Thursday, August 22, 2013

today I woke up crying.

Last night I dreamed I had a baby. And I woke up sobbing this morning.

It was a beautiful dream. And to be honest, I haven't had a dream about being a mother in a very, very long time. Maybe a year. I'm not in the habit of it, and that is a-okay with me. Because I hate it. Not the dream part. But the part where you wake up and realize that none of it is true. Maybe none of it will ever be true.

In the dream I had just had the baby- via c-section. I was just waking up from the surgery and hadn't yet seen the baby, whom I knew was a girl. As I sat up (I felt great! And also I was in my bed in my parents' house, ha. A homebirth c-section? Sure, why not.) I could hear everyone downstairs fussing over the baby. My baby. And I couldn't wait for them to bring her up so that I could meet her. My grandfather was the one who brought her up to me-- he's in his late eighties and very wobbly...I was so scared he was going to drop her, but he made it just fine. I held my baby and it was the best thing I'd ever done in my whole life.


Like this- only for once it was my baby and not my niece. In the dream, while I held her, Matt came in. We called her by name--THE name. The name we have always held on to, the name our daughter, should we ever have one, will be named. The name of the baby we've prayed for for so long. I couldn't believe that the name finally had a baby to go with it. It was as surreal and magical in the dream as I imagine it would be if it ever happened in real life. The 'me' in the dream was the real me...the me of today, the me that has spent the last five years watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies. The me that's spent years holding back tears (or not) as pregnancies get announced and birth announcements get opened. The me that still goes to visit new babies in hospitals, crying the whole way home in the car in fear that it will never be me on the receiving end of those visits. That was the me in the dream last night, the one who finally FINALLY got her heart's desire. And it was the most wonderful few minutes of my life, staring at my baby's perfect face. The most wonderful minutes of my life. But it was only a dream.

And I woke up and started crying, because it was only a dream. It may only ever be a dream.

Matt said "no, that's a happy dream. That's good! Maybe it's a sign!"

But I've had too many signs, too many years of things that made me feel happy only to crush my hopes again later. And so I can't feel happy about it. I am sad that I had the dream because now I have to deal with these stupid emotions again. Instead of waking up feeling cautiously optimistic but completely emotionally detached, as I prefer, now I'm sad again. Now I remember what I don't have. As if spending all day every day watching everyone else live out my dream isn't enough reminding. Now it has to haunt my dreams, too. And the few minutes of imaginary bliss aren't worth it. Now I have to live today with those images haunting my mind. It's 8 a.m. and I've already cried off my makeup- twice. And I hate that. 

So I'll dry my tears again and try to pull myself together. Unfortunately, today's just another day where I don't wake up and get to snuggle my baby. I don't get to complain about being tired from feeding my baby all night. I don't get to argue with my husband about whose turn it is to change diapers. Again. I'm pretty good at living this non-baby life, and most of the time I can even find something in it to be happy about. It's just a little harder today. I hate days that start in tears. 

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning."- Lamentations 3:20-23, NLT (emphasis mine)

54 comments:

  1. Oh Erika. I'm so sorry. I'm sad with you today. Sending you lots of love and hugs today friend. And I'm praying that your dreams come true so very soon. I will still dare to hope on your behalf when you need to take a break from it too, okay?

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  2. Ughhh! I'm so sorry friend... so, so sorry! I hate baby dreams. Literally the worst. And the dream sounded SO wonderful too (err, minus the home c-section)!

    Praying with you that you do, in fact, get to use THE name one day. Hoping for you when you can't! Love you friend!

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  3. :( :( :(

    Praying for you, as always, and choosing to hope along with Matt that it was a good dream and a good sign...

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  5. This brought me to tears, especially when I read that you woke up sobbing. My heart hurts for you, and I wish so badly that I could help. I'm not an overly optimistic person, but in this instance, I desperately want Matt to be right. I hope this really is a sign, and I pray that your dream really does come true. (Well, minus the home C-section thing...that sounds kind of unsanitary...and everyone else getting to hold your baby before you do doesn't seem very fair!)

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  6. My heart breaks for you! Hope you can feel the big virtual hug I am sending!!! Infertility stinks...no two ways about it. Let all those tears our, my friend. xoxo

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  7. I have no good words - bless your heart! I'm sending a big virtual hug and keeping you in my prayers each day.

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  8. Oh Erika, I am so sorry. I pray that God will wipe every tear from your eyes and that those tears won't be in vain. Everybody loves you and we all grieve with you.

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  9. I hate this, and I hate that there are no words to make it better. I am crying with you, and I am hoping for you. Hugs and prayers.

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  10. Bless your sweet heart. I know exactly, exactly how that feels. It is the most horrible feeling to wake up and realize none of it is true. My heart just broke reading this because I know so well what you mean. I do believe it is a sign maybe for things to come, you'll get that sweet miracle one day and it WILL BE REAL. With Matt's numbers better, you can't help but hope that things will be better. They will get better, they always do.

