cascada and Ryan Gosling. You might not be able to save my veggies, but at least you made me smile.

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  1. Try not to beat your self up for having an unexpected emotional moment. . . its ok to let it all out. . . even in your veggie garden!! :)

  2. Hey, that might set me off, too... you pour your heart and soul into your gardening, so I think it is perfectly natural to take it personally when it doesn't do well! But I'm sorry you had a breakdown :( Since it's my birthday and I get to call the shots, I demand you have a better day today. Ok? Ok.

  3. Boo to your breakdown, but glad you eventually cheered up... Ryan Gosling cures all ills if you ask me. Love you, friend!

  4. "as I enter old age..." You crack me up!

    On a serious note, though, sorry about the breakdown. I would be super upset about the squash bugs, too! And those Ryan Gosling memes? Perfection.

  5. Hi Erika! I found you from E's blog a couple weeks ago. I've been reading your updates ever since. A fellow sufferer of infertility, I just had to comment on this post. I had a similar meltdown: can't-deal-with-this-anymore, hysterically crying breakdown with tears ALL over the place moment this past weekend after dropping two coffees ALL OVER the entrance into my house. It's amazing how sometimes, something that's totally unrelated really can be "the straw that breaks the camel's back"... Hang in there!

  6. I'm so gla you did cry and just let it all out! Every now and then we need that and hey, if squash sets it off then by all means, go for it. Sorry to hear about it though. I am praying for you, friend!

    And those Ryan Gosling memes.. Yummy.

  7. Infertility stinks, sorry about your breakdown. =( But happy to hear you were able to cheer yourself up, those Ryan Gosling memes are the greatest thing ever!!

  8. Sorry to hear about your sadness, but I'm glad you know yourself well enough to get outta the moods that come with the challenges of infertility. On a side note, want to know something crazy? Ryan Gosling doesn't even think he's good looking!? and I quote" I'm not that good-looking. I think I'm a pretty weird looking guy" Crazy eh? I know! I told ya

  9. Bursts of ugly crying are to be expected, necessary even. You know about my recent one out of the blue. It's just so bottled up in us when we go so long without releasing it, it can be turned on by any event, no matter how small. It's good for the soul to get it out and thankfully, you have a safe place to share it with people who not only can sympathize, but have been there themselves.

  10. Oh and who knows...maybe your tears will help the plants grow. :)

  11. One time I cried about ice cream. No, I'm not joking. It was a low point. I love the Ryan Gosling meme's as well. Sad note? I just learned what meme's meant last week.

  12. As soon as I find some good non ripe mangos, I will send you a box as consolation for your poor little squash plants....and a meme picture of Ryan gosling to hang on your wall. Matty won't mind. Love you. "Even the darkness wil not be dark to You..."

  13. I love the Ryan Gosling homeschooling memes. They make me laugh until I cry and even caused me once to totally roll off of the bed. Seriously. Bran was like .0002 seconds from having me admitted to the psych ward. So there is a laugh at my expense. ;)

    RE: Ugly cries. I think we all do it. I totally had a fit the other night and I can't even remember what set it off. I almost hyperventilated! Hang in there. I cry alot in the shower, because then I can convince myself that ALL of that isn't tears because the shower water is mixing with my tears and I just cried a little bit. Until I walk out with a splotchy face and aching eyes and it is extremely obvious I just let a few gallons of tears out. :/

  14. You should do all of these things PLUS listen to Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine and eat lots of ice cream (preferably chocolate with TJ's peanut butter mixed in)... I've had a rough month (still, not comparing to yours) between car accident and sickness with no health insurance. But I love me some Florence ("it's always darkest before the dawn")! Love you, girl!

  15. Hey- I agree- just have to let it out sometimes, fall apart , get ourselves back together ( with God's help of course).., heavens..., my breakdowns would be like never ending if not for music and mercy. I wasn't able to open your link to THE SONG- I was a dancer as well- and still choreograph in my head - sometimes entire themed shows !!!
    I would love to know what song it is if you have a sec. Thanks!!!!!