Monday, April 27, 2015

about a year ago

It was about a year ago when my coworker came into my office and closed the door.

Hey, um...so I don't know if this is uncomfortable for you or something you want to talk about, but I was wondering if you and Matt were still considering adoption?

I didn't quite know what to say. Our loss was still so raw in our hearts, but five months had passed. We mostly tried to ignore the pain and avoid the topic, but since our desire to be parents hadn't left...we'd briefly discussed our family-building options. I'm pretty sure my incredibly optimistic perspective on the idea of pursuing adoption again was something like "well, sure, but I'll never go through that [a post-placement failure] again." Which is convenient, since adoptive parents typically have tons of control in that department. At any rate, our perspective on adoption at the time was basically sure, if the absolutely right situation just slaps us in the face

So I said something along those lines to my friend. Sure, we were cautiously open to the idea. But God was going to have to FLING OPEN some doors and forcibly throw us onto the path, because I was not just itching to set myself up for a lot of heartbreak again anytime soon.

My coworker got excited then. Oh good!, she said. I was hoping you were still interested. And she proceeded to tell me about some friends of hers who had a niece who was looking to make an adoption plan for her unborn baby. The family members were all working together to network to find prospective adoptive parents, and my friend felt like we would be the perfect family. Would we like her to mention us to her friend?

Well...sure. What harm could it do? But there was no way we were getting our hopes up. 

And I didn't. Unlike the previous 40 times we'd been at this point in the process, being presented to an expectant mother, this time I had no hope. I didn't daydream about what might happen, I didn't calculate the due date, I didn't imagine what if scenarios. I basically didn't think about it, except to occasionally feel sick to my stomach and wonder why on earth I would even consider opening myself up to such pain again.

And then a few days later, my friend came by again. Hey, I talked to my friend about yall. They want to meet you! Can I give them your contact information?

Oh! Oh. Oh. Umm...meet us. Okay, sure.

Because when they meet us, they will know- I am too broken, too fragile, too much of a mess. I want to be a mommy too badly and I'm scared to death and I'm alternately angry with and desperate for God...I'm a mess. But sure, if they want to meet, let's meet.

Although her extended family lived nearby, the expectant mother, J, lived in a different part of the state. She would be coming to Athens that weekend, though- could we meet her?

Well, that weekend happened to be Easter. We had plans to travel out of town, and I didn't want to miss Easter with my family. I don't know if I was naive or stupid, but I just figured that if it was meant to be, then our being out of town that weekend just wasn't going to be a deal breaker. And if it was, then great. It wasn't meant to be. Save me a whole lotta heartbreak.

That's no problem, the family said. Enjoy your Easter. But we really want to meet you- what about next weekend?

Oh, wow. Cool. Not a deal breaker! Butttt...the next weekend I had plans to travel, too. It was my friend's wedding, and I was a bridesmaid. We had hotel reservations, a dress, I was doing makeup for the wedding party...definitely couldn't skip out. So at the risk of sounding like the lamest, least interested potential adoptive parent ever, I again declined. Hey- if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right? If God's great big plan for my life is that THIS is the situation that will lead to our forever family...then God also probably knew about my friend's wedding, and how it'd be the same weekend, and there must be some sort of contingency plan to work around it.

And there was. Because it just so happened that there was an event taking place in Athens the following weekend that J would be attending. Maybe we would like to meet up on Saturday?

Well, as it turned out, our calendar was just wide open that third weekend. Not a thing to do. And so we said yes. Yes, we would love to meet with you. Thank you for being so understanding- we aren't normally so busy on weekends! But yes, just tell us when and where, and we would love to meet you.

And I still had almost no hope. Although what I knew of the situation sounded promising, although our every interaction with J and her family thus far had been unbelievably encouraging...I just couldn't believe that anything good could come. Because I was a mess still. I didn't have it all together, and my heart still hurt from November, and I didn't think God really planned to do much good in my life. I couldn't imagine redemption from my heartache. Maybe we looked good on paper. Maybe people liked us and would say nice things about us and say oh, they'll be the BEST parents! when talking to their friends...but I just couldn't imagine that anything good could actually happen when we met on Saturday. I guess I just thought there was something fundamentally flawed about me. Why else would I be closing in on six years of fruitlessly pursuing parenthood?

But in the midst of my severe lack of hope and faith, we said yes. Because at that point, after three weeks of being pursued, it kinda felt like the doors-flinging-open-God-kicking-you-onto-a-path that I'd sarcastically imagined, so how could I not take the step? 

And at some point before Saturday, we learned that the baby was a girl. And for some reason, a burst of hope shot into my heart, because I really, really wanted a daughter. I wanted a son, too, but for reasons I don't understand...my heart came alive again when I learned that this would be a girl. A girl

It was about a year ago that I felt hope start creeping back into my heart. As we waited for Saturday, we didn't tell anyone. We barely even discussed it ourselves. Too scary. Too hard. What will be will be...and maybe it'll be over quickly, like ripping a band-aid off, and there won't be much pain. Or maybe not. Maybe this is it, maybe this is our time. Maybe this will be the family we will be in relationship with for the rest of our lives. Maybe we will be meeting our daughter's mother, and maybe she will like us and see our mess and fear and excitement and doubt and love and think that maybe it's just messy enough for her. 