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  11. Oh my sweet, sweet friend. I am praying for you right now. It is so hard to have those dreams, where they feel like reality. You never want to wake up. But you are right, great is HIS faithfulness. He is true and faithful even in our darkest moments. Praying that you make it through the day with makeup still on and a smile on your face.

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  12. Now I must pull myself together. And admit something on here that I hope my friends and family don't see, but that we are trying for #2 and honestly, I have about 8 blog friends that I think of each month as AF comes again. I think of you guys and hate myself for being so frustrated on not getting pregnant after just a few months of trying. I think of you guys and know how much longer you've tried. And who knows, maybe my body has changed and won't allow me to have #2 and we can commiserate together, but for now I feel guilty. I finally have a glimpse (but only a tiny glimpse) at your struggle and it breaks my heart. Either way, you WILL be a mom someday, however it happens, and you'll get to snuggle your baby and complain about not getting sleep soon enough. :)

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  13. That is hard. Let yourself feel sad today. It's allowed.

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  14. My heart breaks for you :( I am praying that this is a good sign of what's to come for you. ((HUGS))

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  15. Oh Erika, I am so sorry... I know you already know this, but you are not alone in your feelings. I hope and pray that soon your dreams will become a reality.

    I totally hear you on not believing in the signs anymore. For my last IVF, I had EVERY SIGN POSSIBLE that it was going to work, and of course it didn't. It's good to allow yourself to have bad days. To cry it out once in a while.

    I know you will become a Mom soon, and I can't wait to read all about it!

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  16. This really hurts my heart. :[ I am so sorry that you have to experience this pain today, and so many other days. I will keep praying for you and for a baby to find it's way into your life. I know that you will be a Mom some day and I can't wait to see those joyous posts. Don't lose hope, I hope you find something good to do today to help ease this pain. *hugs*

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  17. I think this is a dream of encouragement from the Lord - The Lord speaks through dreams (as he has been doing with me lately too). I hope you can find this encouraging, not discouraging!

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  18. I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry you're having a hard day and that you're still waiting for your dream. I will continue praying for you as always. And if there is any possible way for tonight to be more tolerable and pleasant for you, please tell us.

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  19. Ugh. All I can think of to say is that I am so sorry. You should not have to experience this. NO ONE should. But maybe Matt is right. I choose to follow his thinking about this one. A sign of things to come.

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  20. Prayers for the peace that only He can give.

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  21. I hope reading the comments today helps put a little smile back on your face - I am thinking of you today friend!! The optimistic in me wants to believe that matt is right!

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  22. Your dream is beautiful and I truly hope it is a good sign. Can't wait to someday find out what THE name is :)) Thinking of you xoxo

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  23. Tears streaming down my face as I read this. My heart breaks for you and these words brought back memories of my own painful (though different) struggle with infertility.

    As hard as I'm sure this post was to write, I think it's great that you are sharing: This gives others who haven't struggled with infertility a glimpse into how difficult and heartbreaking infertility truly is.

    Bless you! And praying for you!

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  24. I am sad that you are sad...I hope that very soon you are having a deja vu moment about this dream!

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  25. I had one of those dreams a while back myself. They're so real you can taste it, and then it's gone when you wake up. Hurting with you today.

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  26. I hate those dreams that feel so real! I'm glad it was a good dream though but sad that you had to wake up to a harsh reality. I'm praying for this dream to come true without the at home c-section, that's not advisable.

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  27. Oh Erika. I get a lump in my throat, my eyes start to fill and heart goes out to you.
    I am sorry you have to feel this pain. The ache.

    Thank you for sharing and writing so candidly. Allow yourself good days and hard days it's ok to be sad. You are in my prayers.

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  28. My heart breaks for you. I have struggled for years with infertility. I was given many reasons why I would never be able to conceive, but I did multiple times. However, I never got to hold my babies. They are in heaven now, but my heart still longs for a baby here on earth. I have been praying for you, and I will continue to pray that one day, on this earth, you will hold your child.

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  29. That's so tough, girl. I'm so sorry. I do love that verse though- it's a good one to hold on to when you feel as if there's nothing left to believe in.

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  30. I know there's nothing we can say but know I'm sending happy vibes and prayers and cyber hugs!

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  31. I want to give you a great big cross country hug. I have been praying for the two of you. And I will continue to pray that your dream comes true... well not the home c-section, unless that is really what you want :)

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  32. Well, now I'm crying right along with you. You just have such a way of capturing emotions with words that I'm always nodding along like, "YES, absolutely, me too."

    I had the most vivid dream about meeting my baby a couple of days before the second miscarriage. Being pregnant at the time, I figured it was meant to reassure me. But then no, it was like the baby came to say goodbye? Or it was a future baby? I don't know. I just know it was so real and we saw her little face and when I woke up I was devastated that it wasn't real. Even in my dream, the overwhelming feeling I felt was relief that it was finally OVER.

