Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Just a quick update to let you guys know (and remind my future self-- hello, self!-- you know, the one who looks back and re-reads her old blogs) that I haven't died or disappeared or forgotten about blogging or anything of the sort. I'm alive and more or less well and here.

I'm just tired. New depths of tired. I keep finding new depths. It's amazing.

I've had to work late several nights in the last week. I also have to go to work earlier in the morning. We've had family get-togethers and out of town visiters. We've had about 6 doctors visits between the two of us. (And 6 office co-pays, don't forget those!) I can't even sleep in on Saturdays because I get anxious thinking about all the yardsales I'm missing. I think that might make me a tiny bit crazy, btw. And it's 8:00 on a Tuesday night and I'm showered and in my PJs and I would love to go straight to bed, but I know that if I don't watch Biggest Loser and Lost live (or semi-live, as it were) I won't get a chance to watch them for potentially two days and I'm not sure I can go on living like that. I'm nothing if not committed to my Tuesday night shows. :)

Oh yes, I'm also committed to Amazing Race and I would just like to take this opportunity to say GO COWBOYS!!!

Back to your regularly scheduled blog.

So, in the interest of semi-full-disclosure (and shamelessly begging for prayers), our infertility medical updates. We have some test results in and they're not good. Actually they're pretty bad. Apparently it's no medical fluke we haven't gotten pregnant... to put it in the words of my tactful doctor, "it's not impossible for you guys to get pregnant. It just might take a lot more time and effort than you'd like." Well, duh. Seventeen months in, I already figured that much out!! So I'm scheduled to have some more invasive (read: painful and probably expensive) testing done in a few weeks...at which point we will have a better idea of what our "next steps" are.

Of course, if by some miracle I got pregnant this week, then none of those next steps would be necessary, right?? So...pray??

It's funny...I don't really feel "old" enough to be dealing with all of this. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see my hair in its perpetual ponytail, my dirty (from gardening and four year olds) and wrinkled clothes, my makeup-free face (from sweaty recesses and too much crying) and I look like I'm 17 still. I usually feel like that too...like I have about as much emotional maturity as your average high school student. I guess I've always thought that people struggling with infertility were much older, richer, and wiser than me. I imagine "them" having an emotional strength that I surely lack.

I guess I was wrong.

So this is why I'm so tired. In addition to work, play, yardsales, and gardening, I've had to grow up a lot this week. It's not easy. But I'm getting there.

So that's where I am. I really and truly covet your prayers. Lately I've found it nearly impossible to pray for myself...it just hurts too much... so I'm needing other people to fill in the gap for me. And let me be completely honest and just say that one of my favorite things to daydream about is the day when I will get to write out (because I've mentally composed it a thousand times) the blog where I announce that your prayers were answered and that I'm pregnant. I can't wait for that day. I mean, it's pretty much the only reason I want to get pregnant.

Okay, NOT. Just kidding. But seriously. It's gonna be great.

And with that, I'm off to my much-anticipated Tuesday night TV marathon!! Goodnight!


  1. Just know that you are thought of often down in south Georgia. :)

  2. I'm pulling for the cowboys too
    ...and you :)

  3. I'm crying for you all over again (I did that yesterday too) and praying for you a lot, a lot. I eagerly anticipate that celebratory blog post (although I expect to know the news before it goes blog-public, please).
    It will be a sad day if the cowboys don't win. How sweet was that when they talked about how one of them almost died?!

  4. 1. i love you

    2. You have got me HOOKED on biggest loser AND amazing race (Go Cowboys!)

    3. As soon as i get a chance i am going to come and hug you and put my hands on you.

    4. Did i mention that i love you? cause i do and you are at the top of my prayer list.

  5. What a beautiful and real post. Thank you for being so honest - about everything from your obsession with Tues. TV to fertility issues. I am SO sorry that you are dealing with these very "grown up" things... But I know God has a plan for how he will use them to strengthen and make you that "mature" woman you want to be!

    I'm praying here in VA!

  6. you know I'm prayin' for ya.

    I too, eagerly anticipate celebratory news.

    I went to a Rita Springer conference a year or two ago and there was a woman struggling with fertility issues. Rita had other women gather around her and commit to pray for until the day she saw a breakthrough(aka.pregnancy)
    It was such a beautiful picture of persevering prayer and everyone cried. You could feel the Holy Spirit in the room at that moment.

    I have committed to be your persevering prayer-warrior.

    love you!

  7. I'm behind you all the way Erika!

  8. I was thinking about you earlier this week (weird? maybe.) and prayed for a miracle baby for you. I will keep praying!

  9. I will keep on praying! And who knows, maybe a prayer trip to Ga is in order hehe

  10. This post made me sad for both of us. :( Can't wait for the day that we can BOTH make that announcement! Preferably at the exact same time.


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