As Saturday approached, I tried my hardest to keep hope at bay, to squelch it and stuff it down into the depths of my heart. I tried to remember the pain, the heartache...to not get hasty, to stay detached. But it just didn't work this time. From some dormant place, an expectant peace bubbled up, and my what will be will be mantra started feeling a lot less resigned and a lot more excited. Because for whatever reason, J wanted to meet us. On Saturday. And maybe- just maybe- this would be the beginning of our redemption story.

32 comments:

  1. Tears. And chills. Even though (or maybe because) I know the end. Will you be sharing more?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Me too.
    "tears" while reading this post. For you, M and the miracle of God's plan. Praise be Jesus.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So thankful you took a chance that Saturday and finally got your happy ending :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wanted to keep reading!! I mean, I know how it ends but I wanted to read about when you first met. Should a scour your blog posts??

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for sharing this part of the story. We all know how it ends but I love to hear how it began. I'm glad God gave you the nudge that you needed and you were able to trust Him!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Beautifully written!

    Thank you God for knowing us and hearing us and always working for our good, even in the midst of our sadness.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I cried all the way through reading this on my phone and am reading it again on my computer and Millie pictures are flashing by on Instagram while I read it, and it is too much. I'm so glad I found your blog and started following your story before this beautiful redemption came to it. Millie is just the most beautiful picture of the Lord's goodness.

    Have you listened to Elliana's song by Watermark? It came on Pandora years ago while I was teaching and working in my classroom, and it made me ache. And ache and ache and ache, because I wanted a daughter so badly. When I had Abbie, I finally downloaded it to listen to it again, and it makes me cry every time I listen to it. And it makes me think about you and Millie, too. I'm so thankful God answered both of our prayers!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnP7rGa0xbc

    ReplyDelete
  8. Such a beautiful story! Even though I clearly know how it ended (so, so good), still brought chills and tears to my eyes. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. So so awesome Erika! So honored to follow your journey from infertility to motherhood and to see God's faithfulness written ALL over it! He is good!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Crying! I didn't want this post to end. What an amazing redemption story. You know it, I know it... every tear, every no, every heartbreaking day is so absolutely worth it in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Love this. What a beautiful story. Thanks so much for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh wow I have chills! And even though I know how this all turns out I want to hear the rest of the story!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Absolutely love this story. It amazes me what miracles can happen when you leave it up to he who knows the whole story. A similar thing happened with me when we went through our 3rd infertility treatment. I do hope you add a supplement to this story and how your first meeting went.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Love this, so much. What a year it's been.

    Also, if this is your book proposal, go ahead and sign me up for a copy of the finished product :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Holy crap, even though I know the end (beginning?) of this story, it still brought me to tears to read this post. My heart...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ah, the suspense! Love when books/movies start out like this (where you find out the ending at the beginning but then have to read ahead to find out what got you there)... so I'm hooked :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. You should write a book! This a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it with us. xoxo I want to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  18. How dare you just leave us hanging? I'm the you're too want to keep watching/reading even if I know the ending. The suspense!! It's definitely a beautiful story and I hope u share the rest.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Beautiful post, Erika! What a blessing to know that God always has a plan even when we don't understand it. Romans 8:28

    ReplyDelete
  20. Love this! I hope you share more. What a beautiful story 😅

    ReplyDelete
  21. Beautiful story! I remember reading about that wedding you attended... who knew so much magic was happening in the background?

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm sitting here crying because I remember your post about the failed adoption and then when you got Millie. I'm just in awe of your story.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm sitting here crying because I remember your post about the failed adoption and then when you got Millie. I'm just in awe of your story.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Even though I know how this story ends, I still have tears in my eyes. Your story brings me so much joy and I had no idea that I could have so much happiness and joy for a stranger on the internet. I am SO happy you decided to share, and I hope you will share more!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm with everyone else - this made me tear up and my heart smile! Even though I know the ending, with Millie's pictures from IG showing up on the side, I want to read more!! Thank goodness for that door flinging open :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Such a beautiful story & it gives me so much hope!! So happy He brought it all together, to accomplish His will...and I know there is even more of His goodness to come!!

    This totally sounds like a "to be continued". I sure hope you're going to tell the rest of the story!

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  27. Wow. This is so beautiful Erika. I'm so thankful for God's hand in all of this. And that you took a chance that weekend one year ago. XO

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love this story!!! God works in such amazing ways to bring everything together. You have to write a book... or a whole series of books because this is just the beginning!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Love this and love hearing how God works in these situations!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. It is so amazing to read this, knowing how it all ended. I'm so thankful you and Matt took a chance and opened yourselves up again. The years of the locusts are being redeemed and this is the place (just one of?) where it began.

    ReplyDelete

I love comments almost as much as I love Mexican food. Seriously.