    You'll have that little girl. You'll have her. There's just no possible way that it won't happen for you some way, somehow. You are amazingly strong all the time and to have a bad day here and there is downright normal, and frankly therapeutic, too.

    My prayers are with you tonight, that you'll be comforted and that your faith will stay strong. Also sending you a gigantic hug right...now!

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  33. I'm so sorry :(. I'm sorry that you woke up from such a beautiful dream. I'm sorry that life is so unfair and that you have to live this nightmare :(. Praying that this dream comes true. xoxo

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  34. Oh, Erika!! *hugs and tears and more hugs* I am so sorry! Praying you will feel God's comforting arms hold you. Hoping with you He makes your dream come true!

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  35. I remember those dreams well... my favorite was when I dreamed I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test and woke up immediately to realize my period had started (during a Femara cycle). Fun times.

    BUT I do think God can speak to us/teach us through dreams so I'm clinging to the idea that He gave you that dream as a sign of hope :)

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  36. Praying like others that your dream becomes reality very soon. When Charles and I talk to Jesus we pray for you and Matt.

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  37. My heart is heavy for you today. I read this, and with tears in my eyes I began to pray the The Lord would hold you close today. That you would feel his peace and find comfort. For your pain to be lifted, and that His mercy would pour abundantly on you today. Thinking of you

    -Jaclyn

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  38. Tonight I am going to cry out to the Lord for you and Matt with the same fervor that I cried out to the Lord about a month before LittleM roared into our life, so different than what we thought, so perfectly what we needed. Now that we are on the other side, my heart breaks even more for the longing I know you feel. There is no feeling like it in the world, no words that can heal your wanting heart, but I can say that I know in my heart that we will meet WITH OUR BABIES someday, and that when it happens, the waiting will make you enjoy every second so much more. We are never women who will take these little ones for granted. God hears your prayers, and even though I didn't "feel" that for five years, I know now that in his plan, we were suppose to have him and to have him, we had to wait. I am praying for you guys, thinking of you, and lifting you up in love.

    And hoping tonight you dream of vacation, free Kindle bestsellers, hot clothes and starring in Les Mis.

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  39. Oh friend. I'm crying reading this. Huge, huge hugs.

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  40. :( Everyone else has said it so well, so I will not try to reinvent their words, just know I am praying for you (every morning during my quiet time). Love the verse you listed. It is such a hard, but real truth. Cling to it, friend! Hugs!

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  41. I hope your dream does come true one day, and that everything will be right in the world.

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  42. *tears* today my friend. And remember my promise to be your optimistic hopeful friend when you are too tired or sad to be. I'm a promise keeper. ((HUGS))from Virginia to Georgia!

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  43. Man those dreams stink :/ I know all too well how they make you feel. Sorry about that, I hope today was better (I'm guessing it was based on today's post- I'm so behind!!!). Thinking of you!

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  44. I am so sorry, Erika. I much prefer the slightly optimistic/emotionally detached way too. And then something hits me like a ton of bricks. I hope it IS a sign, but i totally know what you mean. I have people tell me "I dreamed you were pregnant!" all excited like it means something, and i want to say, "Yay. People have been saying that for years now." Sigh.

    But i am praying for you & hoping with you that your dreams do come true VERY SOON. And that you have some really good dreams over the next few nights! ;)

    So sorry, girl. xoxo

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  45. I love you so strong, friend. I will always hope on your behalf until that hope is a reality.

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  46. I am so sorry for that indescribable ache, Erika. You are such a beautiful person and writer and this brought tears to my eyes. Praying that you will someday use THE NAME and hold your baby close. Until then, we are all reading and praying and sending out love.

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  47. Oh my gosh, Erika. :( I am so, so sorry. I missed this post the other day. I hope your heart is healing okay. Thinking of you, girl. Pregnancy/baby dreams are rough.

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  48. Dear, dear friend...I remember those dreams. They are merciless. I would get so angry because they felt so real and then I would miss the dream baby after I woke up. I would actually grieve that little imaginary baby...sometimes for a day or more. I am so sorry that this dream taunted you so. I hope and pray and pray and pray that this dream comes true for you...soon.

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  49. I'm behind on blog reading. I'm so sorry this happened. I've had dreams in the past couple weeks of us reconciling...talk about bittersweet upon waking. God's plans for you are SO great! You will be jumping up and down for joy one day when you see why His timing was later than you had hoped. :) You're bringing Him glory in the struggle and that alone is a glimpse into His perfect plan. Love you!

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  50. Ugh, those dreams just stick the knife in, twist it, and rub some salt and lemon juice in for spite. I hope you've been able to sleep better since then.

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  51. I am crying right there with you. I like your line, that you get to watch everyone else living your dream. Sending you big hugs and hoping 2014 is your year!

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  52. This is a beautiful post filled with genuine honesty.Thank you for sharing.

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